The Forum Jokes Thread

[raymw]

[newbryford]

What do you say to someone with a degree in Philosophy?

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"Big Mac and fries please..............................."

[davefromacrossthepond]

21 minutes ago, newbryford said:

What do you say to someone with a degree in Philosophy?

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I was thinking . . . "Hello Mr. [George] Soros or Mr. [Carl] Icahn."      On the more serious side, electrical lineman varies between the 2nd and 4th most dangerous job here in the U.S. when it comes to work related deaths.  

 

 

Edited July 26, 2019 by davefromacrossthepond
Added second part.

[Jamiel]

It turns out that using Peco flexitrack was not a good idea on the East Coast Main Line after all.

https://www.theguardian.com/business/2019/jul/25/uk-railways-in-chaos-as-searing-heat-sparks-fear-of-derailed-trains

OK, I am a couple of days late with this, but…..

[Jamiel]

18 hours ago, davefromacrossthepond said:

I was thinking . . . "Hello Mr. [George] Soros or Mr. [Carl] Icahn."      On the more serious side, electrical lineman varies between the 2nd and 4th most dangerous job here in the U.S. when it comes to work related deaths.  

 

 

On the other hand you do have a classic song written about your job.
 

Glenn Campbell

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qoymGCDYzU
 

R.E.M’s version is petty good too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QutLsCCY2yw

[Liam]

It has now been proved, that if it had changed its name prior to leaving Southampton, the Titanic would not have sunk.

[Gibbo675]

9 minutes ago, SVRlad said:

It has now been proved, that if it had changed its name prior to leaving Southampton, the Titanic would not have sunk.

Is that because the same vessel would have had its new name spelled with different lettuce ?

[leopardml2341]

22 hours ago, SVRlad said:

It has now been proved, that if it had changed its name prior to leaving Southampton, the Titanic would not have sunk.

In point of fact, Titanic wasn't actually Titanic but one of it's sister ships (IIRC Olympic) was ahead in the build schedule so swapped identities, so you could argue that Titanic never sank at all.

 

Pedant mode off. :Jester:

[chris p bacon]

19 minutes ago, leopardml2341 said:

In point of fact, Titanic wasn't actually Titanic but one of it's sister ships (IIRC Olympic) was ahead in the build schedule so swapped identities, so you could argue that Titanic never sank at all.

 

Pedant mode off. :Jester:

 

Nope, Olympic was built and launched first, she collided with HMS Hawke in Southampton water which delayed Titanic's maden voyage but there was no swapping of identities as conspiracy theories seem to think.  

The third ship Gigantic was renamed Brittanic after Titanics sinking. 

[Compound2632]

What's not generally realised is that it was a different iceberg the Titanic struck...

[peanuts]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?' The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.' The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.' The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.' 'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves.... NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!! One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you? To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.' The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.' The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.' The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.' The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?' 'I DIED', said the rabbit. 'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?' After a short pause, the rabbit said ... 'Mixin-me-toasties V

[leopardml2341]

Even though I knew the punchline, I still read it to the bitter end, you wicked person

[luckymucklebackit]

14 hours ago, chris p bacon said:

 

Nope, Olympic was built and launched first, she collided with HMS Hawke in Southampton water which delayed Titanic's maden voyage but there was no swapping of identities as conspiracy theories seem to think.  

The third ship Gigantic was renamed Brittanic after Titanics sinking. 

 

What is more dangerous - an Iceberg or a U-boat?  Well Titanic hit the iceberg and sank, Olympic hit a U-boat and the U-boat sank*

 

 

 

*before the pedants arrive I am aware that strictly speaking the crew scuttled the SM U-103 after being rammed by the Olympic, but given the damage it probably wouldn't have lasted much longer anyway

[Mike Storey]

9 hours ago, luckymucklebackit said:

 

 Well Titanic hit the iceberg and sank,

 

 

Yes, but what I have never really understood, is how they managed to film it all, twice, and once in colour!!

 

[Gibbo675]

31 minutes ago, Mike Storey said:

 

Yes, but what I have never really understood, is how they managed to film it all, twice, and once in colour!!

 

What puzzles me is how much damage a lettuce can do to a ship !!!

[Compound2632]

1 hour ago, Gibbo675 said:

What puzzles me is how much damage a lettuce can do to a ship !!!

 

'Cos it does.

[ian]

12 hours ago, luckymucklebackit said:

 

Titanic hit the iceberg and sank

 

 

 

[jcm@gwr]

Dad: "Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime artist."

Son: "Was it something I said?"

Dad: "Yes"

 

My doctor just told me I'm suffering from paranoia.

Well he didn't actually say that, but I could tell that's

what he was thinking.

[Jamiel]

The three wise men who brought gifts to the baby Jesus actually came from Yorkshire.

This isn't generally recognised but the bible makes it quite clear.

"Three wise men came from the East Riding on camels"

 

Edited July 31, 2019 by Jamiel

[APOLLO]

A polar bear attended the hearing into the sinking of the Titanic in Liverpool

 

"Any news on the iceberg, my son was on it ?

 

Brit15

[Sidecar Racer]

[peanuts]

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in." However, the bloke on the next table said, "My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died." me. If the ground could have swallowed me up I'd of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?" He said, "No; he choked on a sock."

[RJS1977]

On 10/07/2019 at 21:05, Ramblin Rich said:

13 scrubbing brushes? Bit excessive....

 

Reminds me of this:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YFRUSTiFUs&t=4s

[DonB]

True story.. The law may have change since:-

 

Daughter,   " I want my ears pierced"

Father, " You are not getting your ears pierced!"(she needed parental permission being under 18 y.o.)

D..... "But I'm past the age of consent"

F.....  "You can sleep with who you like, but you are not getting your ears pierced"

[The Johnster]

On 24/07/2019 at 03:25, BR60103 said:

I hope I haven't said this before.

 

Dogs look at a fence and say "I must not go past that." 

Cats say "I think I can jump over that."

 

In ancient Egypt, cats were worshipped as gods.  Cats have never forgotten this...