raymw Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the out of all of you!'" St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago." 1 18 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
lightengine Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Not a joke but it always made me chuckle. In the guards seating compartment on the VEP's there was a First Aid/safety notice. It frequently had a message scrawled on it by some wag. It was often "Moomin the piss flap." I knew nothing about Moomins then and I still don't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
manna Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 G'Day Folks Google Moomins, something about Swedish cartoon characters, that look like Hippo's................. manna 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 My wife left me today, taking the digital TV box and all my Bob Marley CD's with her. No woman, no Sky! 4 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 Puritanism:- The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy! Mountains aren't funny, they're hill-areas! May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse. 4 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sprintex Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 23 hours ago, manna said: G'Day Folks Google Moomins, something about Swedish cartoon characters, that look like Hippo's................. manna stop right now, thank you very much, I need somebody with a 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
101 Posted June 29, 2019 Share Posted June 29, 2019 On 26/06/2019 at 23:16, Coryton said: Not round here. It's Asda's, to go with Sainsbury's and Tesco's. Or in Bristol where it's known as Asdal's 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted June 30, 2019 Share Posted June 30, 2019 what do you call a hippies wife ? mississippi obviously ! 1 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Joseph_Pestell Posted June 30, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 30, 2019 1 hour ago, peanuts said: what do you call a hippies wife ? mississippi obviously ! Do hippies have wives? I thought that they preferred "friends with benefits". 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted June 30, 2019 Share Posted June 30, 2019 This appeared in the morning newspaper; Electric cars: New vehicles to emit noise to aid safety https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-48815968 My first thoughts wandered along the lines of wheezy little electric cars pretending to be Ferraris by sounding like one. Then came the revelation; could we use the same sound files that we use in our model locomotives for our cars? Class 50 on the high street? I wondered, then, about the effect of two-tone air horn sounds emanating from a silent car... Otherwise, for those not of the ‘railway’ persuasion, how about movie themes...The Magnificent Seven comes to mind. It is quite clear to me that I have nothing useful to do at the moment. best, Marcus 4 10 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danemouth Posted June 30, 2019 Share Posted June 30, 2019 1 hour ago, EHertsGER said: This appeared in the morning newspaper; Electric cars: New vehicles to emit noise to aid safety https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-48815968 My first thoughts wandered along the lines of wheezy little electric cars pretending to be Ferraris by sounding like one. Then came the revelation; could we use the same sound files that we use in our model locomotives for our cars? Class 50 on the high street? I wondered, then, about the effect of two-tone air horn sounds emanating from a silent car... Otherwise, for those not of the ‘railway’ persuasion, how about movie themes...The Magnificent Seven comes to mind. It is quite clear to me that I have nothing useful to do at the moment. best, Marcus If I ever buy a car driven by electrickery it will need to sound like a GWR (bows head) Pannier So there !!! Dave 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Two_sugars Posted June 30, 2019 Share Posted June 30, 2019 Glue a lolly stick behind the front wheel. 3 1 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted June 30, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 30, 2019 On 28/06/2019 at 11:22, jcm@gwr said: Puritanism:- The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy! Mountains aren't funny, they're hill-areas! May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse. Why do Methodists discourage pre-marital sex? Because it may lead to dancing... 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted June 30, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 30, 2019 4 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ian Posted June 30, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 30, 2019 10 hours ago, EHertsGER said: This appeared in the morning newspaper; Electric cars: New vehicles to emit noise to aid safety https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-48815968 The great irony is that the 'approved' sound is that of an internal combustion engine, 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted June 30, 2019 Share Posted June 30, 2019 29 minutes ago, ian said: The great irony is that the 'approved' sound is that of an internal combustion engine, BUT!... Only when in reverse, or less than 12 MPH... above which "silent approach" is perfectly permissible... Regards Julian 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted July 1, 2019 Share Posted July 1, 2019 My wife caught me on the bathroom scales the other day, sucking in my stomach. She said "Haha! That's not going to help!" "Sure it does," I replied, "It's the only way I can read the numbers" What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is a bit heavier, the other is a little lighter. I tried to explain to my young son that it's okay to occasionally 'mess' your pants, accidents happen, but he's still making fun of me! I hate spelling errors, you mix up two letters and your whole paragraph is urined. 1 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted July 1, 2019 Share Posted July 1, 2019 (edited) 16 hours ago, jcredfer said: BUT!... Only when in reverse, or less than 12 MPH... above which "silent approach" is perfectly permissible... Regards Julian Then perhaps the ‘sneaking up on Jerry’ sound from Tom and Jerry cartoons applies...or it would if we were ‘allowed’ to watch them. Edited July 1, 2019 by EHertsGER 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Reorte Posted July 1, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 1, 2019 16 hours ago, jcredfer said: BUT!... Only when in reverse, or less than 12 MPH... above which "silent approach" is perfectly permissible... Above 12mph most current vehicles make very little engine noise compared to the tyre noise unless accelerating hard, so no need for any artificial sound above that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted July 1, 2019 Share Posted July 1, 2019 Urgent.... My mate has fallen off his pushbike on a gravel road. Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family? Arse skin for a friend !!!! 1 15 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted July 1, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 1, 2019 Mary had a little lamb, she also had a bear. I've often seen her little lamb but I've never seen her bear. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted July 1, 2019 Share Posted July 1, 2019 Mary had a little lamb It's fleece was white as snow But where the hell it came from The Doctor never knew. 1 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted July 1, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 1, 2019 This thread is the home of bad jokes and maybe it should be merged with the DJM threads as they are about a very bad joke. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted July 1, 2019 Share Posted July 1, 2019 4 hours ago, EHertsGER said: Then perhaps the ‘sneaking up on Jerry’ sound from Tom and Jerry cartoons applies...or it would if we were ‘allowed’ to watch them. It always amazes me, how the victim never notices the sound track??? Julian 1 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted July 1, 2019 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted July 1, 2019 9 minutes ago, jcredfer said: It always amazes me, how the victim never notices the sound track??? Julian Perhaps it is dubbed on after filming lol 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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