The Night Mail

[Happy Hippo]

24 minutes ago, jamie92208 said:

That's given me an idea. I have a rather dangerous table saw that I was about to take to the tip. The blade is already off.  I wonder if I could use the table to mount my router. Please post pictures of your endeavours in due course.

 

Jamie

I intend to do this with the palm router/trimmer:

 

 

 

With a few dishonourable exceptions (such as making a chainsaw from an angle grinder) there are no dangerous machine tools, only dangerous operators.

 

Don't get rid of the table saw for now, as if it has a cast and machined table (aluminium, iron or steel) then it's going to be pretty good and can probably be upgraded into a far better machine.

 

Send us a picture or two of the top and bottom and we can see if we have a starting point.

Edited May 17, 2021 by Happy Hippo

[Dave Hunt]

1 hour ago, Happy Hippo said:

I used to enjoy Air Clues, especially the  'What I learned about flying from that' column.

 

Did you ever manage to read 'British Army Review'?  There was always a rather satirical article, poking fun at rules regulations and the top brass by 'Sustainer' (Who turned out to be a Lt Col in the Catering Corps.)

 

When the latest edition of BAR appeared, it was not a case of checking on the headline article on latest military thinking by some big wig, but what 'Sustainer' had to say this quarter!

 

Yes, I did see copies of BAR from time to time and do recall the 'Sustainer' column. I once had an article published in the 'I learned about flying from that' part of Air Clues, anonymously as they all were, but the funniest articles were, in my opinion, the 'A day in the life of Flying Officer X' that lampooned the transition of a young second tourist from being a transport copilot to a QFI instructing on Jet Provosts. A typical example was when asked by his instructor at CFS to do some aerobatics he mused, "Can't really get enthused about hanging upside down looking up at feet but will try to mollify large, scowling individual across cockpit. Perform rate 2 climbing turn".

 

Dave

Edited May 17, 2021 by Dave Hunt
Bl**dy predictive text again!!!

[Happy Hippo]

My first posting as a commissioned officer was to the Ord Depot at Antwerp.  The RAOC had recently stopped initially posting their young officers to infantry units to 'gain experience', having found that many of them didn't come back!  So I was the sole young junior officer in the unit.  They didn't really have a job for me me, so I suggested I become the military training officer, a suggestion that was taken up with a sigh of relief.

 

This was an open invitation to live the life of Riley and I ended up with little supervision and doing what I wanted, when I wanted. 

 

When the CO's wife asked me if I could arrange for the Wife's Club to do some shooting, I obliged. Pistol, SMG, SLR and automatic fire with a couple of LMGs.

 

However, the noise brought the CO out to find out what was going on.

 

CO:           'What the hell is going on here Richard?  I thought you'd be using .22 rifles at the indoor range.'

 

Richard: 'We needed to get rid of all the spare ammunition and this seemed like an ideal opportunity.'

 

CO:          'I think we'd  better stop now'.

 

Richard: 'Very good Sir: Sgt xxx, cease fire.'

 

CO's wife: 'Oh Peter, thank you for coming out to see us.  We are having so much fun. All the ladies are absolutely loving it. Richard's done a really super job at setting it all up for us.  We are going to have some coffee now, would you like some?'

 

CO:     No thank you darling, I must get back to the office.  Well done Richard, excellent job. Carry on.'

 

So I decided to write a spoof article for the Depot Newsletter, much along the satire displayed by 'Sustainer' in BAR,  entitled:  Dear Mama: A letter home from Rupert.

 

The day after the newsletter was published, I received a telephone call from the Adjutant:

 

'The CO wants to see you... NOW!'

 

Realising that things might not be OK I marched briskly to RHQ and presented myself to the Adjutant, whereupon I was marched in front of the CO.

 

Sitting in his office was the Paymaster, who was the editor, and the RSM, whom I had quite a bit of  fun poked at.

 

CO: 'I want to talk to you about your 'letter' home, as 'Rupert' is obviously you.  RSM, what happened when you got home yesterday evening?'

 

RSM:  'Sir, when I got home, I was met by my wife who was in tears.  She handed me the newsletter and asked me to read Rupert's letter' out loud.'

 

CO:  'And did you?'

 

RSM:  'Yes Sir, it was effing brilliant, the bits about me had my wife in tears from laughing so much.'

 

CO:  'My wife found it funny too, but not as funny as this:  Richard, well done.  I've agreed with the Paymaster that you will write a letter home in the Depot Newsletter as a regular article for the foreseeable future.'

 

Of course, it's far easier to write a one off than it is to write a regular column, so I'll admit to being very hard pushed to get suitable material.

