Ducking Giraffe

That was "Naked Gun 33 1/3" rather than "Airplane!" ...I think they're more under a bush than under static grass.

Thanks for all your wonderful comments, glad you appreciate it. For a Mr Agog, address unknown, yes there are parts 2 & 3 waiting in the wings. Part 2 sees our hero banged up in Modeller's prison - the only way to get out early is to get his layout up to exhibition standard: a tall order for someone raised on Series 3 & Super 4 track... I don’t think we should be too hard on Eric at no 52, he has actually been a good friend in the past, lending a cup of static grass on a Sunday evening when I've run out. Initially I thought it was him who dobbed me in, hoping to get in with The Wife by extolling the virtues of a reduced track gauge layout 1/3rd of the size, leaving room in the shed for a display of her Franklin Mint Princess Diana memorial figurines. However, as we shall see, it might not have been Eric at all, but Darker Forces at work, eager to put my in-depth knowledge of Hornby Eurostars to their own criminal ends...

Because it was an advent calendar dressing gown?

Chapter 1 - Dawn Raid Early one morning I was rudely awakened to a loud banging on the front door. Opening the door in my dressing gown and slippers I was confronted by two swarthy men apparently dressed in in 1970s British Rail inspector uniforms. They were very polite. Too polite. “Good morning sir we have received reports of less than model behaviour at this address.” “What kind of behaviour?”. “ Well I'd rather not discuss it on the doorstep if that's ok with you.” I looked across the street and saw the curtains twitching. One of the inspectors followed my gaze. “Friend of yours is he sir?” “No that's Eric at number 52, he's an N gauge nutter.” “We don't use the n-word any more sir, it's now a nutter modelling using a reduced track gauge.” I showed them in. “Yes, we've received Credible and True reports of train racing at this address.” “Train racing?” I asked, with as much surprise as I could muster. “Yes, two trains are on separate tracks. Going in the same direction. And you see which one is faster. ” “I've no idea what you're talking about officer!” I blustered “I think we better see your layout if you don't mind . Is it in the loft, spare room or shed? I think it's in the shed isn't it sir?”. “How do you know that?” “Well it has a rather large green British Rail totem sign saying STEVE’S TRAIN SHED so that was a bit of a giveaway. I've been on a course you know.” Grudgingly I led them to the shed and let them in. Together they a low whistle and scratched their heads. “Does your wife know how much all this cost sir?” I shuffled uncomfortably, said nothing and looked at the floor. “I see, we’ve been putting it on parliamentary expenses haven't we sir.” “Ah-Ha!” he said , pointing to the controller ”A classic indication of train racing if you ask me. I notice it's an analogue DC layout but the twin track controller has both switches in the forward position where I’d expect one to be in forward, one to be in reverse if the trains to be going round in opposite directions." He looked around “Well we have been busy here, so can you explain that?” He pointed a stubby finger at the track. “Yes that's track underlay” I said “what's the problem?” “Yes but it's foam underlay and it’ll crumble - in 15 years you'll be ripping it off again and doing it properly!” “But it was quicker than cork, glue and granite chippings” “Quicker? Quicker? In some sort of hurry are we sir? On the Great Railway Challenge are we sir? Trying to get the layout done for Christmas are we sir?” “And what have we here, a Blue Pullman 1960 to ‘73 next to a Eurostar 1994 to 2017!” “It looks like we've been mixing our eras haven't we sir.” “And this. An evening star resplendent in BR green. So what can you tell me about the Evening Star sir? “It was the last steam engine made for British Rail in 1960?" "Precisely sir, and there was only one of them, so how come you've got two on your layout? I suppose you're going to give me some weak excuse about one being tender driven and the other being loco driven are you?” “Well yes, I was going to sell the slower one on eBay when I got round to it” “That's what they all say.” Another item caught his eye. “A very nice 1970s HST train in original BR blue sir”. His expression changed to a frown. “Oh dear oh dear the buffet car appears to be next to a power car, not in the middle where it should be, so the passengers have to walk all the way down the train to get something to eat! Also we seem to have mixed Eastern and Western region mk3 coaches. In the same train? "They were a snip on eBay... " I meekly muttered. My heart sank as he uncoupled an HST power car from the rest of the train and deftly removed the body. I knew I should have screwed it down. Having removed the body his expression turned darker. “Oh dear sir we appear to have have a digital DCC sound chip. And a loudspeaker. And it's running on an analogue layout with no chance of the benefits of DCC digital control or getting the sound to work! ” He replaced the loco body and turned to me. “Perverts like you make me sick, you pretend you’re all in with the latest technology and DCC chips and sound and pay lip service to finescale modelling but underneath it all you're just playing trains. You self identify as a model railway enthusiast but you're really not taking this whole modelling thing seriously are you?” He turned to his sergeant. “I think we’re looking at a 5 to 6 stretch here. Worst case I’ve seen this year. Better take him down the station.” “Paddington Green?” I asked “No he's a light brown bear colour actually but that's not important right now.” “Can I pack a few things, maybe a R214 gravity ore unloading set, a bag of plastic coal and small oval of track?” “No you won’t need that where you’re going.. Get yer trousers on sunshine, YOU'RE NICKED!" If you have been affected by any of the topics in this story please DO NOT phone our helpline as the operatives are quite frankly sick of old blokes like you banging on about how much better everything was in the 1970's, forgetting about the three day week, oil crisis, inflation at 20%, shops closed on Sunday and only three channels on the TV. And the Austin Allegro. Coming soon The Rivet Police Part 2 - Banged Up