Loneliness vs. Solitude - Please Take Care

[lofty1966]

Slightly OT, but is there a Canadian equivalent of "wasting police time"?

Now this is where Canadian law is an ass. There is zero tolerance on spousal assault. A charge is laid by the Police the moment either partner alleges assault. Doesn’t matter how flimsy the claim is, a charge is laid.

Once the charge is laid the claimant cannot retract the statement so off to court we go.

A friend who is a cop said , I am extremely unlikely to be found guilty as it’s a “she said/he said” but......

Even if found not guilty, I am likely to be forced to sign a “peace bond” which will prohibit me from returning to my house or the pubs for at least another 12 months. So that means I will have no access for two years (as final court date is likely to be 12 months anyway) !

It was done to get me out of the house with pretty much no chance of returning.

The estimated legal cost to me just on the criminal charge is between two and five Grand !

To get into the divorce and family law side of all this ,the cost is going to run ten Grand up to infinity depending on how much “work” I am prepared to do myself!

First step is to try and get Spousal support as I was the stay at home parent and don’t have a full time regular hours job.

It’s not going to end well.

What I cannot grasp is why she has such a vitriolic hatred on....she said back in Feb/March she wanted out and I said “sure” so why not just get on with it?

Woulda saved a sh*tload of money!

 

 

And write everything down, day, date, exact time, so when you are accused of something else you can pull out your diary and say, 'I couldnt have done that because etc'.

 

Lofty I have also been there and done that, there is light at the end of the tunnel but it is bloody hard at times, you will get depressed (very depressed*) but dont let the b-tch win.

 

 

* I got low enough to connect a hosepipe to the car exhaust and run it into the back through the rear door window but just before falling unconscious I looked at a picture of my/our kids and decided there and then she wasnt going to beat me, and guess what, because I wrote everything down she made a couple of mistakes in Court and as I had everything written down the Court awarded in my favour because her integrity had been called into question.

 

2 minutes more in the car and I would never have 'won'.

The headache from the carbon monoxide lasted nearly 4 days which I took as punishment for letting myself get in that position!

 

Holy Smokes Mr R/O close call. Glad you saw sense !

I am off to get some notebooks whilst memory is still fresh. You are the second person to tell me that so it’s imperative to act on it.

I wouldn’t give my delightful ‘ex to be’the satisfaction of getting everything (which from her actions , I presume she is trying to get)

[Dunsignalling]

 

Richard Thompson (ex Fairport Convention) has written a song about us. Personally, I think he's got it wrong - I live alone, have done for nigh on 30 years, and am quite happy that way thank you very much Mr Thompson.

 

Sometimes I long for the solitary life

Parents long gone, no kids, no wife

Sister, somewhere in Australia

Never did keep in touch

 

Sex, no more than a, how do you do?

With a copy of Penthouse in the loo

Socially a bit of a failure

Nice not to have to try too much

 

A solitary life

A life of small horizons

Dull as the pewter skies over North West Eleven

 

A solitary life

A life of small horizons

Dull as the governmental sky over North West Eleven

 

A serious hobby in the garden shed

Model trains or soldiers in lead

Join the suburban boffins of Britain

Experts on trivial things

 

And holidays in the Yorkshire Dales

Or cycling tours of the North of Wales

Unenvious of those flea bitten

On continental flings

 

A solitary life

A life of small horizons

Dull as the pewter skies over North West Eleven

 

Excitement comes by subtle means

The satisfaction of routines

Small revenges at the office

Smug little victories

 

You work on your pallor, complexion like paste

Like the gray defeat on an inmates face

A life spent adding losses and profits

Resigning by degrees

 

A solitary life

A life of small horizons

Dull as the pewter skies over North West Eleven

A solitary life

A life of small horizons

Dull as the governmental sky over North West Eleven

 

And come to the end, sad and alone

A steady reliable tumor you've grown

From selfish years, while all your peers

Have stressfully jogged to health

 

In life you always were quite numb

And foggier now, you soon succumb

In drab St. Barts on the new by-pass

Death overcomes by stealth

 

A solitary life

A life of small horizons

Dull as the pewter skies over North West Eleven

A solitary life

A life of small horizons

Dull as the governmental sky over North West Eleven

 

Obviously written by someone who can't find enough to keep himself interested in life without the stereotypical input of having a "partner". 

