Popular Post Ducking Giraffe Posted January 11, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted January 11, 2020 https://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/index.php?/topic/149940-the-rivet-police-part-1-dawn-raid/ https://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/index.php?/topic/150030-the-rivet-police-part-2-banged-up-inside/ https://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/index.php?/topic/150102-the-rivet-police-part-3-an-offer-i-cant-refuse/ https://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/index.php?/topic/150369-the-rivet-police-part-4-the-race/ The Story so far.... After years of playfully browsing eBay, buying up all sorts of mismatched 00 gauge model railway track and rolling stock and putting it on parliamentary expenses, the chickens finally come home to roost in our hero's herb garden. Grassed up by person or persons unknown for crimes against finescale modelling, the charges are severe. They include TWO Evening stars, mixing Eastern and Western region coaches in the same train, getting the buffet car in the wrong position, running a DCC sound loco on DC , using foam track underlay and the heinous crime of Tracing (train racing). Our hero now faces seven year's hard modelling, the only prospect to get out early is to get up to exhibition standard, building from scratch. Then one day he gets a call from the Fat Controller, AKA Grouty, a man you don't cross lightly. Grouty reveals they're digging a (railway) tunnel - to E-wing. He bribes me with a Tri-ang rocket launcher and exploding freight car to soup-up a Eurostar to take on E-wing's Turbo Car. Our Eurostar is double motored, the suspension is dropped, we've got a 24V overclocking circuit and depleted uranium weights for better cornering. What could possibly go wrong? Quite a lot as it turns out. Unbeknown to us the opposing team also put what they think is depleted uranium in their Turbo Car. When the two trains touch during the race we discover that we’ve been sold the wrong stuff and have used uranium 235 – and the whole thing goes critical with a nano-Ramsay bang. How will it all be resolved in time for tea and a happy ending? Tickets please and hold on tight for The Rivet Police – Part 5 The Great Escape & Homecoming. I had a brief moment of blind panic. Then I remembered an old Blue Peter programme I'd seen in the Valerie Singleton days when they sent John Noakes to decommission a nuclear reactor. I turned to the small crowd that had assembled in the exercise yard. “Right! Smiler Steve.I want every last ounce of quick-set modeller's plaster you and your lads can find in the prison. Bob - I want you to go up to the medical department and get all the bone strengthening boron pills you can find. John - I want you and three lads to go up on the roof and get me a piece of lead about 4-ft square. Harry - you're a good airbrush weathering artist, I want you and 3 of your best airbrushing mates down in the courtyard in half an hour with all the black paint you can lay your hands on. Everyone else, clear up this mess and get that track back to where it belongs.” I turned to one of the chefs who had come out to watch the race. “How quickly can you do me a Victorian sponge birthday cake?” “Jamie Oliver or Mary Berry?” “Jamie.” “Strawberry or raspberry filling?” “Strawberry.” “Whipped or butter cream?” “Whipped.” “Oooh, about 45 minutes?” “That's great, you’ve got an hour to make the biggest birthday cake you can. We're gonna have a party!” The teams hurried off to their tasks and in no time we had the hole in the courtyard filled with modeller's plaster and boron tablets which were soaking up the radioactivity nicely. The lead sheeting was pulled into place and the airbrush team swung into action, beautifully weathering it so it blended in with the rest of the courtyard. A cursory inspection with a Geiger counter and you’d never know it was there. From that day to this there is a place in the exercise yard where the snow never settles. It's known as Grouty's Wet Patch. He was never too sure whether to be annoyed or pleased at the label. The guards arrived as expected bang on time for afternoon tea, initially they thought we were having some sort of riot and were just about to call the Jenny Agutter look-alike for riot control, when we burst into Happy Birthday Dear Grouty and started handing round pieces of birthday cake. We said we were very sorry about the mess and would pay for the broken windows but we couldn't find a corkscrew. Grouty called me into his “office” a few days later. I thought he would be furious that we didn't win the race., but he was remarkably sanguine about the whole thing. “I’ve got a little present for you” he said and handed over a box with the Tri-ang Battlespace Rocket Launcher and Exploding Freight Car. “And I said there would be a drink in it for you” He gave me a thick brown envelope stuffed with fifty-pound notes. “But grouty there must be at least 10 big ones here!”. “Yeah” he said, “And I've got 250k in my back pocket so I thought it was only fair that you got your share.” “But Grouty how did you manage it, we didn't win or lose, it was only declared a draw." "Yeah" he said "it was quite easy, really, I just put a stock bond option credit collateral amortization leveraged butterfly spread bid-to-cover-ratio-swap on it . It's the ultimate heads-I-win-tails-you-lose make-money-under-any-circumstances derivative that I wrote for the Royal Bank of Scotland back in 2007.” “But wasn't that the financial instrument that bankrupted RBS and left a £138 billion hole in the UK economy?” “Yeah, pity ‘bout that, the muppets got the decimal point in the wrong place. They were more concerned at getting a Knighthood and making sure the filing cabinets tops were clear of papers than understanding how it worked. As Stevie Wonder pointed out in his 1972 no 1 hit “Superstition”, 'If you believe in things you don't understand, then you suffer.' https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CFuCYNx-1g I tell you mate, the second biggest threat to the