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The Forum Jokes Thread


Colin_McLeod
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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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We had (still do for all I know) a lady in Grangetown, Cardiff, called Angel Destiny (I know, sounds like a budget cruise liner) who was a psychic or so she claimed.  Away with the fairies, madder than a bag of badgers, but friendly enough.  I sort of knew her to talk to when I lived in Riverside, and she lived in a flat upstairs in a house on a corner.  One day, the corner collapsed (she was out at the time), and the day after I ran into her in Virdee's Post Office on Clare Road where she was being merciless teased that she hadn't seen that coming.  'I bloodywell did it coming', she stoutly defended herself, 'I've been complaining to the landlord about those cracks for months...'.  

 

Go get 'em, Angel!

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12 minutes ago, The Johnster said:

We had (still do for all I know) a lady in Grangetown, Cardiff, called Angel Destiny (I know, sounds like a budget cruise liner) who was a psychic or so she claimed.  Away with the fairies, madder than a bag of badgers, but friendly enough.  I sort of knew her to talk to when I lived in Riverside, and she lived in a flat upstairs in a house on a corner.  One day, the corner collapsed (she was out at the time), and the day after I ran into her in Virdee's Post Office on Clare Road where she was being merciless teased that she hadn't seen that coming.  'I bloodywell did it coming', she stoutly defended herself, 'I've been complaining to the landlord about those cracks for months...'.  

 

Go get 'em, Angel!

We had a psychic die here in Australia. The daughter didn't let on that she'd passed for some time. Now I wonder why that would be?

 

Here is an extract from a mainstream newspaper here, after her death in 2005, which (sorry!) might give a hint.

 

Mr Diary knew that last week would be a good one. After all, the authoritative forecast on the website of "white witch" Kerry Kulkens had decreed that Cancerians such as Mr Diary would finally benefit from "showing your best side to your superiors".

But pardon us for being a tad sceptical about the accuracy of this astrological stab in the dark. As readers may have read last week, Ms Kulkens died on February 6, seven weeks before the forecast appeared.

This was not the only chronological hitch to the Kulkens saga. Local newshound Blair Corless says he was told by Ms Kulkens' daughter, Sarah, two weeks ago that her mother had retired and was living in Cairns.

"I asked for a contact number," said Corless, of the Free Press Leader, "because Kerry would be a good interview. She was known in the area." However, he was not hopeful. The local Le Pine funeral parlour had told him that a funeral service for Ms Kulkens had been held on February 11.

Sarah Kulkens had no answer when Diary asked her why she had maintained her mother was still alive. But she did have an explanation for the Kerry Kulkens astrological forecasts that have kept appearing since KK passed on. "My mother wrote them," she told us. "We have boxes and boxes of them sitting here. Enough for the next 10 years."

It certainly was a long-range vision that witch Kulkens possessed. Not only could she read the zodiac 10 years ahead, she could anticipate individual requests. Even yesterday the Kulkens website (which still had not mentioned the demise of the great seer) was offering "personal email readings"

 

Yes the website is still active!

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1 hour ago, The Johnster said:

We had (still do for all I know) a lady in Grangetown, Cardiff, called Angel Destiny (I know, sounds like a budget cruise liner) who was a psychic or so she claimed.  Away with the fairies, madder than a bag of badgers, but friendly enough.  I sort of knew her to talk to when I lived in Riverside, and she lived in a flat upstairs in a house on a corner.  One day, the corner collapsed (she was out at the time), and the day after I ran into her in Virdee's Post Office on Clare Road where she was being merciless teased that she hadn't seen that coming.  'I bloodywell did it coming', she stoutly defended herself, 'I've been complaining to the landlord about those cracks for months...'.  

 

Go get 'em, Angel!

She should've pointed out that she was out of the house at the time!

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8 hours ago, Enterprisingwestern said:

 

Pocketmags have just sent me an email offering me a free copy of Psychic News.

 

Didn't see that coming.

 

Mike.

 

A bit like Derek Acorah and the "other" car....

 

TV psychic Derek Acorah has been banned from driving following a car crash.

 

Acorah, 64, was driving a Nissan GT near Southport, Merseyside, on 7 December when the crash took place.

The Crown Prosecution Service said the psychic's car had approached a roundabout at speed and veered across the road. His car struck a Ford Ka, causing the driver to have whiplash.

 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-merseyside-26543089

 

:prankster:

 

 

Jason

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In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

 

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

 

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

 

"Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of...”

 

At that point, the colonel interrupted. "Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f**k off."

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1 hour ago, Sidecar Racer said:

 

A company has produced soft furnishings with the Angel of Death pictured on them.

 


There's bound to be Reaper Cushions.

I had the Grim Reaper turning up at my front door. I was vacuuming the hallway carpet at the time, so when he tried to grab me I beat him back with the vacuum cleaner and slammed the door in his face.

 

Talk about Dyson with Death....

Edited by Baby Deltic
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