 

I've been living alone (mostly) since 1983 and have never had a problem with it - if I want company (sexual or otherwise), I go out and seek it.

 

I enjoy the occasional fling but don't do "relationships". I am entirely open about it but it's surprising how many don't believe me (or don't want to). I know myself well and I quite like me but experience has taught me that I really like/need my own space when it comes to domestic arrangements. if anyone moves-in, inside a year, either I will be driving her up the wall or she will be doing it to me. It's just not worth the hassle of sorting it all out when the inevitable end comes.

 

It took me a good few years to understand myself and stop striving for a lifestyle that didn't suit me but the simple truth is that some of us are "self-contained units" and some aren't.

 

Unfortunately, most of those who aren't just don't "get" that what works for them doesn't work for everyone.

 

John

Edited December 17, 2017 by Dunsignalling

[BlackRat]

I can't speak for the Canadian Police but the plod in the UK are now almost unfit for purpose.

 

Having turned from a force into a 'service' and an ethos of "We believe you" is now in ...........and basically whoever gets in first, well the investigation can often be biased towards them.....as recent trial collapses tend to support this.

 

It is not the Polices job to believe anyone.........that is for either the magistrates or a jury.

 

The polices role is to be impartial, to conduct an investigation and present facts and evidence to the C.P.S.

 

Something which seems to be forgotten these days and often the 'victim' turns out to be the actual defendant.

 

I have met many lonely people, and sometimes the solitude is caused by their own behaviour towards others.

 

I know of one allegedly and outwardly....... dear old lady who will be spending Christmas alone this year, her belligerent lifelong behaviour and attitude towards her family, her ongoing alcoholism and antagonistic behaviour means that her children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren will no longer have anything to do with her.

Edited December 17, 2017 by BlackRat

[Reorte]

I need to spend a lot of time by myself. The idea of living with anyone else in the same house, unless it was huge, sounds awful. That doesn't mean never wanting to spend time with anyone else and never socialising, but only in small doses. I'm going to be with family for Christmas, and that's fine, but I suspect I'll be glad to get away after a couple of days (my brother and sister and their children will be there too, so it'll be crowded and noisy).

[Mike Buckner]

The same here. I think of it interms of thresholds. There is a level of company below which someone feels lonely, and another level above which someone feels overwhelmed/bored. These thresholds differ between people. In my case, below 20 to 30 minutes a day of company and I might feel lonely. Above 2 to 3 hours and I'm usually itching to leave. Life experience has shown me that my particular thresholds are below the statistical norms. I did once have a relationship with a girl who wanted/"needed" company 24/7.

[royaloak]

I am off to get some notebooks whilst memory is still fresh. You are the second person to tell me that so it’s imperative to act on it.

I wouldn’t give my delightful ‘ex to be’the satisfaction of getting everything (which from her actions , I presume she is trying to get)

\When you are writing things in the diary/notebook make sure you write the positives and negatives in, maybe put a coloured marker on the positives so when things are getting on top of you, you can read all the positive stuff to cheer yourself up a bit, every little helps in these situations and with the law heavily stacked in the womans favour (equal rights my arse) you will need these little snippets to keep yourself sane.

[Oldddudders]

Obviously written by someone who can't find enough to keep himself interested in life without the stereotypical input of having a "partner". 

I think his stormy marriage to perfoming partner Linda will have influenced his thoughts. And his unusual, ascetic outlook, particularly in the hippie years, do not bespeak much of a stereotype. But his ongoing success within his chosen musical genre, spanning more than 40 years, marks him out as having something for many others. And no, it isn’t my sort of music at all.

