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Colin_McLeod

The Forum Jokes Thread

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I remember the great Dave Allen telling a great Irish Leprechaun joke

 

Paddy catches a  Leprechaun and asks him for his pot of gold

The Leprechaun replies, "I don't have a pot of gold, but I can grant three wishes"

"..but there is a catch, whatever you wish for, your worst enemy will get twice what you ask for"

 

So Paddy thinks and asks for a big mansion with 20 rooms - with a flash the mansion appears, but next door, his arch enemy Murphy finds a 40 room mansion appear on his land.  Murphy is delighted and taunts Paddy about his good fortune!

 

Paddy then asks the Leprechaun for a beautiful woman to be in each bedroom that will do anything that he wishes, another flash and the women appear at each window of the mansion, each more gorgeous than he could have hoped.  Murphy is ecstatic to see two beautiful women appear at each window, calling to him to come to them.

 

The  Leprechaun then urges Paddy to tell him his third wish as he wants to get on his way, Murphy is yelling all sorts of suggestions, knowing he will get twice as much

 

And Paddy finally says - "I want my desire for Women cut by half"

 

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On 19/06/2019 at 23:02, Dave Hunt said:

Chap finds an old bottle on an English beach, gives it a rub and out pops a genie. " Look pal," the genie says, " These days you only get one wish so think carefully."

 

The man ponders for a while, then says, "Can you build me a bridge to America?"

 

The genie sighs. "Have you got any idea how much steel that would take, how many piers and how deep they'd have to be, what a danger to shipping it would be? What you're asking is ridiculous. Get real pal. Think again, OK?"

 

The chap ponders some more, then snaps his fingers. "Got it," he cries, "Can you get the politicians to sort out Brexit?"

 

The genie looks thoughtful. "What colour would you like the bridge?"

The alternative version to that is that the chap's second idea is that he wants to be able to understand women.

Then the genie asks him what colour he wants the bridge.

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I met a Slovakian sound engineer last week. 

I met a Czech one too.

 

Told my butcher I would bet him £100 if he could reach the sirloins he keeps on the top shelf.

He said he wasn’t taking the risk as the steaks were too high.

 

Yorkshireman walks into the vet's and says, "I've come about me cat."

The vet says, "Is it a tom?"

The man says, "No, I've brought it wi' me."

 

Guy standing on one leg at an ATM outside the bank looking a bit agitated. 

Asked him if he was ok. 

Said he was just checking his balance. 

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OK those were the short ones, are you sitting comfortably..... 

 

A man wakes up in a dingy slum, with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.

"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real lowlife when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."

All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.

The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."

 So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.

"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.

While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"

Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.

And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"

The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.

Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.

The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.

Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.

"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.

The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."........

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Well if you got through that one...

 

I just asked siri 

“Surely it won’t rain today”?

She said “it will, and don’t call me shirley”

...forgot to take my phone off airplane mode.

 

 

Two rednecks are out in the woods hunting deer when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911.

He gasps: "Ah think muh friend Cleetus is dead! Whut can ah do?" 

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, make sure he's actually dead." 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now whut?"

 

 

I have began reading a horror novel in braille. something bad’s going to happen, i can feel it.

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3 hours ago, luckymucklebackit said:

OK those were the short ones, are you sitting comfortably..... 

 

A man wakes up in a dingy slum, with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.

"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real lowlife when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."

All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.

The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."

 So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.

"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.

While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"

Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.

And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"

The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.

Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.

The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.

Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.

"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.

The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."........

After all that....

groan.jpg

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A railway modeller lay in hospital in a coma. The doctors had told his friends and family that to help bring him round he needed a shock. They tried everything they could think of, sticking him with pins, electric shocks etc. Then his wife asked to be left alone with him and asked everyone else to leave the room. Ten minutes later she called them back in for them to find him sitting up in bed drinking a cup of tea. One of his friends asked her how she did it. "Simple" was her answer "I just said I was going to sell off his model stash and spend the money on a cruise with the girls."

Edited by PhilJ W
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2 hours ago, PhilJ W said:

A railway modeller lay in hospital in a coma. The doctors had told his friends and family that to help bring him round he needed a shock. They tried everything they could think of, sticking him with pins, electric shocks etc. Then his wife asked to be left alone with him and asked everyone else to leave the room. Ten minutes later she called them back in for them to find him sitting up in bed drinking a cup of tea. One of his friends asked her how she did it. "Simple" was her answer "I just said I was going to sell off his model stash and spend the money on a cruise with the girls."

