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As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Obama, and says: "Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses! .

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end Up leaving together. They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his Apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, Cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the Bedroom, With hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken Quite some time to lovingly arrange them And she was immediately touched By the amount of thought he had Put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along The bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears covering the Length of the middle shelf, And huge, enormous bears running All the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an Obviously masculine guy To have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his Sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and Continue talking and, After awhile, she finds herself Thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one! Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him Lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, And he romantically lifts her in His arms and carries her into his bedroom After an intense night Of raw passion with this sensitive guy, They are lying there together in The afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, Strokes her cheek, Looks deeply into her eyes, And says: 'Help yourself to any prize From the middle shelf'

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra. Nothing is moving! Suddenly a man knocks on the car window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?' 'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Wayne Swan and Bob Brown. They're asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.' The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?' 'Most people are giving about five Litres.'

The Australian Approach LOL THIS IS SO TYPICALLY AUSSIE STYLE THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed £124,23764!! What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4 The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' 'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

Remembering that apart from Out of Gauge loads...everything had to fit within the loading gauge, and these also being used for accidents and the like would need to ba able to run just about anywhere to get to an accident etc. Khris

This is only for those of you who love to travel (at our age???)... For Senior RV Travel I did not know this... When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure. When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure. When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems. When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.

Second Opinion! The doctor said, Fred the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of Myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life. I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...' I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..' The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see.. Size 44 long.' I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. I tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36. I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache..' New suit - £400 New shirt - £36 New underwear - £6 Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'.†Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter;slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist, 34" hips. When she walks into a room people say... "Jesus Christ!"

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "NO!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The End

Can you believe it …. They sent my Census form back! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependants?" I replied: "2.1 million illegal immigrants; 1.1 million crack heads; 4.4 million unemployable people, 901 thousand people in over 85 prisons; and 565 idiots in Parliament." Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer! Who the hell did I miss?

Getting a hair dryer through customs.... A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ' Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course, child, what may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive ladies' electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me - under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, ' Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

The 5-Minute Management Course Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull ###### might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of ###### is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep ######, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, She opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

Why? If I bid, it also depends on my mood as to whether I will spend more or not on an item. Might not seem logical to you but..... it me that is bidding. As time has gone on I have started to be more prudent on what I will bid on but like I said this last few days I kept uppig the bid and justifying to myself why i would go a little higher, so really it is horses for course as to how people bid. khris

I was going to use quotes out of Kentons post, but decided against it so as there is NO confusion with the item Kenton has been talking about and what I am going to say. There are lots of reasons for people bidding up in small increments. I dipped out on an item yesterday (your time), that I had been bidding up on. Not that I didn't want the item, but I drew the line at how much I was prepared to spend and that amount went up over the days until I drew a solid line where to stop. Now I bid the item up to over double what it was when I started to bid. from memory there were only us two bidding, Does that make me a shill bidder....NO! I wanted the item, I competed, for want of a better word with another bidder.... In the end they were prepared to may more than me. Other times I will place the one bid to keep the item in the bidding section of my ebay page and place my highest bid as late as possible. I think Colin was right in message 3581 khris

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton, or McAfee, cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965 Symptoms: 1.. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that!) 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail ! (That too!) 3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yep!) 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha!) 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that!) 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. (Oh no, not again!) 7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND". (Hate that!) 8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." (Know it well!) IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS." Hmmm .... have I sent this to you already, or did you just send it to me?

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Dave had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'. The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Dave even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterward?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that........... Dave was too tired.'

Best Aussie Yarn The newspaper, "The Australian," over a period of weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn. This was the winner: Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar. One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?" "Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah ..... and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus .... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"

Old Butch John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible.

Dont ever pick on the Irish again?? \ Achar Singh buys the new Automatic BMW X8 sport. He drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night the car just won’t move at all. He tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck. He then furiously calls the BMW dealers and they send out a technician to him, the technician asks “ Sir, are you sure you are using the right gears?†Full of anger Achar replies: “You fool, idiot man, how you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!! I use D for the Day and N for the Night...â€

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?' You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)............... The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic: cost - $29.99 Clinton : cost - $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton : Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton : Bill is a ###### artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton : Ditto for Monica Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton : Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton : Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton : Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton : Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

Well, this is my first blog, and I shall see if I can manage to keep up some momentum both workwise and blog wise. I would not hold my breathe awaiting me to write something continually. I asked some questions on the Modifying and detailing board re the Westward dressup kit ofr the Lima GWR Railcar and at the request of one of the members I posted a couple of photo's of progress: http://www.rmweb.co....__fromsearch__1 The rest will be posted here on the blog. This way hopefully I will be able to keep things together. I am modelling Maiden Newton in the very late 30's to early 40's. For the space of have it nearly fits....but hey, it's only a model. Track is laid and very sloooowly I am wiring it up. I have said on groups before I am a heathen when it comes to DCC....just not my scene, sorry! Slide switches will control points and polarity. The all important gravity siding at MN will have the coach/s held by a wire coming up through the track centre, while the loco is shunting out of the way, then they will be able to gravity roll to the platform. The rest of the blog will be about modifying and building things for the layout.