 

Being widowed in 2012, when I received enormous support from the RMweb community, did not leave me as flattened by solitude as would be the case with many others. I missed Deb enormously - but as a person, not just a reassuring other soul in the house. Since then I often go weeks at a time without meeting anyone but my Scots cleaner - other than supermarket checkout ladies - but do usually spend an hour a day on the phone to Sherry. We are together for weeks at a time, and then apart for similar periods. It seems to suit us both. Horses for courses is indeed the mantra.

[Horsetan]

I can't speak for the Canadian Police but the plod in the UK are now almost unfit for purpose.....

... and then there's the Met.

[RANGERS]

The only time I want to be alone is when I fart.

 

A very serious subject matter here...but is this the funniest comment ever made on RMweb?....

[jjb1970]

I can't speak for the Canadian Police but the plod in the UK are now almost unfit for purpose.

 

Having turned from a force into a 'service' and an ethos of "We believe you" is now in ...........and basically whoever gets in first, well the investigation can often be biased towards them.....as recent trial collapses tend to support this.

 

It is not the Polices job to believe anyone.........that is for either the magistrates or a jury.

 

The polices role is to be impartial, to conduct an investigation and present facts and evidence to the C.P.S.

 

Something which seems to be forgotten these days and often the 'victim' turns out to be the actual defendant.

 

 

 

Sadly this is too true.

 

I don't blame the Police, I think it is a consequence of various attempts by politicians to remodel society and incremental politicising of the legal system which has had a baleful effect on the Police. More effort seems to go into process and manipulating figures to make the crime figures look good than fighting crime. A friend of mine runs a GP practice and when he complained about being given a crime number and told to sort it out with insurance when the practice suffered some theft he got a proper bollocking from some senior Police officer and basically accused of wasting Police time. The message is loud and clear, he now no longer bothers reporting stuff, I'm sure he isn't alone, it must do wonders for crime stats but I'm not sure society benefits from a move to using insurance companies to compensate victims of theft as an alternative to apprehending criminals. However, on the upside you can get counselling........

 

The sad result has been a drop in trust in, and respect for, the Police which is not at all positive for society.

[BlackRat]

Sadly this is too true.

 

I don't blame the Police, I think it is a consequence of various attempts by politicians to remodel society and incremental politicising of the legal system which has had a baleful effect on the Police. More effort seems to go into process and manipulating figures to make the crime figures look good than fighting crime. A friend of mine runs a GP practice and when he complained about being given a crime number and told to sort it out with insurance when the practice suffered some theft he got a proper bollocking from some senior Police officer and basically accused of wasting Police time. The message is loud and clear, he now no longer bothers reporting stuff, I'm sure he isn't alone, it must do wonders for crime stats but I'm not sure society benefits from a move to using insurance companies to compensate victims of theft as an alternative to apprehending criminals. However, on the upside you can get counselling........

 

The sad result has been a drop in trust in, and respect for, the Police which is not at all positive for society.

Don't even start me on the manipulation of crime figures!

Edited December 17, 2017 by BlackRat

[dvdlcs]

I need to spend a lot of time by myself. The idea of living with anyone else in the same house, unless it was huge, sounds awful.

 

That doesn't work.

 

After relocating to a new area, I rented a house for six months with a colleague. Although a large house, with a good sized garden, I found myself largely confined to my bedroom because I needed the solitude after working hours.

 

Still had to come up with 50% of the rent though...

[dvdlcs]

The only time I want to be alone is when I fart.

 

When this happens at work that is usually a cue for someone with whom I wouldn't mind spending some time with to approach me. Just when I've been anti-social ...

[Free At Last]

When this happens at work that is usually a cue for someone with whom I wouldn't mind spending some time with to approach me. Just when I've been anti-social ...

Maybe they're attracted by your pheromones.