 

I suspect it was the CO's revenge over the wife's club shoot!

 

 

 

 

[Dave Hunt]

On my first Phantom squadron I used to write the monthly Squadron article for the station magazine. One month I included the joke, "There was a Rockape (RAF Regiment person) standing outside SHQ with a donkey on a lead. A chap came up and asked, 'Where did you get that?' And the donkey replied, 'Catterick (main base RAF Regt.)'."

Boy, did I get some vitriolic flak over that so when I next saw the Station Commander in the bar I expected a bollo**ing but instead he said, "Don't look so worried, David - just shows that the Rocks don't have a sense of humour."

 

Dave

[New Haven Neil]

A'noon.

 

Richard, SMT arrived - one shock, one expected, two I didn't know and one I won't miss! No name, speaking ill of etc.

 

Mrs NHN won the archery yesterday - great round on a new course in a glen they don't often use as its a bit rough.  To say she was chuffed is somewhat of an understatement, she beat the best archer in her group, and the bullsh*tter bloke too.  Coming last predicted next round, a fall after blah blah.

[Florence Locomotive Works]

Morning all,

 

I have an orthodontist appointment today, meaning after 19 months I finally get my braces removed.

 

Due to the appointment I have some extra time this morning, so some holes were drilled in the frames and the angle brackets for securing the running plate were afforded up and affixed. 
 

 

Douglas

[Stubby47]

As many of the NMers don't follow my rambling layout threads (and why would you), you may well be unaware of my liking for creating a fictitious history to justify the unusual track arrangement or stock movements.

 

Whilst I try to blend real history and situations with my what's pure fantasy, imagine my surprise and delight to find one of my layout stories embedded in a local village's history website.

 

Shepherds Halt

 

Goonhavern & District Website

 

One the one hand, I have not been asked for permission for my text to be included, on the other, I've been chuckling to myself all afternoon.

Edited May 17, 2021 by Stubby47

[Happy Hippo]

55 minutes ago, Florence Locomotive Works said:

Morning all,

 

I have an orthodontist appointment today, meaning after 19 months I finally get my braces removed.

 

Douglas

That's fangtastic news.

 

I'll get my coat....

[J. S. Bach]

9 hours ago, jamie92208 said:

The two most famous ones I can remember, are the Spaghetti harvest report* on one of the heavyweight BBC programmes and one on the front page of the Times one year reporting that that Belgium was going to split into two countries on language lines#.

 

Jamie

* That was shown over here also, it was quite well done.

 

# Sounds like Canada and the province of Quebec!

[Florence Locomotive Works]

11 minutes ago, Happy Hippo said:

That's fangtastic news.

 

I'll get my coat....

Unfortunately it didn’t happen, as the clinic was to busy. Very disappointing. Oh well.

[J. S. Bach]

39 minutes ago, Happy Hippo said:

That's fangtastic news.

 

I'll get my coat....

I hope that the train is a fast one!

[New Haven Neil]

53 minutes ago, J. S. Bach said:

Snippitysnip<

 

# Sounds like Canada and the province of Quebec!

 

I have a Belgian friend - he assures me that the Quebec language question hardly features on the Belgian Richter scale of argument over it!  And then there's religion involved there too, but we won't go there.  Not for nothing does he live on the Isle of Man! 

 

He's actually in his heaven on earth as he is a highly qualified Pilates instructor, (Joe Pilates thought out his exercise regime whilst interned here), and he's a biker too.  My friend that is, not Joe P. 

 

https://www.knockaloe.im/profile_428812.html

 

 

PS - Pron. Knock-ay-low ;-)

Edited May 17, 2021 by New Haven Neil

[jamie92208]

5 hours ago, Dave Hunt said:

On my first Phantom squadron I used to write the monthly Squadron article for the station magazine. One month I included the joke, "There was a Rockape (RAF Regiment person) standing outside SHQ with a donkey on a lead. A chap came up and asked, 'Where did you get that?' And the donkey replied, 'Catterick (main base RAF Regt.)'."

Boy, did I get some vitriolic flak over that so when I next saw the Station Commander in the bar I expected a bollo**ing but instead he said, "Don't look so worried, David - just shows that the Rocks don't have a sense of humour."

 

Dave

I have a good friend who was a Rock Ape, however he saw the light and became a Baptist mi ister at our church in Gildersome. I have asked him if he had his brain reinserted.

 

Jamie.

[SM42]

 

The April Fool I remember is the full page ad BMW took out indicating that there were some fake BMWs out there.

