OK, I may have put something slightly misleading in my original post by saying that we were using coils of our own making.
So far we've fitted up 4 uncoupling magnets, two of them use solenoids that come from Kadee's own electromagnetic uncoupling kit and the other two are our "roll your own" solenoids which are electrically identical to the Kadee ones. The only magnetic difference will be that the official ones are wound on some sort of nylon former while ours are built around a styrene tube and sides, but I doubt the magnetic permeability of styrene is sufficiently different from the permeability of the nylon to make any discernible difference.
However, typing this is causing the principles of magnetic theory from A Level physics 44 years ago to swirl around in my mind and I am wondering if you might have a point with the magnets (even Kadee's own coils) being too strong. Physically, the difference above the baseboard is that instead of using Kadee's massive plates which must be 50mm + long we simply have a pair of 20mm plates sticking up vertically just inboard of the rails (very similar concept to a pair of rare earth magnets between the rails). What is running through my mind is that in the Kadee "official" unit there is an amount of magnetic flux being pushed through the air gap on 50mm long plates, we are pushing the same amount of flux through a 20mm air gap (a 40% smaller gap). Higher flux density, stronger (too strong) fields, that might explain some of the things we've seen.
I have spent some time during the week dismantling those wagons I can get into easily and replacing their ferrous based weights with lead and it seems to have made some difference but not as much as we had hoped - and I didn't manage to get a photograph of top side of one of our uncouplers before the layout got crated up again (layout out again this weekend).
I'll let you all know how the layout and couplings behave early next week.
If anyone who is following this will be local to Romsey this weekend do stop by and see us and the layout, Crossfield Hall, Romsey, Sat 1030 - 1700, Sunday 1000 - 1630.
Elliott