kandc_au

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman

at a Coastal village in Ireland . Daily he would pole

a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy

iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he

sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular

habits he always arrived home each day at a certain

time. Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling

was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted

the Police to investigate him being missing. They

rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside

him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist

aboard.

Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' Said.........................................

 

 

************************

 

 

OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

Not familiar with the up and over door, as to whether it is tracked or not like a tilt a door here.

I agree to put in a ceiling, I woiuld also seal the brickwork and if there is any gaps with the door then I would be inclined to put in a wall to seal the door area.

Either way you can still have your door with the internal wall and personal access door effectively hidden by the main door.

 

Just some thoughts........

 

Khris

http://www.ebay.co.u...#ht_5348wt_1271

 

'Loco is unpowered' - How much?

 

 

GBP77

 

Actually unless you read all the screed it is not that apparent that it is a Non Powered loco.

I get 99,88

 

Khris

Im gonna give up with ebay, i never win anything. Prob cos i bid what i think is a realistic price and then stuff sells for more than its worth. Usually used items sell for about the same as a certain dealer offers on their website/shop for new items. And anything that a certain sheffield based shop puts on there seems to go for daft money......

 

or is it just me.

 

Carl,

I was watching Toplights for a while. Already had some but wanted more.

I came close to selling mine on ebay so I could buy 2.

They are still available, yet someone was paying 80 odd GBP while curent price is in the 40's

Persevere, you will find you can buy well BUT always double check if it is available currently and how much.

 

Khris

From a Newspaper in NSW Aust

 

Dave got a job working the signals on the western rail line near Blayney &

after several days on the job a Country Link inspector turns up to see how

he is going.

"What would you do if you had two trains heading towards each other on the

same line? He asks Dave.

I'd put the lghts on red & stop them" Dave says.

What if the lights were out of action says the inspector.

"I'd fire flares" says Dave.

"What if they're damp & won't work", says the inspector. "And now the trains

are really close."

Well, I'd rush out & get Mabel" says Dave.

"What could she do?" says the inspector.

 

"Nothing" says Dave , "But she's never seen a train crash before."

Hi Again

 

Any Question I'm sure Peter will Answer them all for you...

 

Jamie

 

I'm surprised he would have the time, at the rate of knots he is going at on the layout.

Looking goood and lots of ideas to boot!

 

khris

 

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,

"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...

 

 

"Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"

 

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked,

 

"What did she roll?"

 

The other answered, "I don't know –

 

I thought you were watching."

 

MORAL OF THE STORY

 

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb ...

But all men are men!

FROZEN CRABS and THE BLONDE

 

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs, and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

 

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

 

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up.... So she took them home and ate them and they were simply delicious.

Two lessons here:

 

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

 

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some people might think.

Interesting Observation

 

Have you ever noticed?

 

1. The sport of choice for the poor and under educated is SOCCER.

 

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BASKETBALL.

 

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY.

 

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET.

 

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

 

And....

 

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF..

 

MY AMAZING CONCLUSION:

 

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in the Government playing:

 

marbles!

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night

when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.

'We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my iPod.'

I can tell you, that poor fly never knew what hit it...

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather,

who was working in the yard and asked him,

"Grampa, what is couple sex?"

 

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask

such a question, but decided that if she's old enough

to know to ask the question, then she's old enough

to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave

nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about

human reproduction and the joys and

responsibilities of intercourse.

 

When he finished explaining, the little girl was

looking at him with her mouth hanging open,

eyes wide in amazement.

 

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather

asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

 

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that

dinner will be ready in just a couple secs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.

 

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.

 

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.

 

Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "

 

The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "

 

The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get onto the bed. "

Never force children to pray !

 

At dinner, a little boy was ordered by his father to lead in prayer .

 

BOY: But I don’t know how to pray .

DAD : Just pray for your family members , friends and neighbors , the poor , etc .....

BOY : “Dear Lord,†he started

Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream .

Bless them so they won’t come again !

Forgive our neighbor’s son , who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed yesterday .

This coming Christmas , please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s blackberry mobile phone .

 

And provide shelter , Lord , to the homeless men who use mom’s room when daddy is at work ..

 

AMEN

 

 

 

That evening Mom and Dad did not have dinner……

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a

German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an

Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian,

a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a

Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a

Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri

Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a

Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a

Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an

Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a

Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a

Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a

Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an

Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a

Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a

Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a

Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a

Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an

Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

 

"I'm sorry," says the maître d' after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

 

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

 

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

 

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.

 

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

...and please at least try to check whether they've been used on this forum before...

 

Maybe we should post to you first for approval, as I certainly don't have the time to go through 34 pages of jokes to see whether they have or have not been posted before.

And my memory is not anywhere new reliable enough to guess where i have seen a joke before either.

 

Khris

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

 

We are all familiar with a

Herd of cows,

a Flock of chickens,

a School of fish

and a Gaggle of geese.

 

However, less widely known is:

a Pride of lions,

 

a Murder of crows

 

 

 

 

 

She's a virgin & they are both waiters.

Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

 

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

 

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

 

Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

 

 

 

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

 

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69".

 

 

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

 

"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

Don't know if I have posted this before or whether some else has!

 

The Haircut

 

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he

asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money

from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was

pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the

next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for

him at his door.

 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing

community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The

next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'

card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

 

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the

barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing

community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen

MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the

citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

Lastnight, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us,so she pulled out a $10 bill.When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

 

Not to be outdone,another friend pulls out a $20 bill.She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill,and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

 

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

 

Seeing the way things are going,the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me onto try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

 

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!