raymw Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 once upon a time, there were two bears... now look how many there are. 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 2 hours ago, Enterprisingwestern said: jcm@gwr Whoever bought you that book needs a good slap! Mike. Isn't it Tim Vines book!?! 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 A chap goes into a pub and orders a beer for which the barman asks “£2.50 please”. the chap drinks his beer and counts out twenty five 10 pence pieces and as he leaves, throws them behind the bar, the barman is rather displeased. The next day, the same chap comes back for another beer. The barman serves him the beer on the counter, which he drinks and starts counting out another twenty five 10 pence pieces. As he leaves, he then throws them behind the bar again and the barman is now furious. On the third day, the same customer returns and asks for a beer to which the barman says “First the money, here on the counter” so the customer places a crisp £5 note on the bar, gets his beer and drinks. The barman counts out 25 ten pence pieces from the till and says to the customer “Here’s your change” and throws the money into the pub. The customer pushes his empty glass towards the barman and says “Thanks but I’ll have another, I’ve already paid”. 1 15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted June 10, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 10, 2019 (edited) 18 hours ago, jcm@gwr said: How do you turn a duck into soul singer? Hold it under water until it's Bill Withers Sorry not Jim, but Jeff - I was overcome, wrote the above and many others. Help, stop the world, I want to get off! Edited June 10, 2019 by kevinlms 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 2 hours ago, Allegheny1600 said: Isn't it Tim Vines book!?! That'd figure, I don't laugh at those either...................... 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 19 hours ago, jcm@gwr said: How do you turn a duck into soul singer? Hold it under water until it's Bill Withers That's older that the hills. Although it used to be: How do you make a duck sing? Sling it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers. Jason 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted June 10, 2019 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted June 10, 2019 5 hours ago, Allegheny1600 said: A chap goes into a pub and orders a beer for which the barman asks “£2.50 please”. the chap drinks his beer and counts out twenty five 10 pence pieces and as he leaves, throws them behind the bar, the barman is rather displeased. The next day, the same chap comes back for another beer. The barman serves him the beer on the counter, which he drinks and starts counting out another twenty five 10 pence pieces. As he leaves, he then throws them behind the bar again and the barman is now furious. On the third day, the same customer returns and asks for a beer to which the barman says “First the money, here on the counter” so the customer places a crisp £5 note on the bar, gets his beer and drinks. The barman counts out 25 ten pence pieces from the till and says to the customer “Here’s your change” and throws the money into the pub. The customer pushes his empty glass towards the barman and says “Thanks but I’ll have another, I’ve already paid”. I was waiting for the punch line where the barman throws the pint into the pub, all over the customer! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 On 10/06/2019 at 08:16, billbedford said: Dyslexia Lures!! On 10/06/2019 at 08:21, 2750Papyrus said: Dyslexia rules KO! Did you hear about the Dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse. Or the dyslexic cat owner, who fitted a flat cap in his back door. 1 1 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sprintex Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 I wanna know what cruel so-and-so made the word for "word blindness" an anagram of DAILY SEX? Paul 2 2 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 13 hours ago, jcm@gwr said: Did you hear about the Dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse. Or the dyslexic cat owner, who fitted a flat cap in his back door. Or the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa...? Sorry well, if you can't beat 'em... I shall myself for posting such as awful joke. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allegheny1600 Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?” She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.” “If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it when we ,” she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?” The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out." What were you thinking …….. 1 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted June 12, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 12, 2019 Sad news from the Nestle factory today. A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues just cheered. 1 13 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 Therapist: “What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?” Me: “Sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead”. steve 1 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 21 hours ago, F-UnitMad said: Or the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa...? Sorry well, if you can't beat 'em... I shall myself for posting such as awful joke. My girlfriend slapped Santa. She thought he called her a ho three times! Bit early for Christmas jokes though.... Jason 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted June 12, 2019 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted June 12, 2019 2 hours ago, Steamport Southport said: Bit early for Christmas jokes though.... Jason Sure it's just over six months to go Ho Ho Ho or should that be 00 00 00 or N N N or 0 0 0. .:) 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 What begins with 'n' ends in 'n' and has 13 'n's in the middle? Constipation. 1 5 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted June 13, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 13, 2019 (edited) Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil................ Edited June 13, 2019 by newbryford 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted June 13, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted June 13, 2019 (edited) ........... in my day it was a slide rule. Or if it was a big problem, logs. Well someone had to say it. Edited June 13, 2019 by BoD 1 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 Contained the eventual working out with a Rubber. J 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted June 13, 2019 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted June 13, 2019 From Facebook 1 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 I'm currently bird-watching with Sinead O'Conner. So far it's been seven Owls and fifteen Jays........ 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 I was set upon by a gang of mimes, they did unspeakable things to me. 10 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted June 16, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 16, 2019 7 minutes ago, jcm@gwr said: I was set upon by a gang of mimes, they did unspeakable things to me. I would keep that quiet if I were you. 4 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 (edited) As it's only 6 months away, I thought I'd start brushing up on my joke writing skills for the crackers! RIP boiled water. You will be mist. I broke my finger today. But on the other hand, I'm fine. I just lost 20% of my couch. Ouch! I bet none of you will see this one coming......... 1 I had a fear of speed humps, but I'm slowly getting over it. My wife is no longer interested in farm machinery. She's an extractor fan. Edited June 16, 2019 by jcm@gwr 2 7 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted June 16, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted June 16, 2019 Lady Penelope to Parker >> "Parker, please remove my dress." "Yes M'lady." "Parker, please remove my bra." "Yes M'lady." "Parker, please remove my panties." "Yes M'lady." "Parker, if I catch you wearing my clothes again your fired!" 13 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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