Popular Post Ducking Giraffe Posted December 14, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted December 14, 2019 Chapter 1 - Dawn Raid Early one morning I was rudely awakened to a loud banging on the front door. Opening the door in my dressing gown and slippers I was confronted by two swarthy men apparently dressed in in 1970s British Rail inspector uniforms. They were very polite. Too polite. “Good morning sir we have received reports of less than model behaviour at this address.” “What kind of behaviour?”. “ Well I'd rather not discuss it on the doorstep if that's ok with you.” I looked across the street and saw the curtains twitching. One of the inspectors followed my gaze. “Friend of yours is he sir?” “No that's Eric at number 52, he's an N gauge nutter.” “We don't use the n-word any more sir, it's now a nutter modelling using a reduced track gauge.” I showed them in. “Yes, we've received Credible and True reports of train racing at this address.” “Train racing?” I asked, with as much surprise as I could muster. “Yes, two trains are on separate tracks. Going in the same direction. And you see which one is faster. ” “I've no idea what you're talking about officer!” I blustered “I think we better see your layout if you don't mind . Is it in the loft, spare room or shed? I think it's in the shed isn't it sir?”. “How do you know that?” “Well it has a rather large green British Rail totem sign saying STEVE’S TRAIN SHED so that was a bit of a giveaway. I've been on a course you know.” Grudgingly I led them to the shed and let them in. Together they a low whistle and scratched their heads. “Does your wife know how much all this cost sir?” I shuffled uncomfortably, said nothing and looked at the floor. “I see, we’ve been putting it on parliamentary expenses haven't we sir.” “Ah-Ha!” he said , pointing to the controller ”A classic indication of train racing if you ask me. I notice it's an analogue DC layout but the twin track controller has both switches in the forward position where I’d expect one to be in forward, one to be in reverse if the trains to be going round in opposite directions." He looked around “Well we have been busy here, so can you explain that?” He pointed a stubby finger at the track. “Yes that's track underlay” I said “what's the problem?” “Yes but it's foam underlay and it’ll crumble - in 15 years you'll be ripping it off again and doing it properly!” “But it was quicker than cork, glue and granite chippings” “Quicker? Quicker? In some sort of hurry are we sir? On the Great Railway Challenge are we sir? Trying to get the layout done for Christmas are we sir?” “And what have we here, a Blue Pullman 1960 to ‘73 next to a Eurostar 1994 to 2017!” “It looks like we've been mixing our eras haven't we sir.” “And this. An evening star resplendent in BR green. So what can you tell me about the Evening Star sir? “It was the last steam engine made for British Rail in 1960?" "Precisely sir, and there was only one of them, so how come you've got two on your layout? I suppose you're going to give me some weak excuse about one being tender driven and the other being loco driven are you?” “Well yes, I was going to sell the slower one on eBay when I got round to it” “That's what they all say.” Another item caught his eye. “A very nice 1970s HST train in original BR blue sir”. His expression changed to a frown. “Oh dear oh dear the buffet car appears to be next to a power car, not in the middle where it should be, so the passengers have to walk all the way down the train to get something to eat! Also we seem to have mixed Eastern and Western region mk3 coaches. In the same train? "They were a snip on eBay... " I meekly muttered. My heart sank as he uncoupled an HST power car from the rest of the train and deftly removed the body. I knew I should have screwed it down. Having removed the body his expression turned darker. “Oh dear sir we appear to have have a digital DCC sound chip. And a loudspeaker. And it's running on an analogue layout with no chance of the benefits of DCC digital control or getting the sound to work! ” He replaced the loco body and turned to me. “Perverts like you make me sick, you pretend you’re all in with the latest technology and DCC chips and sound and pay lip service to finescale modelling but underneath it all you're just playing trains. You self identify as a model railway enthusiast but you're really not taking this whole modelling thing seriously are you?” He turned to his sergeant. “I think we’re looking at a 5 to 6 stretch here. Worst case I’ve seen this year. Better take him down the station.” “Paddington Green?” I asked “No he's a light brown bear colour actually but that's not important right now.” “Can I pack a few things, maybe a R214 gravity ore unloading set, a bag of plastic coal and small oval of track?” “No you won’t need that where you’re going.. Get yer trousers on sunshine, YOU'RE NICKED!" If you have been affected by any of the topics in this story please DO NOT phone our helpline as the operatives are quite frankly sick of old blokes like you banging on about how much better everything was in the 1970's, forgetting about the three day week, oil crisis, inflation at 20%, shops closed on Sunday and only three channels on the TV. And the Austin Allegro. Coming soon The Rivet Police Part 2 - Banged Up 18 1 5 81 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Popular Post Enterprisingwestern Posted December 15, 2019 RMweb Gold Popular Post Share Posted December 15, 2019 Why have you got a door in your dressing gown? Mike. 3 2 23 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ducking Giraffe Posted December 15, 2019 Author Share Posted December 15, 2019 Because it was an advent calendar dressing gown? 2 4 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted December 15, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 15, 2019 13 minutes ago, Ducking Giraffe said: Because it was an advent calendar dressing gown? Very topical, well done! Mike. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted December 15, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 15, 2019 Keep it going, very good! PC Dockson of Dick Green 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roddy Angus Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 Fantastic! Roddy 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold JCL Posted December 15, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 15, 2019 I’m agog and waiting for the next instalment 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Clive Mortimore Posted December 15, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 15, 2019 (edited) We have started to organise a "The Ducking Giraffe is Innocent" campaign. There is also a fund to have a hit man to do some damage to that snitch Eric the N gauge nutter's train set. So far the fund has 23 p and five polish groszy courtesy of what was down the back of the sofa. Edited December 15, 2019 by Clive Mortimore 3 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Ian Simpson Posted December 15, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 15, 2019 If you do get sent down, try for HMP Ford. They get day release for Gaugemaster events! 2 1 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold JCL Posted December 15, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 15, 2019 We also need badges and a slogan. who do we know that can print t-shirts? 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
