The Modeller and the Carpenter

[Mick Bonwick]

With sincere apologies to Lewis Carroll:

 

The Modeller and the Carpenter

 

 The sun was shining on the shed,

 Shining with all his might:

 He did his very best to make

 The planking smooth and bright,

 And this was odd, because it was

 The middle of the night.

 

 The moon was shining sulkily,

 Because she thought the sun

 Had got no business to be there

 After the day was done--

 "It's very rude of him," she said,

 "To come and spoil the fun!"

 

 The shed was wet as wet could be,

 Because it was July.

 You could only see the clouds, because

 Just clouds were in the sky:

 No birds were flying overhead--

 There were no birds to fly.

 

 The Modeller and the Carpenter

 Were walking past the shed;

 The cost of breakfast from the caff

 Had filled them full of dread:

 "The bacon's cold, the eggs are hard,

 There's not enough fried bread!"

 

 "If seven cooks with seven pans

 Had started it last night.

 Do you suppose," the Modeller said,

 "That they could get it right?"

 "I doubt it," said the Carpenter,

 "They're really not that bright."

 

"O Spotters, come and walk with us!"

 The Modeller did beseech.

 "A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,

 Out of the foreman's reach:

 We cannot do with more than four,

 To give a hand to each."

 

 The eldest Spotter looked at him,

 But never a word he said:

 The eldest Spotter winked his eye,

 And shook his heavy head--

 Meaning to say he did not choose

 To leave his cosy bed.

 

 But four young Spotters hurried up,

 All eager for the treat:

 Their anoraks brushed, their faces washed,

 Their shoes were clean and neat--

 And this was odd, because, you know,

 They'd really dirty feet.

 

 Four other Spotters followed them,

 And yet another four;

 And thick and fast they came at last,

 And more, and more, and more--

 All squeezing through the barbed wire fence,

 And charging in the door.

 

 The Modeller and the Carpenter

 Walked on a yard or so,

 And then they hid behind a Gronk

 Conveniently slow:

 And all the little Spotters stood

 And waited in a row.

 

 “The time has come,” the modeller said,

 “To talk of many things:

 Of cork, Sundeala, bumpy tracks,

 Of Streaks, Bulleids and Kings.

 And when I’ll build that Royal Scot,

 And whether pigs have wings.”

 

 "But wait a bit," the Spotters cried,

 "Before we have our chat;

 For some of us are out of breath,

 And all of us are fat!"

 "No hurry!" said the Carpenter.

 They thanked him much for that.

 

 "Some fish and chips," the Modeller said,

 "Is what we chiefly need:

 Salt and vinegar besides

 Are very good indeed--

 Now if you're ready, Spotters dear,

 We can begin to feed."

 

 "But not with us!" the Spotters cried,

 Turning a little blue.

 "After such a breakfast, that would be

 A sickening thing to do!"

 "OK, that's fine," the Modeller said.

 "Instead I'll have some stew."

 

 "It was so kind of you to come!

 And you are very nice!"

 The Carpenter said nothing but

 "Well, what's the price:

 I wish you were not quite so deaf--

 I've had to ask you twice!"

 

 "It seems a shame," the Modeller said,

 "To play them such a trick,

 After we've brought them out so far,

 And made them trot so quick!"

 The Carpenter said nothing but

 "This biscuit's like a brick!"

 

 "I weep for you," the Modeller said:

 "I deeply sympathize."

 With sobs and tears he pointed out

 Tanks of the largest size,

 Holding his pocket ABC

 Before his streaming eyes.

 

 "O Spotters," said the Carpenter,

 "You've had a bit of fun!

 Have you seen those Johnsons there?"

 But answer came there none--

 And this was scarcely odd, because

 They'd spotted every one.

[Captain Kernow]

A most commodious piece of verse, but what about the macaroons?