The Forum Jokes Thread

[PhilJ W]

[Steamport Southport]

Bah!

 

I know two Scottish blokes who walked that and then fell down at the door....

 

 

 

[newbryford]

I think we've had this before, but worth repeating for continuing safety.

 

[APOLLO]

Staying home, I've never watched so many films, and drank so much tea. Boring though, they were all rated PG.

 

Brit15

[Enterprisingwestern]

3 minutes ago, APOLLO said:

Staying home, I've never watched so many films, and drank so much tea. Boring though, they were all rated PG.

 

Brit15

 

Let me give you a Typhoo Tip, don't bother!!

 

Mike.

[ikks]

On 21/04/2020 at 21:16, raymw said:

As a change from posts on here taking the p!ss from the beloved Donald, here's a summary of what some other brainiacs said a few weeks ago.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxOk9GGo0N8

F'wits

[Devo63]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[peanuts]

The new Nightingale hospital in Glasgow has been renamed...

ICU Jimmy 

[5944]

A lady walks into a Geordie hairdressers. 'Can you give me a perm?' she asks.
'Certainly, Madam' says the hairdresser, 'Ah wandered lernly as a clood...'

[Steamport Southport]

A Geordie was in the US Cavalry at Little Bighorn with General Custer when they heard drums.

 

General Custer says "Prepare men. They are war drums!"

 

The Geordie says "The thieving b&**%rds!"

 

 

[gordon s]

Well I’ve been home for weeks and spent hours on my railway. What I really want now is a relaxing game of golf.....

 

 

[Gibbo675]

9 minutes ago, gordon s said:

Well I’ve been home for weeks and spent hours on my railway. What I really want now is a relaxing game of golf.....

 

 

Hi Gordon,

 

I note with interest that the spoilt petulant types seem to have learned well that to break the shaft of a club it is best to rest it upon the ground and stamp on it rather than use the across the knee method !

 

Here is a quote from a former President of the United States:

 

"Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose."

Woodrow Wilson.

 

Gibbo.

[F-UnitMad]

This is my all-time favourite golf clip....

 

[raymw]

Subject: Georgia State Police
 

These are actual comments made by Georgia State Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[PhilJ W]

[Gibbo675]

1 hour ago, PhilJ W said:

Oh Phil,

 

How could you take the mickey out of these people !

 

 

 

Gibbo.

[Steamport Southport]

1 hour ago, PhilJ W said:

 

So that's what Elon Musk is really up to.....

 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-52391758

 

 

 

Jason

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

19 hours ago, gordon s said:

Well I’ve been home for weeks and spent hours on my railway. What I really want now is a relaxing game of golf.....

 

 

Meanwhile, down on the a**ehole farm....

 

Edited April 24, 2020 by Baby Deltic

[Damo666]

Preface:

The name Anto is short for Anthony. From my time studying in Dublin many years ago one of my mates in college was Anthony and I can still hear his name being called in that particular Dublin accent.

 

**********************

A woman went down to the Dublin Social Welfare Office to get childcare allowance.

The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"Anto, Anto, Anto, Anto, Anto, Anto, Anto, Anto, Anto and Anto" she answered.

"They're all named Anto?" he asked  "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'Anto,' and they all come running in, no messing around with loads of different names."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'Anto, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their surname!"

 

[Damo666]

Here's a story I heard on Radio 4 at the turn of the millennium, and was delighted when someone sent me the transcript. I found the transcript last night when I was looking for something else.

 

1994's Most Bizarre Suicide

 

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.  Here is the story.

 

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head.  The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency).

 

As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly.

 

Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.

 

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.

 

"The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife.  They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Opus.

 

"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B.  When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

 

"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.  The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

 

There was an exquisite twist.  "Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.  This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window. "The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."

 

 

***

 

I would point out (before anyone else does) that whilst the story can now obviously be fact-checked a lot better than it could have been done back in 1999 when I first heard it, there is an element of 'truth' to the story, if not the facts.

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/1994s-most-bizarre-suicide/

[PhilJ W]

[Allegheny1600]

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

[jcredfer]

He's lucky, not to have tried Pastis, no light switch, a dressing table that magically obstructed the bedroom door, and a wardrobe door, which matched the other doors in the house.....

 

Anon

 

Relief is, apparently, not always free of consequences...

 

[newbryford]

This may be true.