Andy L

Here's a few that a friend sent me. Enjoy The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and to tell him to report on all the Street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike!' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!' 'Jason is on his skate board!' After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!' Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're shagging?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...' Some old men can still think fast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 Box Donation A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 2 Lemon Squeeze There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3 Looks of Disappointment A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 4 Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 5 Donation Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" "It is!" "This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can!" "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" "I do!" "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is!" "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" "He will." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 6 Confession An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 7 Brothel Trip An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 8 Senility An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 9 Pest Control A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little so and sos!"

Here are some funnies from a friend of mine. Enjoy! They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies , don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again , ' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it , we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight , the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans , bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you will want remembered. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining , super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. -------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge so up yours.'

good morning all belated happy new year. i'm now bored of all this cold weather and snow. has any one else noticed how this bad weather brings out the best in people. at my shop we pick up a pint of milk and the paper each morning from the paper shop round the corner from us. on tuesday he was shut (he comes down from bolton). the owner of the hairdressers popped in to say she wasnt opening, and did we need anything from sale. i asked if she could pick up the milk for us, she came back with the following a pint of milk 6 hot crossed buns tub of butter and to top it off a toaster! she wouldnt take any money for it not much i can say to that. apart from if she needs any jobs doing i'll be there like a shot!! stay safe everyone

Morning all! Hope everyone is well this very cold morning. During this cold spell, i've realised that where i work is not the best place during the cold. We keep the main door open all the time. the other day it was 60C! lord knows how cold its gonna be today Anyway these things are sent to try us and there are worse things that can happen. All the best for Christmas and the New year.

morning all! looks like i'm gonna get wet walking to work. ah well never mind have a great day everyone

good morning alll! its a sterotypical manchester morning cold and damp. i'm not looking forward to today as i'm running the shop and the fella that will be working with me doesn't like being asked to do anything. so i'm gonna be run ragged with silly questions from him and customers. ATM no one in south manchester seems to have any common sense. ah well these things are sent to try us, must keep smiling. best of luck mick. john dmj my mum taught me that one, i now live by it. hope everyone has a great day

Morning all! Its really cold here this morning -3, the frost was starting very early last night (about 9pm) just trying to figure out how many layers would be good for today, and do i crack out the thermals have a great day everyone

morning all. best of luck dom. weather is rubbish this morning, and i really dont want to go out into it. happy friday everyone.

Good Morning all! Just trying to shoehorn myself out of bed, as we need to be at the tram stop for half 7. this is so that we can get in to manchester for the train down to brum. i'm getting the hurry up from swimbo, so have a great day everyone

morning all! its all quiet. just had a chat with a friend in cockermouth. thankfully she's ok she was out when the floods hit. no more ghostly goings on altho we both feel like we're being watched, nothing bad, more like being looked over by a grandfather. hard to explain but i'm sure you know what i mean. just seen the time. i'm late have a great day