Popular Post Ducking Giraffe Posted January 1, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted January 1, 2020 (edited) The story so far. After years of playfully browsing eBay, buying up all sorts of mismatched 00 gauge model railway track and rolling stock and putting it on parliamentary expenses, the chickens finally come home to roost in our hero's herb garden. Grassed up by person or persons unknown for crimes against finescale modelling, the charges are severe. They include TWO Evening stars, mixing Eastern and Western region coaches in the same train, getting the buffet car in the wrong position, running a DCC sound loco on DC , using foam track underlay and the heinous crime of Tracing (train racing). Our hero now faces seven year's hard modelling , the only prospect to get out early is to get up to exhibition standard, building from scratch. Then one day he gets a call from the Fat Controller, AKA Grouty, a man you don't cross lightly.Grouty reveals they're digging a (railway) tunnel - to E-wing. He bribes me with a Tri-ang rocket launcher and exploding freight car to soup-up a Eurostar to take on E-wing's Turbo Car. Our Eurostar is double motored, the suspension is dropped, we've got a 24V overclocking circuit and depleted uranium weights for better cornering. What could possibly, possibly go wrong? With the world watching (and betting) we we now face the peril of The Rivet Police PART 4 - The Race The day of the race dawned bright and sunny and the track laying teams were out early. This was the culmination of weeks of planning and hard work. Grouty had poured all of his resources into this secret project and had to call on many of his underworld contacts on the outside to supply the bits for our souped-up Eurostar. Sometimes they came up blank, so for the more tricky parts we had to resort to ordering on Amazon Prime with next day delivery. Whispers had got back to me about preparations in E-wing on their Turbo Car. I’d gone to see Grouty. “I’m worried the game’s up, I think Smiler Steve and E-wing are plotting something.” He seemed nonplussed “Don't worry, I’ve got it covered.” “But Grouty, they might win! “Don't worry I’ve got it covered!” he snapped. After that, I left him alone and got on with my work tweaking our Eurostar. The twin track “layout” was huge and had taken “voluntary” contributions of 5 metres of track from every layout in the prison. It went straight down the centre of our block, through the tunnel into E-wing, along their corridor and then arcing out into the main exercise yard straight and then curving back around to our wing again. The prison’s CCTV cameras were turned round so every part of the track could be viewed on large TVs. With live streaming on Youtube we should just hit peak viewing in the Far East. We accidentally on purpose let slip that our Eurostar power car was number 3008 and the Chinese betting syndicates went absolutely mad for it. Grouty asked the guards very politely if they wouldn't mind awfully taking the day off off and most of them made ourselves scarce. The few that wouldn't had to be bribed and it took nearly all of our cigs & Pimm's to get them to not appear for one day. But it was worth it. Smiler Steve from E block was smiling more than usual and this worried me. We won the toss for the inner or outer circuit. We took the outer as even though we had further to go, the Turbo Car would have to slow down more for the curves. We lined up and waited for one of the bunny girls to start the race. As soon as the the lacy somethingorother that she was holding hit the floor both teams turned our controls up. Our Eurostar leapt off the starting grid, it's brand new traction tyres gripping into the nickel silver track, leaving the the Turbo Car in the dust - and blowing it everywhere. The Turbo Car was strangely ponderous and laggy, seemingly weighed down. It took an age to spin up to a decent speed, but eventually started to catch up with us on the first straight run. It was then that our overclocking circuit kicked in and that dumped the extra 24 volts into the twin motors. The Eurostar picked up her metaphorical skirts and just FLEW down the track leaving the Turbo Car behind. The assembled crowd roared their approval. Coming up to the first curve we took it at full speed, the Eurostar hunkering down low to the track and sailing round. The Turbo Car would have to slow down to take the curve and we’d be well away with an increasing margin.. But it didn't. Much to our surprise and shock, the Turbo Car kept on powering on smoothly through the bend with no tilting, wobble or shimmy, reeling us in like a fish. Something had gone terribly, terribly wrong, it was flat and smooth, and very very fast, gaining on us with every metre. It was at moments of crisis like this that Grouty and I reverted to our Star Trek roles in the prison christmas pantomime. Over the noise of the crowd he shouted “We must have more power!” “I’m giving it all we've got captain!” I shouted back. “I need more power!” “I canne’ hold it Captain!”. Coming up to the second curve out in the yard the Turbo Car was gaining on us. Then, as the Turbo Car drew level, it touched the large overhang of the Eurostar on the inside curve, and the unimaginable happened. There was a blinding blue flash, a deafening BANG! - and all the monitors went blank. There was a stunned silence. Grouty, Smiler Steve and I looked at each other. In chorus we all said “What the [expletive deleted] was that!” We quickly donned our Railtrack hi-vis jackets and went outside to see what had happened. In the middle of the yard, there was a neat 2 foot crater in the tarmac, but of the trains and a large section of track there was no sign. They’d gone. Disappeared. Vaporised. I turned to Smiler Steve, who for once wasn’t smiling. “What the hell did you have in that Turbo Car?” “We knew that you're up to something and we eventually found out about the depleted uranium. The centre of gravity on that Turbo Car is way too high for the curves, so we got some too and used as much as we could cram in”. An alarming thought crossed my mind “Just where did you get that from, some dodgy dealer on eBay?” “No, not just anybody” scoffed Steve “it was the same place you got yours.” ”What, the LowDong chemical supply company on Amazon?” “Yep, that was the one.” We hastily called up their Amazon page on our phones. “Oh my god, look at the 