 

They had a list of things to check to see if yours was a fake, including checking the blue and white sections of the badge were the right way round (they added a diagram where the  real one was supposedly the fake one)

Another test was to tie ribbons to the aeriel and mirrors and rev the engine in neutral. The ribbons on the genuine BMW would stream out horizontally.

 

There were other things to check too, but these were the most memorable

 

I wonder how many people tried all this.

 

In term of things learnt whilst flying (not that I have, with any control of what happens) the the two sage pieces of advice  I remember (should I ever feel the urge to learn) are:

 

1: Always fly in the middle of the air. The edges are marked by trees, buildings, the ground and interstellar space. It is much harder to fly at the edges.

 

2: The undercarriage is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

 

 

On a slightly related note I had an uncle who was aeroplane mad. For his birthday (50th or 60th, I forget which) his family bought him a flying lesson.

 

He arrived at the aerodrome at the allotted time, Had his briefing and made his way out to the aircraft with his instructor.

 

The instructor noted that my uncle was carrying a coat.

 

"You won't need that, the cockpit is heated"

"But we might have to walk back" replied my uncle.

 

He grew up in the more hair raising days of flying

 

 

Andy

Edited May 17, 2021 by SM42
i before e except after c. a rule disproved by science

[simontaylor484]

My Dad is terrified.of heights one year my Mum paid for him a glider lesson at Burn near Selby he looked absolutely terrified getting into.The cockpit on is was hard not to laugh. That Christmas me.and my Brother made a fake voucher on the computer that we had bought him a bungee jump. From the A1 viaduct at Wentbridge  it even said that the A1 would be shut that day to allow for this to happen. 

He took it in hook line and sinker, we managed to get at least 3 hours of entertainment out of it.Mum had to tell him in the end before he had a heart attack. I can't post here what he called us as.It was rather rude 

[BR60103]

I think there was another joke story that some (Scandinavian?) country was goin to convert the roads from left-side to right-side driving.   This was going to be done in stages, starting with lorries, then buses and finally private cars, taking about a year each to get used to it. (My details may not be as originally presented.)

 

Model Railroader had one on the Digital-5 control system.  You took the five digits of your right hand and pushed the trains around. Sound system was provided by going "Choo choo" and "Whoo whoo".

And a recent one where electrical pickup could be improved by gold-plating the rails. Gold readily available by melting down your wife's jewellery.

I've missed this year's as I couldn't get to the bookstore during lockdown (and magazines weren't distributed).

 

[polybear]

8 hours ago, simontaylor484 said:

My Dad is terrified.of heights one year my Mum paid for him a glider lesson at Burn near Selby he looked absolutely terrified getting into.The cockpit on is was hard not to laugh. That Christmas me.and my Brother made a fake voucher on the computer that we had bought him a bungee jump. From the A1 viaduct at Wentbridge  it even said that the A1 would be shut that day to allow for this to happen. 

He took it in hook line and sinker, we managed to get at least 3 hours of entertainment out of it.Mum had to tell him in the end before he had a heart attack. I can't post here what he called us as.It was rather rude 

 

We were working at a certain establishment near Salisbury on Tornado; it was thought that the ground crew + others (including a young graduate) may have been accidentally irradiated during Trials (they weren't, as it later turned out).  As a consequence all those affected were to have unspeakable medical examinations (including internal rectal examination with an endoscope....).  Since the grad. wasn't at the site on the Friday (when all others supposedly had their examinations) then the grad would have his on the following Monday.  Well we ran the joke all the way thru' to Monday lunchtime, watching him getting more and more wound up.  At one point he screamed at the Trials Manager "But I am F. worried - I want to be able to have children!!"

Anyway, a couple of the Warton lads were going over to the tool stores so gave him a lift to the "medical centre" (who we tried to get in on the wind-up, but unsurprisingly were staying well away...).  They took him to the canteen, walked in and started buying packs of sarnies.

 

"What are we doing here?" He asked

"We're buying our lunch, what does it look like?"

"But I thought we were going to the medical centre?"

"The medical centre?  Why would we be going there?"

"Cos' I've got to have my tests!"

"Tests?  What tests?  Surely you didn't believe all that load of bollox - did you?"

 

When they brought him back to the work site we were all safely locked inside a Portakabin - and waited ten minutes whilst he tried to kick the door down to get at us.  He took it all in good part - once he'd calmed down - and was now well and truly initiated.  That all happened about 25 years ago - a similar stunt nowadays would no doubt get someone complaining to HR and a close encounter with a P45....

[Mike Bellamy]

14 hours ago, New Haven Neil said:

He's actually in his heaven on earth as he is a highly qualified Pilates instructor, (Joe Pilates thought out his exercise regime whilst interned here), and he's a biker too.  My friend that is, not Joe P. 

