The Rivet Police Part 2 - Banged up inside

[Ducking Giraffe]

The story so far.

After years of playfully browsing eBay, buying up all sorts of mismatched 00 gauge  model railway track and rolling stock and putting it on parliamentary expenses, the chickens finally come home to roost in our hero's herb garden. Grassed up by person or persons unknown for crimes against finescale modelling, the charges are severe. They include TWO Evening stars, mixing  Eastern  and Western region coaches in the same train, getting the buffet car in the wrong position, running a DCC sound loco on DC , using  foam track underlay and the heinous crime of  Tracing (train racing). Our hero now faces the full might of THE RIVET POLICE.  Read on if you dare.

 

Chapter 2 - Banged up.

Mercifully the trial was very short, I was fast tracked, just 3 days in court. My barrister advised that my case was hopeless so I threw myself on the mercy of the court and pleaded guilty. I asked for 43 other cases of poor signalling, out of scale wheels, bad scenery and a ducking giraffe to be taken into consideration. The sentencing was all a bit of a blur, I just remember a few key phrases from the judge such as “the worst case he'd seen in  months”, “a shocking example to the youth of today”,  “depraved acts” etc.

When the sentence came there were gasps from the public gallery at a stretch of 7 years hard modelling. I’d be an old man by the time I came out - mainly because I was an old one going in. I looked up to the public gallery, where I saw my tearful wife being comforted by the man next to her. I only caught a glimpse, but he looked very much like Eric from no 52, I couldn’t be sure, what with the false beard and Groucho Marx glasses. Still in shock I was led away by one of the guards. He tried to cheer me up “Don't worry son, keep your nose clean and get up to exhibition standard and you'll be out in three."

 

The model prison was not quite what I was expecting, as I was led to my cell with my pile of  regulation uniform - maroon carpet slippers, brown corduroy trousers and beige cardigan. 

 

The first thing that hit you was the smell, a faint mixture of PVA wood glue, copydex, and plastic cement. And the noise - there wasn't any, just the quiet tinkering of inmates working on their layouts. They had the pale ghostly modeller's complexion of people intently working on layouts for up to 18 hours a day.    

 

My cell was originally designed by the Victorians for three people - but it was just me in there. On the wall was a tatty centrefold of a class 52 western locomotive and a pile of dog-eared “Rail Only” magazines lay in the corner. The cell was bare of the usual prison comforts except for standard 8x4 ft layout board, a big pile of balsa wood and polystyrene, basic track components, an airbrush, some spray paints, PVA wood glue, soldering iron, a cutting mat, Dremel drill & bits, a collection of of blades, jewellers’ screwdrivers and two boxes of plasticard.

 

Luckily for the prisoners we had several well-heeled music industry patrons on the outside who saw us alright. You soon got used to endless repeats of Atlantic Crossing, Tommy and Kylie's Greatest Hits quietly playing over the PA. It was a small price to pay for siberian goose down duvets, memory foam mattresses, 50-inch TVs,  4 course dinners with a lunchtime buffet and a free vend coffee machine which served a great cafe latte. 

 

When the Market Deeping Just Giving restoration fund passed the £1m mark, some of the club members came out of retirement and got back to their old trading jobs. Speculating wildly on the London derivatives market,  the club lost its charitable status and was now regulated by the FCA. They didn’t care, the fund was now over £23m and they were officially the richest model railway club in the world, soon to bring out their own range of Class 66 locomotives. In Hogwarts colours.  It was only fair that they chipped in for the deep pile carpets, soft close toilet seats in the ensuites and a complete repaint in Farrow & Ball colours. In the model railway brotherhood we  look after our own - “we wuz faaamily”. 

Inevitably in such a powder-keg pressure-cooker atmosphere things were bound to kick off occasionally, like the time they ran out of  grilled salmon on lentils, or substituted custard creams for bourbon biscuits at elevenses. The guards were well prepared however, and had a Jenny Agutter look alike on standby that could be there in 30 minutes. When the smoke machines kicked in and she ran down the main hall in her Victorian Railway Children bonnet and cloak, shouting “Daddy! my daddy!” the commotion stopped dead. It was hard to riot when you’re blubbing your eyes out.

My first day in one of the re-education classes - scratch build track assembly - came as a bit of a surprise when the tutor walked in. She was a striking woman in her late 40s, cream cashmere sweater and tight pencil skirt. You could just imagine her taking off her glasses and shaking her hair loose in slow motion like some sort of shampoo ad. The guy next to me nudged me out of my trance and whispered “Miss July 1995”.