462 five-star reviews, they look like they were written by Yoda from Star Wars! "Products very good these are" and here's another one- "Really excrement company". There’s more: "My cat absolutely loved this spray and has stopped scratching the furniture. Highly recommended." - Ethelred Z. "I STRONGLY recommend this to EVERYONE interested in running a successful online business!" - Olga C. “Oh my god we've been had!” I said “We’ve been sent the wrong stuff! Those cheapskate fakers have sent us Uranium 235, not depleted uranium, so when the trains passed too close the whole lot went critical! One of the cooks who had gathered to watch the race stepped forward with an old fag packet and a pencil stub. “I did nuclear physics as part of my Cook With Gordon course. It’s only a rough calculation but I estimate we've just had a Nano Ramsey nuclear event.” Smiler Steve let out a low whistle. Grouty looked puzzled “That doesn't sound like much...” His grasp of nuclear physics never was that good. “Yes you're right Grouty,” I said “Thankfully it wasn't. A Nano Ramsay is just a flipping loud bang and you can see the results. A Micro Ramsay would have have made a bloody loud bang and blown away the whole prison. He was getting the hang of this. “And a Full Ramsey?” “A full Ramsay would be a f*****g loud bang and the prison the town and most of the surrounding countryside would disappear.” Time was ticking on. The exercise yard was a mess with bits of track everywhere, there was a two foot radioactive hole in it, and I hadn't won the race for Grouty. We had a couple of hours to get this place cleaned up before the guards returned for afternoon tea or we’d all be done on terrorism and worse - train racing charges. All eyes were on me. Looks like I'd chosen a bad day to quit sniffing glue. I had a stark choice. I could either be Baldrick from Blackadder or Michael Caine from The Italian Job. I chose Michael Caine: "Hang on a minute lads, I've got a plan.” In the next installment those old Blue Peter programmes come in handy, Grouty organises The Great Escape - ("entirely legit, honest 'gov") , N- gauge Eric shows he is not just a pop up character for cheap jokes about not using the N-word, and my wife tells a grumpy unshaven old man who asserts everything is "a shambles" where to go. It's not credible, it's not true, it's - The Rivet Police Part 5 - The Great Escape and Homecoming Edited January 2, 2020 by Ducking Giraffe spelling 2 18 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Clive Mortimore Posted January 1, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 1, 2020 Have you checked out the directors of LowDong, one uses the cover name of Eric. Is that a coincidence? I think it is sheer case of jealously as there has never been a RTR Turbo car in N guage (I don't care I have used the N word) . 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 Something doesn't add up here IIRC, you were banged up for racing trains, amongst other crimes. Now you're involved in illegal racing of trains in Clink. Doesn't look like you've learned anything from being inside except maybe how to commit even worse crimes. Heaven knows what re-offending you'll get up to upon your release.... Prison clearly doesn't work. Hang on, that seems familiar.... 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ian Posted January 1, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 1, 2020 And as for what would happen if the Tri-ang rocket launcher and exploding freight car were found in your cell during a search.... 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrWolf Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 1 hour ago, ian said: And as for what would happen if the Tri-ang rocket launcher and exploding freight car were found in your cell during a search.... Quite. I can picture the Ducking Giraffe furtively hiding the wreckage of his Eurostar and the Triang trophies inside a fake air vent like Clint Eastwood in Alcatraz. Just when he thinks he's gotten away with it and starts to dream about souping up a lima HO LMS 4F, (are there any left?) a shadowy figure appears in the cell doorway. Peering into the gloom, Giraffe realises that the figure isn't shadowy, but monochrome and dressed in a 1930s postman's uniform. He recognizes the ghost of Dave Riley, spirit guide and Jedi master to railway modellers.... "Yer wastin yer time! He announces. Giraffe replies with a start "Well, what are you doing?" "Just watching you wastin yer time..." "Well you waste your time and I'll waste mine!" Undeterred, our hero pushes ahead with his master plan. He knows that he has the skills to stop the tyres falling off an Airfix Prairie tank and once even straightened out a warped Triang shortie coach (by sticking it under the grill with his dinner) I can't wait to read about The Great Escape, no doubt it will be more convincing than the Guy Martin re-run. But that's another story. Nothing to do with model trains, although the bike used was a plastic replica of real vintage British iron.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Metr0Land Posted January 2, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 2, 2020 (edited) Lukewarm's said he's prepared to bend over backwards (though forwards is preferable) to distract the guards when you all make a run for it. Edited January 2, 2020 by Metr0Land 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ducking Giraffe Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 23 hours ago, F-UnitMad said: Something doesn't add up here IIRC, you were banged up for racing trains, amongst other crimes. Now you're involved in illegal racing of trains in Clink. Doesn't look like you've learned anything from being inside except maybe how to commit even worse crimes. Heaven knows what re-offending you'll get up to upon your release.... Prison clearly doesn't work. Hang on, that seems familiar.... Well yes I think you've hit the nail on the head there.:you go into prison for shop lifting and come out being able to crack safes!. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ducking Giraffe Posted January 11, 2020 Author Share Posted January 11, 2020 Part 5 of this trilogy now on general release.... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted March 14 Share Posted March 14 Part 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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