PS - Pron. Knock-ay-low ;-)

 

I had a quick look around that website - and saw a news link to a steam engine - this took me to a report on IOM Today about Caledonia being displayed at Knockaloe. It's obvious from the comments that not all of the locals are fans of the railway - although I don't understand the reference to Cabbage ??

 

Click Here for Link to IOM Today news report

.

[Canal Digger]

Several years ago our 10 yr old son was in hospital having broken his thigh bone (femur) so in traction for a few months. One Saturday afternoon the all the kids on the half-empty ward (and accompanying parents) were getting a 'bit stir crazy' as we couldn't get out, resulting in a desperate need to cheer the kids up. So we took in a fake arm (the sort of thing that you can put to look like a trapped person beneath a fallen object, (with the permission of the Ward Sister) stuffed fake arm into a sweatshirt and he his real left arm behind his back. This was timed just before the nurse came round checking pulses, temperatures etc, poor girl got into quite a panic when she couldn't find his pulse from the plastic arm.  The kids & other nurses were in hysterics.  

[Happy Hippo]

[Canal Digger]

that's a very red 'white' diesel?

[Northmoor]

3 hours ago, polybear said:

 

We were working at a certain establishment near Salisbury on Tornado; it was thought that the ground crew + others (including a young graduate) may have been accidentally irradiated during Trials (they weren't, as it later turned out).  As a consequence all those affected were to have unspeakable medical examinations (including internal rectal examination with an endoscope....).  Since the grad. wasn't at the site on the Friday (when all others supposedly had their examinations) then the grad would have his on the following Monday.  Well we ran the joke all the way thru' to Monday lunchtime, watching him getting more and more wound up.  At one point he screamed at the Trials Manager "But I am F. worried - I want to be able to have children!!"

Anyway, a couple of the Warton lads were going over to the tool stores so gave him a lift to the "medical centre" (who we tried to get in on the wind-up, but unsurprisingly were staying well away...).  They took him to the canteen, walked in and started buying packs of sarnies.

 

"What are we doing here?" He asked

"We're buying our lunch, what does it look like?"

"But I thought we were going to the medical centre?"

"The medical centre?  Why would we be going there?"

"Cos' I've got to have my tests!"

"Tests?  What tests?  Surely you didn't believe all that load of bollox - did you?"

 

When they brought him back to the work site we were all safely locked inside a Portakabin - and waited ten minutes whilst he tried to kick the door down to get at us.  He took it all in good part - once he'd calmed down - and was now well and truly initiated.  That all happened about 25 years ago - a similar stunt nowadays would no doubt get someone complaining to HR and a close encounter with a P45....

Sounds like several other similar stories I heard when I worked at that "certain establishment near Salisbury".  Were you there when the hole was created in the hangar roof?

[Happy Hippo]

34 minutes ago, Northmoor said:

Sounds like several other similar stories I heard when I worked at that "certain establishment near Salisbury".  Were you there when the hole was created in the hangar roof?

I was close by at Porton Down when the ETPS Jaguar T2 decided to park itself vertically in one of the surrounding fields.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[bbishop]

2 hours ago, Canal Digger said:

Several years ago our 10 yr old son was in hospital having broken his thigh bone (femur) so in traction for a few months. One Saturday afternoon the all the kids on the half-empty ward (and accompanying parents) were getting a 'bit stir crazy' as we couldn't get out, resulting in a desperate need to cheer the kids up. So we took in a fake arm (the sort of thing that you can put to look like a trapped person beneath a fallen object, (with the permission of the Ward Sister) stuffed fake arm into a sweatshirt and he his real left arm behind his back. This was timed just before the nurse came round checking pulses, temperatures etc, poor girl got into quite a panic when she couldn't find his pulse from the plastic arm.  The kids & other nurses were in hysterics.  

A fellow CFR was on a shout and arrived after the truck.  The paramedic asked him to take a pulse and the patient offered his arm.  No pulse, not atypical but there were no indications of hypotension so Les put it down to technique and tried again.  But the crew and patient were collapsing in giggles so Les smelt the proverbial .....  Give him his due, Les told a good story against himself. 

 

Haven't posted recently, but I acquired my Christmas cake on Friday and have been somewhat busy.  Bill

[PhilJ W]

9 hours ago, BR60103 said:

I think there was another joke story that some (Scandinavian?) country was goin to convert the roads from left-side to right-side driving.   This was going to be done in stages, starting with lorries, then buses and finally private cars, taking about a year each to get used to it. (My details may not be as originally presented.)

 

That was Sweden in 1965 IIRC.