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The Forum Jokes Thread

Colin_McLeod

By Colin_McLeod,
in Wheeltappers

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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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luckymucklebackit

luckymucklebackit

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Apparenty the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and British Airways , call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,… and I didn’t land.”

 

Jim

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chris p bacon

chris p bacon

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1 hour ago, luckymucklebackit said:

Apparenty the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.

 

Snip


Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,… and I didn’t land.”

 

Jim

 

On a theme of this, about 6 years ago we were on a riverboat from Basel to Amsterdam and stopped in Cologne.

 

On a city walking tour an American lady asked the guide why all the buildings looked new with very few older ones. The guide ( a younger female German about mid 20's) replied that they were visited by "The RAF inner city redevelopment teams who were very successful"

The American lady looked bemused and had to have it explained by her. Her husband looked a bit non plussed and said "I married her for her looks not her brains, but they've sadly both gone the same way" :D

 

Edited by chris p bacon
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The Johnster

The Johnster

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, luckymucklebackit said:

Apparenty the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and British Airways , call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,… and I didn’t land.”

 

Jim

The following is a true story; I know, 'cos I was there...

 

In the summer of 1966, when I was 14, my family took a camping/touring holiday on the Continent, including 2 weeks on the beach in Lido de Jesolo; we travelled down via Eastern France and Switzerland and back through Austria, Germany, and Belgium.  The 'rents wanted to visit Beethoven's house in Bonn, and I was happy to be left at the station to do a bit of spotting.  Electrics whizzed in and out but my attention was commanded by a Kriegslok station pilot.  It's driver beckoned me onto the footplate, and we had a fairly slow conversation; his English was hopeless but better than my German.  I managed to explain that I was not ein Englander, but Welsh, to which his response was 'Ah, Vales. I go zere in ein flugspeil', 'Great, where?' (could have thought that one out a bit more), '194tyvun, in ein Heinkel.  Ve go to Svanzee'.  

 

I was not really sure how to respond to this, but came up with 'Well, they've rebuilt it all lovely now', which had us both bursting out in laughter.  He'd been bombadier, and remarked that he was on one of the first waves in, and that a lot of the damage to civilian areas was the result of our very effective blackout; they were aiming for docks and railways and dropped about half a mile too far north.  I kept my opinion of that to myself, as they'd dropped a lot of incendiaries, which are not much use against docks or railways but very good for starting fires in civilian areas.  To be fair, he may not have been told this by his own side, so he deserved the benefit of the doubt.  Propaganda is a dreadful thing, and the Luftwaffe's bomber crews may well have been encouraged to blame our blackout for poor targeting.  We were not doing much better in 1941, being up to 5 miles out on occasion.

 

A few years later a friend went skiing in Austria, flying Luftwaffe, I mean Lufthansa (don't mention ze var!).  The approach to Innsbruck Airport impressed him, a very steep drop to the runway after coming over the 8,000' range to the north of the town followed by a sharp and terrifying pull out to level and steep bank to port to land (actually, I'd watched this procedure a few days before the Bonn incident when camping there not far from the airport).  He mentioned it as he got off to the stewardess, who, completely straightfaced but with a twinkle in her Teutonic eye, pointed to the cockpit and said 'Stuka pilot'.

 

I liked Innsbruck; first beer with my dad, first proper Hungarian goulash, brown crocodiles running up and down the valley on freights.  Can't be too many places where the main drag terminates in an 8k foot cliff...

Edited by The Johnster
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luckymucklebackit

luckymucklebackit

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I must admit I have travelled extensively in Germany and I have never found any lingering resentment of any wartime activity, except in Dresden.  The owner of the company I was visiting decided over lunch to start a discussion on the controversial bombing of the City in 1945, this made me a little uneasy but I managed to deflect the conversation with a general "well there were a lot of very nasty things went on at that time", which seemed to work.

 

Jim

 

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Welchester

Welchester

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4 hours ago, luckymucklebackit said:

I must admit I have travelled extensively in Germany and I have never found any lingering resentment of any wartime activity, except in Dresden.  The owner of the company I was visiting decided over lunch to start a discussion on the controversial bombing of the City in 1945, this made me a little uneasy but I managed to deflect the conversation with a general "well there were a lot of very nasty things went on at that time", which seemed to work.

 

Jim

 

 

Dresden is twinned with Coventry.

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Osgood

Osgood

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A true tale from the very early '80s.

Took a ferry from Westminster Bridge to Greenwich - the Cockney crew ran an 'unofficial' commentary that caused much entertainment (and was a very insightful view of London through local eyes).

 

When we came to the area known as Docklands -

"Ladies an' gentlemen, if you take a look on the sarf bank you will see some of the docks an' wareharses wot has been bought up by the Arabs and wot is bein' turned into luxury houses an' flats.

They have done more damage in three months than wot Jerry did durin' the whole of the war".

 

Edited by Osgood
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Steamport Southport

Steamport Southport

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Bob Paisley's quote is still a classic.

 

After winning the European Cup in Rome, 1977


 

Quote

 

This is the second time I’ve beaten the Germans here… the first time was in 1944. I drove into Rome on a tank when the city was liberated. 

 

If anyone had told me I’d be back here to see us win the European Cup 33 years later I’d have told them they were mad! But I want to savour every minute of it… which is why I’m not having a drink tonight. I’m just drinking in the occasion.

 

 

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