DonB

Genuine complaints from UK Council House Occupiers. (UK Govt-supplied Housing) These are all genuine clips from Council complaint letters: 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow. 4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. 7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant 10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. 12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2. A Spot of British Humor As reported in the newpaper... Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph) _____ Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian) _____ At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)A _____ Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" ( Bournemouth Evening Echo) ____ A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their passengers... "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction." ____ "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." _____ "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...." _____ "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door." _____

Four married guys go golfing. At the 4th hole the following conversation takes place: First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I'd paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I' d build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'd remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realise that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask : "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5.30 am... when it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the backside and said: "Golf course or intercourse?" She said: "Wear sun block."

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says: "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says: "You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find."

tipping the scales

and skidded into

while on safari

a quick killing

officers and gentlemen

behind the times

Sharp-witted reply, indicating

It's painful there!

pointed culinary implements

and teeth gnashing

like work-house porage

and curried bananas

for Art-critics assessment

(Durban Shunter---Welcome to the mad-house!) piles of ballast

in raised beds

ousting vegitables from

where the flowers

exotic clothes made

and delightful foam

For the benefit of this ignoramus on things Continental (Railways, that is, Food and navigation I'm OK!), what is meant by "Crease". Is it that bend in the front aspect and/or the fairly sharp corners between front and sides?? Interesting set of pictures, Thanks.

choking sleeping villagers

Chinese laundry style