 

Over the coming weeks it soon became apparent that the rehabilitation tutors were all former glamour models and Playboy bunnies from the 80’s and 90’s. It was supposed to reduce the re-offending rate but for some reason that nobody in senior management could quite work out,  it seemed to increase it. 

 

Initially saying they wanted  a job in modelling, the tutors were universally all warned against it by their school careers advisors, citing the shame and dishonour this would bring their families. I guess the world had a different attitude back then. Instead they turned to  taking their tops off for dodgy magazines, and it was only now, years later that they could fulfil their childhood dreams of serious railway modelling. Linda Lusardi knew just about everything there was to know about block signalling techniques,  while Samantha Fox demonstrated an amazing skill with an airbrush for weathering locomotives and wagons. Melinda Messenger was first rate at static grass and making superb trees from pipe cleaners and coloured lichen, but refused to talk further about trimming the perfect bush, complaining we weren't taking it seriously. When Abi Titmuss delicately took my hand and guided it in our track ballasting class I felt electricity run between us. I looked hopefully into her eyes, had she felt the spark too? Evidently she had. She looked at me crossly “I told you to turn the bloody power off when doing this, you and your sweaty palms I just got 15 volts thank you very much!” 

 

For a while I thought I was really getting the hang of finescale modelling, what with managing to lay nearly three feet of track in the first month: a few short years and I’d be out. Unfortunately, my hopes were dashed at the next layout inspection when my sleeper spacing was found to be out by 2 and in some cases 3mm and I had to rip it all up and start again. I could see I would have to knuckle down, stop watching Netflix box sets of the world's most scenic railways and get on with some serious modelling.

Life at the model prison turned into a dull routine, the days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, gradually putting together an exhibition-quality layout that would get me out of here.

Then one day I got the call that I really didn't want to hear. A small weasley man appeared at my cell door. 
“Hello trackpin, what can I do for you?” I said. He winced - he should really have been grateful that we all called him TrackPin, as his real name was Ivor. Ivor Lowcock.
“The Fat Controller wants to see you in his office. Now. 

 

This was serious, when Grouty asked for a favour you better not refuse if you knew what was good for you.

 

I gulped and walked down the corridor, wondering what dire fate lay in store.

 

 

In Part 3 - An Offer I can't refuse, we discover that every man has his price. Do you know yours?

 

Readers are reminded that a GCSE in nuclear Physics is not mandatory but would be beneficial for the next part.
 

[47137]

A sad tale, and especially poignant with the decriminalisation of duplicate models expected in today's Queen's Speech. Defences do exist, and "the old one was nearly worn out" has been accepted as a mitigation by the courts. Sadly, this can never wash when there is such obvious evidence of train racing.

 

It does sound as though a yard of wonky track was not as bad as we might have feared - you might have been put in the Finescale chassis for Palitoy J72s Workshop, but the recent shipments by Bachmann have lead to this being called a cruel punishment.

 

I know, I must be careful to tidy up the layout room more often, and above all switch  those analogue controllers to neutral before bed time.

 

- Richard.

[Phil Bullock]

Looking forwards to the bit where we find out that the squealing track sounds on DCC sound chips are actually recordings of tortured inmates who crossed Grouty and transgressed the unwritten law.....

[tomparryharry]

It sounds like heaven. I'm off to buy an R52 Triang Jinty, with missing buffers, and 'the funnel'.

 

Dockson of Dick Green.

[Nearholmer]

Being banged-up for eighteen hours a day, with nothing but a small tin of Humbrol track colour and a No.1 brush for company can’t be much fun.

 

Do they let you have razor saws and needle files? 

[Clive Mortimore]

Quote

For a while I thought I was really getting the hang of finescale modelling, what with managing to lay nearly three feet of track in the first month: a few short years and I’d be out. Unfortunately, my hopes were dashed at the next layout inspection when my sleeper spacing was found to be out by 2 and in some cases 3mm and I had to rip it all up and start again. I could see I would have to knuckle down, stop watching Netflix box sets of the world's most scenic railways and get on with some serious modelling.

But Peco track comes with a fixed base so how can you be 2 to 3 mm out. Peco code 100 is fine scale isn't it?

[Hroth]

5 minutes ago, Clive Mortimore said:

But Peco track comes with a fixed base so how can you be 2 to 3 mm out. Peco code 100 is fine scale isn't it?

Compared with Triang Series 3, yes....