 

Perhaps we should rewrite the Photographers Prayer

 

Dear Lord, if anything happens to me let my wife sell my stock for what it's worth and not what see thinks it worth.

 

Dave

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True story.

Many - many years ago a man saw an advert in the paper for a Rolls Royce, nearly new, price one {old} Penny.  He didn't think it was genuine, so didn't do anything for a week.  Eventually, curiosity got the better of him and he rang the number in the advert.  Clearly, other people had also considered that it couldn't be a genuine offer, as the gentleman who answered told him the car was still for sale and, yes, it was for one Penny.  The man said that he would like to buy the car and the sale was agreed, so he went round to the address, still convinced there must be a catch, but for a Penny, not a great loss.

When he arrived, there it was, shiny and looking perfect, as a Rolls Royce should be.  Having exchanged Keys and a Penny, he couldn't bear it any more and asked why such a wonderful car should be being sold for just one Penny.  The gentleman informed him that the car was part of a divorce settlement and the entire proceeds of the sale were ordered to be given to his ex-wife.  :)

 

Regards

 

Julian

 

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1 hour ago, jcredfer said:

True story.

Many - many years ago a man saw an advert in the paper for a Rolls Royce, nearly new, price one {old} Penny.  He didn't think it was genuine, so didn't do anything for a week.  Eventually, curiosity got the better of him and he rang the number in the advert.  Clearly, other people had also considered that it couldn't be a genuine offer, as the gentleman who answered told him the car was still for sale and, yes, it was for one Penny.  The man said that he would like to buy the car and the sale was agreed, so he went round to the address, still convinced there must be a catch, but for a Penny, not a great loss.

When he arrived, there it was, shiny and looking perfect, as a Rolls Royce should be.  Having exchanged Keys and a Penny, he couldn't bear it any more and asked why such a wonderful car should be being sold for just one Penny.  The gentleman informed him that the car was part of a divorce settlement and the entire proceeds of the sale were ordered to be given to his ex-wife.  :)

 

Regards

 

Julian

 

Friend of mine bought something similar, Rover 3.5 litre P6, immaculate, kept in a heated garage only 3 years old at the time £250:victory:

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1 hour ago, Danemouth said:

 

Perhaps we should rewrite the Photographers Prayer

 

Dear Lord, if anything happens to me let my wife sell my stock for what it's worth and not what see thinks it worth.

 

Dave

The railway modellers prayer >> Please don't let the wife sell my models for what I told her I paid for them.

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A friend of mine used to run a R/C Model aircraft shop.  In a drawer, by the Till, he had a book of Cloakroom Tickets.  He would offer worried looking gents a Ticket and bit of Sellotape to stick it to the box.  The idea was to claim the model had been won in a Raffle at work, or in the Pub, on the way home. 

There had been quite a number used, too!!

 

Regards

 

Julian

 

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A friend of mine used to being stuff home and put it straight into his railway room from his work vehicle.  About every 6 months his wife would come into the railway room and look around.  That looks new, she'd say. Oh, I've had it for ages he'd say.

That was true, as it could be anytime in the past 6 months. 

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Oh, Tut!  ...  quote the price and ask - what she paid when she booked for the last / next holiday, bought shoes, London musical...  ???   Smile sweetly and add - who worked for how many years to earn my Pension money, which paid for it??   :search: 

 

Regards

 

Julian

 

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G'Day Folks

 

Lucky for me the Wife's not into E-Bay !!!

 

manna

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14 hours ago, kevinlms said:

A friend of mine used to being stuff home and put it straight into his railway room from his work vehicle.  About every 6 months his wife would come into the railway room and look around.  That looks new, she'd say. Oh, I've had it for ages he'd say.

That was true, as it could be anytime in the past 6 months. 

 

That is what tunnels are for, new locos and stock should be stabled in tunnels or hidden loops for a period of a few weeks following exhibitions etc.

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That would explain why I have a huge amount of bird effluent on one of my upstairs windows: the poor bird couldn't hold it any longer.

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6 hours ago, Budgie said:

That would explain why I have a huge amount of bird effluent on one of my upstairs windows: the poor bird couldn't hold it any longer.

But with a User Name like your's, one has to ask on which side of the glass is it..?? :dontknow: :scratchhead: :mosking:

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Overhead in a Liverpool pub.

 

"There's been a robbery at Tesco"

 

"Has there?" is the reply.

 

"No, Tesco..................."

 

 

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