28XX

As far as drilling into the bottom of a lamp is concerned, use a piece of brass tube slid over the drill so that just the required depth of hole peeps out. Secure with blutak if necessary. Ideally use a pillar drill and a machine vice to hold everything steady and economise on lamps and drill bits.

Blew - Nirvana

How can you spot a blind man at a nudist colony? It's not hard.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are sitting in the parlour at 221b Baker Street. Holmes is doing The Times crossword. "Here, Watson, you're a medic, what do you think 14 down 'as of, or pertaining to the digestive tract', second letter L, is?" "Alimentary, my dear Holmes." replies Watson. "Gad! Of course!" A little while later, Holmes throws the paper down in disgust and starts pacing around the room. "I've got 'em all, Watson, except the last. 'A saffron-hued narrow way between buildings' 1-5-5. The man's a devil and no mistake!" Watson ponders a while before responding. "A lemon entry, my dear Holmes".

Don't look back - Boston

A cynic might say the gronk was just a carrot to get people excited and to donate regardless of the outcome.

The crowdfunder raised £3712, a long way off the £19k target. The money has been taken from the pledgers accounts but it is unclear what happens next. An extension on the purchase deadline has been secured, but how long it is, and how they plan to secure the funds to complete the purchase is yet to be revealed. I thought the whole point of crowdfunding was that if the target was not reached, nobody's money would be taken and the project aborted. So now I'm confused.

I went to stay with my Aunt who lived in London in 1971 aged 12. I went home on my own by train from Paddington. She got me to the station and into a compartment a long time before departure. She scuttled off and came back to the train clutching the first issue of 'Model Railways' (the new Bigger Model Railway News). "Something to read on the way home". It was a thick issue with a lot of editorial, as it was the relaunch. The end of toy trains, the start of attempting to model.

Six phone calls from our Ward during her traverse of our capital city. As it's now 10:30 pm and we have heard nothing since 11:00am, she's either dead in a ditch, or having too much fun with her peers to call. Further bulletin tomorrow.

Good morning all. Just got back from Shrub Hill, having sent foster daughter (17) off to a training course in Hertfordshire. Train tube tube train. Feeling a lot guilty that we haven't prepared her thoroughly enough for independent train travel which is second nature to all ERs. Let's see how she gets on.

The Turn of a Friendly Card - Alan Parsons Project

Two Toby jugs

She's Got it Bad - Simply Red

Walk This Way - Aerosmith. Also covered by Run DMC, whose version, I am staggered to learn, is 30 years old.

Sweet Little Mystery - Wet ditto ditto

It will depend how impatient you are

Last Chance on the Stairway - Duran Duran

In Your Letter - REO Speedwagon

Into the Valley - Skids

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. Mick, the bartender says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy” Paddy replies “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.” Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. “Dammit” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. “Oh muther of God, this is gettin' worse,” he slurs. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face. “I’ll never make it home,” he mumbles amid more curses. He can see his house, it's just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and grunts “No way”. But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says “Maybe I can just can make it to the bed.” He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says “To hell with it” and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Bridie, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Wake up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”. Paddy says, "I did Bridie. I was totally scuttered pissed. Me head’s throbbin’. But how’d ye know?” “Mick phoned ... You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Englishman in New York - Sting

if not for you - George Harrison

Down Town - Petula Clarke

London Pride - Noel Coward

Love is a Battlefield - Pat Benatar