 

[Ducking Giraffe]

 

"But Peco track comes with a fixed base so how can you be 2 to 3 mm out. Peco code 100 is fine scale isn't it?"

 

No. I had to REALLY go back to basics and build the b. stuff from scratch! Peco code 100 ready made  track? Pah! If only! I'd be out in 6 months!

[F-UnitMad]

See if you can get away with modelling secondary American track. Plenty of photos swilling around the Interweb to wave at the Know-alls as proof you are laying prototype looking track.....

 

And it does work in model form as well....

 

Of course, for many people - & I suspect it's true of the Rivet Police too - just modelling Foreign trains is a serious crime in itself.

[Clive Mortimore]

1 hour ago, F-UnitMad said:

Edited

 

 

Of course, for many people - & I suspect it's true of the Rivet Police too - just modelling Foreign trains is a serious crime in itself.

Hi F-UnitMad

 

I can't see what is fundamentally wrong in modelling Scottish or Welsh railways after all they nearly look English. 

[tomparryharry]

2 hours ago, Clive Mortimore said:

I can't see what is fundamentally wrong in modelling Scottish or Welsh railways after all they nearly look English. 

 

AAAARRRGH!!!

 

Dockson of Dick Green

[tomparryharry]

Having re-read the article, can I have Sarah Greene to go along to teach me about Absolute Block Working, Track circuits, and Gresley-Holcroft Conjugated valve gear?

 

I'll even take notes......... Take as long as you like........ 

[The Johnster]

On 18/12/2019 at 20:20, Ducking Giraffe said:

Do you know yours?

Bachmann 94xx.

 

12 hours ago, 47137 said:

12 hours ago, 47137 said:

It does sound as though a yard of wonky track was not as bad as we might have feared - you might have been put in the Finescale chassis for Palitoy J72s Workshop, but the recent shipments by Bachmann have lead to this being called a cruel punishment.

 

No, the cruel punishment is waiting for shipments by Bachmann.

 

7 hours ago, Clive Mortimore said:

can't see what is fundamentally wrong in modelling Scottish or Welsh railways after all they nearly look English. 

Of course, if you are Welsh or Scottish then it is the English railways that are foreign.

[KeithMacdonald]

On 19/12/2019 at 11:04, Nearholmer said:

Being banged-up for eighteen hours a day, with nothing but a small tin of Humbrol track colour and a No.1 brush for company can’t be much fun.

 

Neither is it much fun having Melinda Messenger leaning over you, in a tight modelling T-Shirt, demanding that you satisfy her, and complaining that what you trying to give her isn't big enough.

 

Just because she came from Swindon, and went to Dorcan Technical College, why do we have to model everything as GWR Broad Gauge in O-Scale?

 

 

 

[Northroader]

English, Welsh, and Scottish, now where have I heard that??

 

I know, it’s just come to me, it was on a loco pulling a pile of private owner coal wagons..

 

help!!!

Edited December 20, 2019 by Northroader

[Hroth]

On 20/12/2019 at 19:40, Northroader said:

English, Welsh, and Scottish, now where have I heard that??

 

Didn't they go into a bar?

 

[melmerby]

On 20/12/2019 at 19:40, Northroader said:

English, Welsh, and Scottish, now where have I heard that??

 

 

27 minutes ago, Hroth said:

Didn't they go into a bar?

 

Forgot the Irishman.

He's named Murphy and is still insisting Irish gauge is the same as English......

[newbryford]

On 20/12/2019 at 17:04, KeithMacdonald said:

 

Neither is it much fun having Melinda Messenger leaning over you, in a tight modelling T-Shirt, demanding that you satisfy her, and complaining that what you trying to give her isn't big enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Does she insist on P4 instead of 00?

[KeithMacdonald]

1 hour ago, newbryford said:

 

Does she insist on P4 instead of 00?

 

No, she's demanding that everything is GWR Broad Gauge in O-Scale!!!

I told you, she's from Swindon!

[The Johnster]

Not satisfied with anything less than 7'¼", then?  And, don't forget, that's just the width... 

[J. S. Bach]

On 19/12/2019 at 08:03, F-UnitMad said:

 ...snip... just modelling Foreign trains is a serious crime in itself.

Now true! 🙀

[KeithMacdonald]

On 19/12/2019 at 14:14, Clive Mortimore said:

I can't see what is fundamentally wrong in modelling Scottish or Welsh railways after all they nearly look English. 

 

Apart from the dragons?

 

[KeithMacdonald]

Part 3?