The Forum Jokes Thread

[Colin_McLeod]

Why did the cat climb the tree?

Because the monkey was afraid to come into the park.

 

 

There are lots of posters to this thread which is great as it shows that humour is still alive.

For the benefit of the two who did not understand this first post, the joke is that it's not a joke.

The answer does not follow from the question. It's not meant to be understood.

Regards

Colin

Edited January 16, 2015 by Colin_McLeod

[Guest Max Stafford]

Introducing the new show 'Existentialist Stars in their Eyes';

 

" Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be..."

 

Dave.

[BOARD OF TRADE]

Ambulance rushes to Jackson's mansion where they find him apparently lifeless on the bed.

1st.Paramedic says,"Right I think we should use C.P.R!"

2cnd.Paramedic says,"No,you're wrong,we should give him oxygen!"

3rd.Paramedic says,"No,thinking about it you're both wrong,what he needs is heart massage!"

Jackson looks up and gasps,"Do ya want to be starting something?"

 

 

P.S.If I get banned for this Coxswain started it!

[shortliner]

A short guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big, trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?"

 

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.""This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home." He continues, crying even harder. "Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drank the damn poison."

[34theletterbetweenB&D]

This one had me gasping for air recently (perhaps I am easily amused).

 

Fellow gets a strange sensation while sitting on the lavatory about his number 2's. Unable to see what is going on, he asks his wife to inspect the area, and she tells him that he has leaves growing out of his rear end, which look mightily like lettuce.

 

So she phones to make him an appointment with his Doctor, (only women have the patience to do this, let's face it) and off he goes at the appointed time.

 

Tells the Doctor that he has lettuce leaves or something of the sort growing from his posterior. Very well says the doctor, behind the screen, trousers and underwear down, and I will take a look. Following the inspection the fellow asks the Doctor, is it true, am I growing a lettuce down there?

 

The Doctor steeples his fingers, looks thoughtful and says; yes, but that is just the tip of the iceberg...

[richard brown]

Why did the chicken cross the road

 

 

To see his flat mate

 

 

[28XX]

I thought that was the hedgehog ?

[shortliner]

The next pandemic

 

I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol.

 

I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.

 

From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.

 

This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case.

 

Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.

 

However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen (Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases. If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick.

 

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.

 

Cheers!

 

 

NOTE

If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their partners where the symptoms are detected as a serious case of eye-rolling.

[DonB]

FOLK WISDOM

 

1. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear

bright until you hear them speak.

 

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

 

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

 

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

 

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting

something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

 

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end,

someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

 

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

 

11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by

those who got there first.

 

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and

he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

 

13. Flash light: A case for holding dead batteries.

 

14 . The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

 

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of

twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Mikkel]

Motorbike cop on the motorway sees a pick-up truck moving slowly along, with the rear full of live penguins. He stops the car, and barks at the driver:

 

"Are you out of your mind, driving on the motorway with all these penguins in the back! Get off the motorway and take those penguins to the zoo immediately!" Driver agrees and off they go.

 

Next day, motorbike cop is back on the motorway, and along comes the same pick-up with the same penguins in the back. Only today the penguins are wearing sunglasses! Cop stops the pick-up, and furiously asks the driver what on earth he thinks he's doing?! The driver replies:

 

"Yesterday, I took them to the zoo, just as you said. Today, I'm taking them to the beach."

[flyingsignalman]

I always thought that he who laughs last, laughs longest because he has thought of dirty meaning

[LisaP4]

A College lecturer instructed his English class to write a short essay that encompassed three differing subject matters

 

(1) religion

(2) sex

(3) mystery

 

He awarded an "A" for the following:

 

Good God! I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?

[signalmaintainer]

FOLK WISDOM

 

1. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear

bright until you hear them speak.

 

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

 

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

 

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

 

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting

something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

 

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end,

someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

 

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

 

11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by

those who got there first.

 

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and

he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

 

13. Flash light: A case for holding dead batteries.

 

14 . The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

 

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of

twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

Superb!

 

 

OK, I'll give it a whirl:

 

 

A blonde, a lawyer and a priest all walk into a bar. The bartender looks up at them and says," Hey, what is this, some kinda joke?"