planet is the Excel spreadsheet in the hands of muppets.” On the way out I casually remarked "Well at least everything turned out well in the end, it's amazing what you can do with teamwork.." Grouty had already turned back to his layout and only managed a absent minded "Yeah that's true". I gave him a week for the penny to drop but to his eternal credit it only took three days before Grouty called a meeting. “Lads I've been thinking. From now on there's no more individual working on our layouts, it's all going to be about teamwork. We’re going to specialise!” Working as teams, the time taken to build an exhibition layout was cut dramatically from years to just months or even weeks. You could get your full layout track laid in three days by the specialist track gang and ballasted in just a day. Next was the airbrush weathering team, another day, let it dry and job done. The wagon re-wheeling and coach re-wheeling departments had a friend rivalry to see who was the quickest in getting new finescale wheels on your rolling stock. I think the quickest turnaround was two days -they could do it quicker if you bunged in a packet of fags and a bottle of Pimms but they insisted on the 1 Litre version not the 75cl. The prison rivet inspectors checked the layouts - and then checked them again. They had no choice but to pass them as superb examples of railway modelling. Immaculately presented finescale layouts still soon started flying out of the door together with their respective reformed and re-educated inmates on early release. As usual senior prison management had no idea what was going on but since it was obviously down to their policies it was only right that they took the credit. It was a proud day when the parole board said I no longer presented a threat to the finescale railway modelling community. I was ok to leave - it had only been two years - and they gave me my discharge papers and small imitation brass plaque: Henley Junction, Exhibited With Merit At Her Majesty's Model Prison Slade January 2020 Grouty was released on the same day. We paused outside for a moment in the bright spring sunshine as the big wooden doors clanged shut behind us and we breathed the sweet air of freedom. “What now Grouty, any railway ideas?” “Well I thought I'd take on the Forces of Darkness that are intent on destroying the planet.” “That's a great idea for a layout” I said, “a sort of James Bond theme with secret volcano bases and that weird black train from GoldenEye that was actually a class 20 with a bit of plywood on the front?” “No mate I really am going to take on the forces of Darkness. I've redone my derivative for the commodities market and I’m going bankrupt every single Australian coal mining company there is and make a shed load of money into the bargain. Fancy coming along for the ride?” “No thanks Grouty, for once that’s an offer I can refuse, I’ve got my own shed to get back to.” We shook hands and went our separate ways. I couldn't wait to get home to see my loved ones who I had missed so badly while I was away, particularly the Midland Blue Pullman 6 car set and the HST 10 car set in original BR colours. My wife was waiting by the shed when I got home. The shed was a bit more faded and weathered but the “Steve's train shed” sign was still there. She led me inside. I just couldn't believe it. “What's all this stuff, all these light blue boxes, and what about Eric at number 52 and his N Gauge?.” She looked at me. “Don't be silly, Eric was never a contender, I couldn't be doing with all that fiddly small track, I needed a man with bigger ambitions. You were right about Grouty though, he did dob you in so that he can make use of your Eurostar expertise, but he sent Eric to look after me while you were away. Eric’s actually quite a sweet chap. He introduced me to Grouty’s wife, and we got on really well. Turns out she’s a big Princess Diana fan too, and she put me in touch with a bonkers American collector who bought my entire collection of Princess Diana Franklin Mint Memorial Figurines for an Unbelievable Amount. Well it's been over 20 years and I thought it was time to let sleeping princesses lie and let it go.” She paused. “That gave me an idea, so I went to see Simon at Hornby in in a low-cut top and a short skirt.” “How very modern. I’m very much in favour of cross-dressing in the workplace, but isn't he getting a bit old for that?” I asked. “No...” she said in her best explaining to a 5-year old voice “I was the one wearing the short skirt. I asked him if I could lease the mould tools and dies from the Battlespace Range. He thought I was mad, they were all over 50 years old but he gave me a good deal anyway.” “What did he say?” “He said 'you're mad they're all over 50 years old but I'll give you a good deal anyway'. Next I went to see a man in the merchandising department at Disney in an even shorter skirt and low-cut top.” I opened my mouth to speak. She held up her hand. “Don't even go there. Anyway, I got a good deal with them for just 10% of net profit. I explained my idea to the two biggest Northern Model Railway Retailers - and they've signed a 5 year contract!” “But I thought they've been loyal Hornby supporters since 1920?” “I know - I said I appreciated that they had only lent me their sales and that I wouldn't let them down. I promised them a new golden age of selling model railways - to girls! ”. The scenario all sounded very familiar, but I just couldn’t quite place it. “This is fantastic darling, where did you get all this business expertise from?”. “From The Apprentice of course!”