34theletterbetweenB&D Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 7 hours ago, Enterprisingwestern said: Why have you got a door in your dressing gown? He's got at least two, or he wouldn't have bothered to identify it as the front door. There's quite likely a side door, rear tradesman's entrance and French window style doors onto the terrace as well. Probably why Eric shopped him, couldn't stand the flash geezer always flaunting his wealth with such a palatial dressing gown. 1 1 1 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KalKat Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 You missed out the kitchen door leading to the herb garden.................. Emma 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 (edited) The whole sordid tale is far too close to the truth, if you ask me. As I like to point out loudly at Exhibition Layouts where they have a comedy Rivet Counter Detector Van - "Excuse me, but I think you'll find that's the WRONG COLOUR for a Rivet Counter Detector Van". Edited December 15, 2019 by F-UnitMad 5 1 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators AY Mod Posted December 15, 2019 Moderators Share Posted December 15, 2019 1 hour ago, F-UnitMad said: The whole sordid tale is far too close to the truth, if you ask me. Mr. Giraffe will know his days are numbered if Chief Inspector Wright appears on the case. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted December 15, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 15, 2019 20 hours ago, Ducking Giraffe said: “Paddington Green?” I asked “No he's a light brown bear colour actually but that's not important right now.” Bl**dy brilliant! 1 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 14 minutes ago, The Johnster said: Bl**dy brilliant! I spy an Airplane film fan... steve 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Saunders Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 Have you noticed how they go about in threes! One can read, one can write and the other is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals! 3 2 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted December 15, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 15, 2019 34 minutes ago, steve1 said: I spy an Airplane film fan... steve Surely not. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Metr0Land Posted December 15, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 15, 2019 Don't call me Shirley 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 1 hour ago, steve1 said: I spy an Airplane film fan... steve 27 minutes ago, BoD said: Surely not. 22 minutes ago, Metr0Land said: Don't call me Shirley Oh, here we go.... 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 1 hour ago, The Johnster said: Bl**dy brilliant! No!! ..... Furry, matt brown and quite dull..... achuly!! .............. Ok, sir, just where is this pottery, none original, replica hiding, your loft, basement? Oh, right you haven't got a basement..... and how many toggles are on that Duffle coat? You're for the slammer, for sure..... colour not important, huh, yeh and where's the suitcase then?? You're well and truly nicked! A clear, totally bear faced liar and cheat..... you'll be claiming parliamentary immunity next. Regards Julian 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Clive Mortimore Posted December 15, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 15, 2019 3 hours ago, AY Mod said: Mr. Giraffe will know his days are numbered if Chief Inspector Wright appears on the case. Hello Mr York Would that be the same Chief Inspector Wright who encouraged myself and richard i of this forum, to race on the mainlines two eight car EMUs through Little Bytham Station in the same direction . I fact I think it was Chief Inspector Wright who wanted know how fast the Replica powered coach/emu/dmu chassis would go. We had to stop when richard i derailed his train. 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 13 minutes ago, Clive Mortimore said: Hello Mr York Would that be the same Chief Inspector Wright who encouraged myself and richard i of this forum, to race on the mainlines two eight car EMUs through Little Bytham Station in the same direction . I fact I think it was Chief Inspector Wright who wanted know how fast the Replica powered coach/emu/dmu chassis would go. We had to stop when richard i derailed his train. J 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ducking Giraffe Posted December 16, 2019 Author Share Posted December 16, 2019 Thanks for all your wonderful comments, glad you appreciate it. For a Mr Agog, address unknown, yes there are parts 2 & 3 waiting in the wings. Part 2 sees our hero banged up in Modeller's prison - the only way to get out early is to get his layout up to exhibition standard: a tall order for someone raised on Series 3 & Super 4 track... I don’t think we should be too hard on Eric at no 52, he has actually been a good friend in the past, lending a cup of static grass on a Sunday evening when I've run out. Initially I thought it was him who dobbed me in, hoping to get in with The Wife by extolling the virtues of a reduced track gauge layout 1/3rd of the size, leaving room in the shed for a display of her Franklin Mint Princess Diana memorial figurines. However, as we shall see, it might not have been Eric at all, but Darker Forces at work, eager to put my in-depth knowledge of Hornby Eurostars to their own criminal ends... 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Metr0Land Posted December 16, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 16, 2019 Were there any of those nice beavers lurking under the static grass? 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now