[Horsetan]

When this happens at work that is usually a cue for someone with whom I wouldn't mind spending some time with to approach me. Just when I've been anti-social ...

They love it really.

[jjb1970]

Farts at work should be reserved for elevators, preferable just after the doors close on a trip to the 19th floor.

[alastairq]

As a one-time bus driver, of the hairy-backsided variety....I would fart with impunity.  It came as quite a culture shock when I went one-person[man]-operating....not having a nice wee cab to myself any more....

[47137]

Being widowed in 2012, when I received enormous support from the RMweb community, did not leave me as flattened by solitude as would be the case with many others. I missed Deb enormously - but as a person, not just a reassuring other soul in the house. Since then I often go weeks at a time without meeting anyone but my Scots cleaner - other than supermarket checkout ladies - but do usually spend an hour a day on the phone to Sherry. We are together for weeks at a time, and then apart for similar periods. It seems to suit us both. Horses for courses is indeed the mantra.

I am sure, this is a perfectly reasonable way of living. I fell in love with Marion 8-ish years ago, and since then we have spent maybe 8 x 2.5 = 20 complete weeks together, all of these weeks away on holiday. We meet up four or five times a week, and exchange numerous texts every day, but the thought of cohabiting fills both of us with roughly equal amounts of dread.

 

Horses for courses indeed, and truly some people just don't fit into the usual defined courses.

 

- Richard.

[Ian J.]

The BBC is starting a period of programming about loneliness, and this is one of the first articles on the website:

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-42887932

 

While the topic of loneliness versus solitude does come up in the article, it unfortunately also falls into the 'trap' of phrasing its narrative as 'all of us':

 

[The research] suggests that we are all likely to enjoy health benefits if we have busy social lives. Human beings are social creatures and starved of contact we can, quite literally, die.

 

It annoys me when they say 'all' because it should certainly be 'most' as people like me certainly end up worse because of the presumption that we 'all' need social interaction to be healthier. For me it's the opposite. Yet another example of thinking one size fits all is a suitable way to deal with people when it most certainly isn't.

[Dunsignalling]

The BBC is starting a period of programming about loneliness, and this is one of the first articles on the website:

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-42887932

 

While the topic of loneliness versus solitude does come up in the article, it unfortunately also falls into the 'trap' of phrasing its narrative as 'all of us':

 

 

It annoys me when they say 'all' because it should certainly be 'most' as people like me certainly end up worse because of the presumption that we 'all' need social interaction to be healthier. For me it's the opposite. Yet another example of thinking one size fits all is a suitable way to deal with people when it most certainly isn't.

As with all* most such, no doubt well intentioned, schemes, they are assuming that "average" equates to "normal", and we all know what happens when we assume......... 

 

John

 

* Edited to remove assumption.

Edited February 11, 2018 by Dunsignalling

[Ozexpatriate]

[The research] suggests that we are all likely to enjoy health benefits if we have busy social lives. Human beings are social creatures and starved of contact we can, quite literally, die.

[The research] suggests that dog owners live longer too.

 

I would happily own a dog, but living alone, as I presently do, this is next to impossible with my professional travel requirements.

Edited February 12, 2018 by Ozexpatriate

[Fenman]

[The research] suggests that dog owners live longer too.

 

I would happily own a dog, but living alone, as I presently do, this is next to impossible with my professional travel requirements.

There are usually ways round that. For odd days, my two rescues just spend time with my mother (who, as with her great-grandchildren, really enjoys having them for a short visit), while for longer trips my cleaning lady’s son stays with them in my house, house- and dog-sitting. He likes them, they like him.

 

Clearly the dogs would prefer me not to go away at all - but that’s not possible.

 

I think all dogs prefer a pack where all the pack members are together at all times. But, to give one example, 8,000 racing greyhounds are retired in the UK each year (most are just 2 or 3 years old) and still only 4,000 find retirement homes. The rest are slaughtered. I’d say it was better for more of those animals to find good-enough homes than the alternative.

 

Paul