The Forum Jokes Thread

[Damo666]

Whilst I'm talking about true stories, did I ever tell you about my first job?

 

I was just about to leave the office for the day when the boss came over and stood in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," he said to me (he didn’t know the new-guy’s name yet), "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone home. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," I said eager to impress, turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said my boss as his paper disappeared, "I just need one copy."

He never forgot my name after that.

 

Edited May 14, 2020 by Damo666

[andytrains]

2 hours ago, raymw said:

Ajoke from another time, or another place...

 

So, I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking too long to order.

Wow. “Take the high road” I thought to myself.  So I paid for her food.  

I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too!  I paid for it, it was mine!  

Now she has to wait even longer.  She’s gonna learn today you just don't mess with us old people.

Do old people eat that sh!t?

[Gibbo675]

1 minute ago, andytrains said:

Do old people eat that sh!t?

Its a trick of the light, they are young people that have ended up looking old, for some reason.

[andytrains]

 

 

 

Edited May 14, 2020 by andytrains

[raymw]

54 minutes ago, andytrains said:

Do old people eat that sh!t?

Old people can often just do what they want - they don't have so much to lose.

[jcredfer]

One fine day, in the middle of the night,

Two dead men got up to fight.

Back to back, they faced each other,

Drew their Swords and shot each other.

 

 

Julian

 

[pgcroc]

[pgcroc]

[andytrains]

[andytrains]

[kevinlms]

6 hours ago, F-UnitMad said:

Repeated FROM THE TOP OF THIS PAGE...!!!???!!???  

 

You're kidding, right ???? 

Someone worse than me, then!

[Baby Deltic]

[The Johnster]

4 hours ago, andytrains said:

Do old people eat that sh!t?

Nah, we go to Burger King.  Flame grilled really is better...

 

4 hours ago, andytrains said:

 

 

 

You can say that again...

 

3 hours ago, raymw said:

Old people can often just do what they want - they don't have so much to lose.

And less time to do it in as well.  Get out of my way, whippersnappers...

[F-UnitMad]

1 hour ago, kevinlms said:

Someone worse than me, then!

Yup, & his name isn't Bruce, either!!!

 

[jcredfer]

 

She was only a fishmonger's daughter,

But she had Crabs on her Plaice, poor sole.

 

Julian

 

[Hroth]

4 hours ago, jcredfer said:

One fine day, in the middle of the night,

Two dead men got up to fight.

Back to back, they faced each other,

Drew their Swords and shot each other.

 

 

Julian

 

 

The oldies are... Oldies!

 

They obviously had one of these each.

 

17th Century SwordPistol

I think the idea was to take a potshot at your opponent, and if you missed you had backup......

 

[Steamport Southport]

A bit like the musketeers. How come in the films they never have muskets?

 

They would have looked like the chap on the left. They would have carried swords, but would also be excellent shots.

 

[jcredfer]

51 minutes ago, Steamport Southport said:

A bit like the musketeers. How come in the films they never have muskets?

 

They would have looked like the chap on the left. They would have carried swords, but would also be excellent shots.

 

 

 

The answer to your query may be in the question.  

 

Julian

 

[kevinlms]

9 hours ago, pgcroc said:

Add it to this list!

[KeithMacdonald]

Officer Crabtree (Allo Allo) lockdown instructions clarified.

 

 

[peanuts]

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to
go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold
the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home,
lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear
and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed
the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his
other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London,
Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.

[Gopher]

[Gopher]

[luckymucklebackit]

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)

Dog: "Yep."

Englishman: How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”

Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)

Horse: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welshman: "That sheep's a bloody liar!!”

[Gopher]

Got to love the Australians !