Jamiel Posted July 5, 2020 Share Posted July 5, 2020 (edited) I saw this on Facebook and immediately thought must post that on RMweb. Edited July 5, 2020 by Jamiel 2 12 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted July 5, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 5, 2020 He might have been the fastest milkman in the West, but Ernie never won the Premium Bonds. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted July 5, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 5, 2020 "Watch out for the angry man in the clothes shop! "Looks like Gene Wilder..... The original firemen were also musicians. "Lyre, Lyre, pants on fire.... No, don't harp on.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted July 5, 2020 Share Posted July 5, 2020 In the Police they used to have "tactical weapons and anti terrorist squad". 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted July 5, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 5, 2020 52 minutes ago, andytrains said: In the Police they used to have "tactical weapons and anti terrorist squad". Did someone let them in on the joke? 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted July 5, 2020 Share Posted July 5, 2020 I used to work for an American IT company (before Windows was everywhere - showing my age) who had an Office Automation product which they had to rename for the UK. In the USA it was known as the Total Office Support System, but the acronym TOSS just didn't work over here. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted July 5, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 5, 2020 3 hours ago, Steamport Southport said: The only problem is you really have to read Pride And Prejudice to understand a lot of the plot. And that is quite heavy going as it's in old fashioned English and boring as hell. The "boring as hell" bit is down to the lack of Zombies no doubt. Jane Austen herself joked that it was too light and need a chapter on the history of Bonaparte to steady it a bit. 1 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hroth Posted July 5, 2020 Share Posted July 5, 2020 2 hours ago, Compound2632 said: The "boring as hell" bit is down to the lack of Zombies no doubt. Jane Austen herself joked that it was too light and need a chapter on the history of Bonaparte to steady it a bit. Blame the publisher! 1 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted July 5, 2020 Share Posted July 5, 2020 3 hours ago, kevinlms said: Did someone let them in on the joke? It's a jokes thread! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted July 5, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 5, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, tomparryharry said: From here to Penrhys (A Welsh Valleys joke). Steel Company of Wales Magnolias? A Streetcarmarthen Named Desire? Guys And Dolgellau? (ok, not really action or chick flick) I can do straightforward Welsh ones! Llanishen Impossible Look back in Bangor Daitanic All Quiet on the Western Welsh bus When Barry met Sully Doctor Staylittle The Breckoning The Dead Pontypool A Fish Called Rhondda (actual fish and chip shop in Porth) The Last King of Scotland (because it starred Cadair Idris Elba) Room at the Dowlais Top Breakfast at Bethany's Davy Cockett Harry Potter and the Half-Blodwen Prince The Usk Files Independence Dai Edited July 5, 2020 by The Johnster 2 1 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted July 5, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 5, 2020 6 hours ago, CameronL said: That a coincidence. I used to be a Supervising Head of Information Technology. It was a promotion from Associate Regional Manager, Planning Information Technology. Did your original job happen? Mike. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
CameronL Posted July 5, 2020 Share Posted July 5, 2020 1 hour ago, Enterprisingwestern said: Did your original job happen? Mike. No. I just went through the motions 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Stubby47 Posted July 5, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 5, 2020 I still work in I .T...., just glad we don't use personal initials followed by department initials. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris hndrsn Posted July 5, 2020 Share Posted July 5, 2020 (edited) On 05/07/2020 at 04:41, rocor said: The Wiggles copyrighted the colours, before the United Federation of Planets commissioned the USS Enterprise: Edited July 5, 2020 by Chris hndrsn 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
billbedford Posted July 5, 2020 Share Posted July 5, 2020 For some light relief here are lawyers plying their trade, examples taken from court transcripts: Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory? Witness: I forget. Lawyer: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated? Witness: By death. Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated? Witness: Take a guess. Lawyer: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? Witness: Oral… Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? Witness: No. Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure? Witness: No. Lawyer: Did you check for breathing? Witness: No. Lawyer: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? Witness: No. Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor? Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Lawyer: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Defending His Own Case: Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse? Lawyer: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? Witness: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Lawyer: Could you see him from where you were standing? Witness: I could see his head. Lawyer: And where was his head? Witness: Just above his shoulders. Lawyer: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? Witness: The victim lived. Lawyer: Are you sexually active? Witness: No, I just lie there. Lawyer: She had three children, right? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: How many were boys? Witness: None. Lawyer: Were there any girls? Lawyer: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition which I sent to your attorney? Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Lawyer: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man — Witness: Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment. Lawyer: What happened then? Witness: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’ Lawyer: Did he kill you? Witness: No. 1 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted July 5, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 5, 2020 This is one job on the way to being CEO Assistant Resident Senior Executive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