[Southernman46]

This , whilst very simple almost resulted in personal injury from laughing when I first heard it

 

 

 

Two fish in a tank......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One says to the other "Are you sure you can drive this thing....?"

[Easterner]

The All-Purpose Joke:

 

 

A ghost, a white horse, a bloke with a giraffe, a polar bear, another horse, a penguin, another bloke, a piece of string, a duck, another bloke with another penguin, and an elephant all walk into a bar.

 

They all ask for a pint except the single penguin who asks the barman if he's seen his brother and the bloke with the giraffe asks for a pint for the giraffe too.

 

The barman says,

"We don't serve spirits";

"We've got a whisky named after you";

"There you go";

"??1.85";

"Why the long face?";

"What does he look like?";

"I hope you're not a piece of string";

"??2.20";

"I told you to take that penguin to the zoo";

"??5.63";

and,

"We don't get many elephants in here."

 

Some nearby peanuts say "You're looking good", but the cigarette machine says "You're a ponce."

 

The white horse says "What; Dave?"

The bloke with the giraffe says "One for me, and one for the giraffe."

The Polar bear says " ... OK."

The piece of string says "I'm a frayed knot."

Another bloke says "What's going on here?"

The duck says "You can put it on my bill."

The bloke with the penguin says "I took him to the zoo and now I'm going to take him to the pictures."

The elephant says "At ??5.63 a pint I'm not surprised!"

 

The barman says,

"There you go";

"Why the big paws?";

"The peanuts are complimentary";

and

"The fag machine is out of order."

 

The bloke with the giraffe gets up to leave and the giraffe collapses on the way out.

 

The polar bear says "So I can hack through the ice in the arctic."

 

The barman says, "You can't leave that lion there."

 

And the first bloke says

 

 

"IT'S NOT A LION; IT's A GIRAFFE!"

[rmnik]

What's the difference between a duck

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One of his legs is both the same

[Richard_S]

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.

 

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto " We love to fly and it shows ".

 

The woman looks at him blankly.

 

He sits back and thinks up another line.

 

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto "Winning the hearts of the world"..

 

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

 

Undeterred, he tries again , this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto "Going beyond expectations".

 

The woman looks at him sternly and says " What the f*** do you want ?"

 

"Ah!" he says , sitting back with a smile on his face, " Ryanair "

[JZ]

Went to the doctor's after work today. I had been feeling a bit under the weather recently. After a brief examination he announced that I had Ham Flu. "Never heard of that Doc" " Well you know that you had Swine Flu a few weeks back. Well now you've been cured"

[Brush47337]

A wee Dubai joke - since, today Dubai has spoiled Christmas for a few banks.

 

 

 

People in Dubai do not like the Flintstones........

 

But people from.......... Abu Dhabi Do

 

 

Made me smile - easy pleased or what?

[smudgeloco]

That one reminds me of this tale -

A house in our street got raided by the police. They stormed in and arrested three guys, they said they were caught smoking amattabooboo!

I hear you all asking - "what's amattabooboo?"

Nothing Yogi!

[wollastonblue]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stick him in the oven until he's Bill Withers

[DonB]

New uses for old Chips

 

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Roman Catholic churches than casinos.

 

 

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the plate comes round. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to cash in the offerings.

 

 

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin to be cashed in.

 

 

 

 

This is done by the chip monks.

 

 

You didn't see it coming did you? Y

[shortliner]

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

 

Dear Dogs and Cats:

 

 

 

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

 

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

 

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

 

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

 

The proper order for kissing is: kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

 

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

 

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people..

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

 

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time,

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don't smoke or drink,

(7) don't want to wear your clothes,

(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

 

(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children...

 

 

[DonB]

These workmen are installing bollards to stop nurses from parking on the pavement outside the Royal Hospital in Belfast .

They are cleaning up at the end of the day, and are nearly ready to go home .

 

[Allegheny1600]

One here from my good lady - she likes to invent her own "funnies" as she thinks mine are awful(!).

 

What do you call a (Nazi) with a funny face?.............

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Herman Gurning

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Sigh! - get's coat and leaves.......

JE