. “The Apprentice? Business advice from The Apprentice? Look darling, I appreciate that I've just been released from a luxury prison where they build model railways as a punishment, tutored by ex-playboy bunnies and manage to race trains with weapons-grade uranium causing a small nuclear detonation, but what you’ve just said is really beyond belief!” “I know. I just did the exact opposite of everything on The Apprentice. I didn't work with idiots with no experience and who hated my guts. I didn't go into a field I knew nothing about, I didn't do everything in a rush, and I didn't come up with stupid slogans like everything I touch turns to sold. My business plan was factual, honest and well researched, I practiced my presentations until they made sense and I was word perfect, and I didn't try to negotiate a good deal at 5:30 on Friday afternoon for some weird tat I didn't want anyway. And Most importantly.. " she paused. "Yes?" "Whenever I came across an unshaven grumpy old man who tried to bring me down with terrible puns and saying everything was absolutely shaaaaambles I TOLD HIM TO P*SS OFF!” She took a deep breath and calmed down a bit. “So do you want to take Olaf for a spin on our layout?” "That's great, but maybe tomorrow. I've got something else I need to take for a spin right now". With that, I took her hand, lead her out towards the house, and shut the shed door behind us. 4 2 14 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 Sorry mate, but while you've been banged up, times have moved on, & fashions have changed. Battle Space Turbo Cars are just SO yesterday "Steampunk" is the latest fad in model trains now, apparently. Mindyou, follow the lead of a well-known model train manfacturer:- paint your Battle Space Car black, glue some old gear cogs on it, & you'll fit right in.... 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ducking Giraffe Posted January 11, 2020 Author Share Posted January 11, 2020 Steam punk...? Sorry couldn't find the bin liner or safety pins... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ducking Giraffe Posted January 27, 2020 Author Share Posted January 27, 2020 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ian Posted January 27, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 27, 2020 When and where can I get a signed copy? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 One note of caution folks. The prison rivet inspectors got a bit bored after you all left. Looking for something to criticise, one of them got picky about the distribution of the Bluetack blobs that were keeping that poster of Jenny Agutter on the wall. As well of the punctuation and typeface used for "Daddy. My Daddy!". Then thye started picking at the corner, and it fell off. They are still wondering what kind of tunnel they've found behind the poster, and what scale it was supposed to represent. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ducking Giraffe Posted January 29, 2020 Author Share Posted January 29, 2020 Lo On 28/01/2020 at 15:16, KeithMacdonald said: Keith- YES! Utterly love that pic from the Cruikshank Redemption. Doesn't he poke through a poster of Raquel Welch? My story was just a series of jokes that posed questions that I had to answer, and one of them was when Grouty said "we're digging a tunnel - a railway tunnel" - which then I thought why? Where to? Ok so it's a big layout but why? IIRC it was "Daddy!" not "Daddy." but I will have to check on that on Youtube... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted January 29, 2020 Share Posted January 29, 2020 On 11/01/2020 at 13:58, Ducking Giraffe said: Henley Junction, Exhibited With Merit At Her Majesty's Model Prison Slade January 2020 I'm still looking for that finescale model of Slade prison. Haven't found it yet. But I have found the Bachmann corner shop with one of the inmates in disguise and selling dodgy gear... I might be saving that for the forthcoming epic - "War and Peace under Mount Wise" - all about the goings-on at a top-secret Royal Navy Supplies Base. With (coincidently) that very same inmate's earlier alias "Fatso Johnson" making regular appearances, along with numerous usual suspects... 52 minutes ago, Ducking Giraffe said: YES! Utterly love that pic from the Cruikshank Redemption. Doesn't he poke through a poster of Raquel Welch? Glad you liked it. But you might want to be careful what you say to your wife about poking Raquel Welch? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ducking Giraffe Posted January 30, 2020 Author Share Posted January 30, 2020 Actually in later versions I changed it to to Her Majesty's model prison in Skaledale which I think made a bit more sense. Probably the only thing that does. Incidentally I know you think you've got away with it but I have spotted the quite clear link between Grouty -who was a character lifted from Ronnie Barker's Porridge, and the corner shop you have shown which is quite clearly the shop that was featured in Open All Hours another Ronnie Barker endeavour… 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 9 minutes ago, Ducking Giraffe said: Actually in later versions I changed it to to Her Majesty's model prison in Skaledale which I think made a bit more sense. Probably the only thing that does. Incidentally I know you think you've got away with it but I have spotted the quite clear link between Grouty -who was a character lifted from Ronnie Barker's Porridge, and the corner shop you have shown which is quite clearly the shop that was featured in Open All Hours another Ronnie Barker endeavour… Curses, caught red-handed. It's a fair cop, I'll come quietly guv. "Fatso Johnson" is yet another Ronnie Barker endeavour ... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ducking Giraffe Posted January 31, 2020 Author Share Posted January 31, 2020 Excellent well done , you were ahead of me there, didn't know he was another ronnie barker character! Now, how can we get the Raspberry Blower of Old London Town in there? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 1 hour ago, Ducking Giraffe said: Now, how can we get the Raspberry Blower of Old London Town in there? I am proceeding about my enquiries in an orderly direction... (music on hold) Meanwhile, someone's been having fun at Slade Prison ... it's even got Thomas The Tank Engine and UFOs making appearances. Did Grouty tape the whole thing? I didn't know the Rivet Police have got their own locomotive. And it's not even FineScale. They'll go mad! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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