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A trip down memory lane...........!


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I just got sent this one, made me laugh and think back with rose tinted specs and yearning for a life on board again! 'Ratty!'





1. Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe, fit a thin mattress and sleep on top of it.

2. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that is too small.

3. Wash your socks and underpants in the bathroom sink every night, then hang them on the water pipes to dry.

4. Four hours after you have gone to bed, instruct your wife to whip open the curtain, shine a torch in your face and say, "Sorry mate, wrong pit!"

5. When you have a shower, remember to turn the water off when you soap.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking-chair and rock as hard as you can until you are violently sick.

7. Put diesel oil into a humidifier and set it on high to achieve that wonderful Ship Aroma.

8. Don't watch TV except for a movie at 2030. For added realism, have the family vote for which movie to have and then select a different one.

9. Leave a lawnmower running in the house to re-create correct noise levels.

10.Have the postman or paperboy give you a haircut fortnightly.

11.Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, ensuring that the soot is carried over to your neighbour's home. When he comes to complain, laugh in his face and say "That's life in a blue suit mate"

12.Buy a rubbish compactor, but only use it once a week, storing all of your rubbish in the shower cubicle.

13.Wake up at midnight each night and make a sandwich out of anything you can find.

14.Have a fridge in your home specifically for beer. put a lock on it and give the key to the local policeman.

15.Keep spare keys for above and empty it every lunchtime.

16.Devise your family menu a week in advance without looking in the fridge or freezer.

17.Once a month, take apart every household appliance then re-assemble them.

18.Use four spoonfuls of coffee per cup and wait 3 hours before drinking it.

19.Invite 40 people you don't like, to stay in your house for a couple of months.

20.Install a small fluorescent strip light under your coffee table then lie underneath it to read a book.

21.Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of all the doors in the house, so you will either bang your head or skin your shins every time you pass through them.

22.When baking a cake, prop one side of the cake tin against the side of the oven and when it has cooled, spread icing thickly on lower side to even it out.

23.Every so often throw one of the kids into the bath and scream "Man overboard!" Sling in a sponge with a flag on it, then run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots and pans onto the floor and yell at your wife for not securing for sea.

24.Get your wife and kids to clean their rooms every evening and at 1900 wander around the house with the local policeman.

25.Name your favourite shoes "Steaming Bats" then get the kids to hide them around the house.

26.Lie on your bed, or sofa and fart for absolutely no reason.

27.Insist on going to the local post office for your mail and get them to phone you when it is ready for collection.

28.On Saturday morning walk around the house, whistling loudly and insist that everyone you pass stands to attention.

29.Paint the outside of your house battleship grey and put the number on the wall in big black letters.

30.Put windows and a bloody big wheel in your loft.

31.Every Thursday at 0500 in the morning, run around the house yelling "Hands to Action Stations!"

32.Roll up a soft porn magazine and stick it behind the cistern in the toilet all of your visitors can read it.

33. When the family demands more food, yell back at them "WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FOR 39p PER DAY, PER MAN"!

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Here's a few more:


34. Find as many cockroaches as you can and then release them into all parts of your house. Every 3 months or so fill the house with the most vile chemical spray smell possible so as to replicate fumigation, taking special care to ensure all your clothes are covered with said chemical too. On no account should this fumigation agent be able to kill the cockroaches.

35. Fresh fruit and vegetables shall only be available every 3 months, and then shall only be available for the first week of that 3 month cycle, all vegetables provided thereafter shall either be frozen or mouldy (weevils optional).

36. At least half a dozen times a day play a tape recording at maximum volume of your favourite Buffer shouting and screaming insults at nobody in particular, using language that'd make a Guzz strumpet blush.



Aye, every day an adventure!

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38. To replicate those fine tropical evenings, on the hottest day of the year close all your windows and doors and turn all heaters and radiators to maximum, have a roast beef dinner with all the trimmings, and then try to sleep in still air with the temp nudging 40 Celsius, being woken a few hours later to stand a 4 hour watch sitting on top of the central heating boiler.

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39. Encourage a workmate to walk around naked, (except for green pussers socks or one flip flop) scratching his b*lls whilst loudly breaking wind, Workmate must be extremely skinny, have a strong Yorkshire accent and be covered in tattoo's!


40. Have a violent argument when your wife gives you back your freshly laundered kit, minus one sock. She screams in a loud Chinese voice that "YOU ONLY GIVE ME ONE SOCK!!"

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