eft Posted July 5, 2020 Share Posted July 5, 2020 A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” Don’t worry, said the doc. “Those are just contractions.” 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted July 6, 2020 Share Posted July 6, 2020 (edited) A couple more film titles. Look Uzi Talking Now Saturday Night Shoot Out Slaughter At Tiffany's Bunfight At The OK Corral Predator Vs Miss Marple steve Edited July 6, 2020 by steve1 Correction 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted July 6, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 6, 2020 A few here... Ice Station Zebra Crossing Fight Club Sandwich The hoarse Whisperer, My Beautiful Rocket launcher Chariots of Shoot! 9 til 5:30:- The extended version The Guns at Battersea Bus Ticket to Plimlico Murder on the Orient football stand Vlad the Chevrolet Impala Force 10 from the Met Office The Eagle has Dolloped The Battle of the Bulging Waistline Herbie Goes to Halfords King Ratatouille Twelfth Afternoon My Fair Landmine My Darling Claymore The Great Gatling Gun The killing of a Chinese booking clerk Fire Down Below! (Medical documentary) Jason And The Argon Gas Cylinder They Fought With Honor (Blackman). Peyton Plaice The Great Train Bus Replacement Service The 300 Spark Plugs ( Champion film, that one....) Sweeney Todt Jesus Christ! Supermarket Parking! X-Men, The Vintage Motorcycle, Starring Magneto Guy Fawkes, The Big Bang Theory Teletubbies, The movie. directed by Hannibal Lechter Bread! The directors cut That's all Folks! 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted July 6, 2020 Share Posted July 6, 2020 A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow y ou away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and I'll keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied, truthfully. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ." "I see," the captain said. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, to be honest, he's been screwing me." "He certainly has," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry ." -- Virus-free. www.avg.com 2 13 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted July 6, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 6, 2020 1 hour ago, raymw said: A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow y ou away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and I'll keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied, truthfully. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ." "I see," the captain said. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, to be honest, he's been screwing me." "He certainly has," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry ." Virus-free. www.avg.com It's still a funny joke, but there is another version, with the Isle of Wight ferry. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted July 6, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 6, 2020 16 hours ago, The Johnster said: Steel Company of Wales Magnolias? A Streetcarmarthen Named Desire? Guys And Dolgellau? (ok, not really action or chick flick) I can do straightforward Welsh ones! Llanishen Impossible Look back in Bangor Daitanic All Quiet on the Western Welsh bus When Barry met Sully Doctor Staylittle The Breckoning The Dead Pontypool A Fish Called Rhondda (actual fish and chip shop in Porth) The Last King of Scotland (because it starred Cadair Idris Elba) Room at the Dowlais Top Breakfast at Bethany's Davy Cockett Harry Potter and the Half-Blodwen Prince The Usk Files Independence Dai Lets, see.... The bridges of Newport County Wuthering Spoons How Green was my Talbot Sitting on the dock of the (Swansea) bay Jurassic Parkend Foels Gold Tell it to the Jersey marines Tell me on a Sunday Opening Hours Brokeback Mountain Ash The Cwmedians Jason And the Argos catalogue Sweet Home Aberkenfig Much Ado About Nottage The Fellowship Of The ring-pull can 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted July 6, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 6, 2020 Guess Who's Coming To Dinas Powys? Tenby (Dudley Moore & Bo Derek) Towering Inferndale Pembrokeback Mountain The Gangs of New Tredegar Caerphillidelphia The Saint David's Day Massacre A Fishguard called Wanda The Silence of the Lambs Last Tango in Parus Mountain Bring Me The Head Of Sianel Pedwar Ec Gone With The Wyndham Colliery How The Western Welsh Was Won Ben Hirwaun The Robeston Mutynewydd on the Bounty 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted July 6, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 6, 2020 24 hours from Ton Pentre Tiger Bay Feet Nightmare on Elim Street The Green, Green Grass of Roath Bluebirds over the white cliffs of Rover Way Tonypandy, fly me Woah, Tonna Super Cala, Fragalistic, expi- Penrhiwceiber 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted July 6, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 6, 2020 (edited) 20 hours ago, PhilJ W said: This is one job on the way to being CEO Assistant Resident Senior Executive. But before becoming CEO he takes on additional responsibilities as Head Of Liaisons Executive and becomes an Assistant Resident Senior Executive and Head Of Liaisons Executive. Edited July 6, 2020 by PhilJ W 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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