graeme3300

What do you call a snake that’s 3.14 metres long?

A    π thon.

But there was no need for it, he was at the front with no queue whatsoever!

Obviously he's a member of the 'f*** queue' brigade!

Kerry O'Keefe, a former Australian Test Cricketer, was later a commentator for ABC radio where his unique sense of humour made cricket broadcasts memorable for most. Cricket broadcasts have never been the same since he retired from commentating, but he is still very well-remembered for the Frog Joke Colin McLeod has posted.

Enjoy!!! 

Graeme

lip change.jpg

Naahhh! It's a soup strainer!

There is also a vast reserve of knowledge and information available through the auspices of the Signalling Record Society UK - https://www.s-r-s.org.uk/home.php

Beware - you can get lost in this site for hours!!!

Graeme

An octopus was suffering in the shallows by the beach when a shark swam by and asked,

"What's the matter with you?"

The octopus replied, "I'm feeling a bit crook."

The shark said, "Have you been to the doctor?"

"I would," replied the octopus, "but he's on the other side of the reef and I'm not well enough to swim there."

"Hop on my back and I'll take you to him," said the shark.

As they approached the reef, the shark said he had to make a quick detour to see his bookie, the groper.

When they arrived, the groper asked, "Hey, shark! What's that on your back?"

"Well, groper," replied the shark,"you know my tab?

This is the sick squid I owe you!"

BluebellModeller,  If you still want to explore a computer-design program, XtrkCAD is free and does cater for Apple Mac users. Try: www.xtrkcad.org/

Hope this helps.

Graeme

4th and last try!!!

With apologies to 'The Eurythmics' and hope this works on Google Chrome!!

Third try to include a jpg attachment!!!

With apologies to 'The Eurythmics' - 'Sweet dreams are made of . . .'

With apologies to 'The Eurhythmics' . . . 'Sweet dreams are made of . . . '

This one turned up in the Melbourne 'Herald-Sun' today . . .

What did the Lone Ranger say to his offsider as they crossed the border into Canada?

"On to Toronto, pronto, Tonto!"

A termite goes into a pub and asks,

"Where's the bartender?"

Am I right in thinking that Melbourne trams are 5'3" gauge?

No, all standard gauge. There was only one 5'3" gauge line run by the VR (Victorian Railways) from St. Kilda to Brighton Beach which closed in 1956. The VR also ran a standard gauge tramway from Sandringham to Black Rock. Some history here: http://www.hawthorntramdepot.org.au/papers/vrtram.htm

Graeme

Some further info is contained in the FAQ statement from the Victrack website attached here. If you wish to explore the actual Victrack website, here's the link:

https://www.victrack.com.au/i-want-to/reinventing-trams

Graeme

Victrack - Reinventing Trams FAQ - May 2018.pdf

Here's the 'Official Line' as a PDF. In the case of many of the 134 trams being offered, they will basically be body shells having already had many bits and pieces removed to keep the 'City Circle' fleet going over the past 20 - 30 years. Nevertheless it's preferable to see them 'recycled' in a sense rather than simply scrapped, but just how many will still be left over when submissions close and allocations are made remains to be seen.

Graeme

VICTRACK - Retired Trams Strategy - May 2018.pdf

Two hydrogen atoms were walking down the street.

One says, "Damn! I just lost an electron!"

The other asks, "Are you sure?"

"Yes," says the first. "I'm positive!"

A neutron walks into a bar.

Neutron: "How much for a beer?"

Barman: "For you, sir, no charge!"

Unfortunately a minibus collided with a Puffing Billy tourist train about 1pm Melbourne time this afternoon on School Rd., Menzies Creek. Luckily only minor injuries were involved, but clearly the bus hit the train's 3rd carriage. School Rd. is not a major road but has flashing lights which were operating correctly at the time, but the level crossing is at the bottom of a reasonably steep incline. Other media outlets refer to a 'train hitting bus' scenario - typical sloppy journalism, but at least the ABC got it right. But one bus driver has some serious explaining to do.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-03-06/puffing-billy-crash-at-menzies-creek/9518658 

Been watching '72 most dangerous animals in Australia' on Netflix.

 

It amazes me that anyone can actually survive in Australia without either being bitten, stung, trampled on or eaten alive by any one of the 72.

 

Apparently, some kind of fanged furry death lurks in every bodies bedroom. Slippery fanged death awaits you in your own back yard. Go swimming and death awaits you in great abundance where sharks get first chomp. A picnic way out in the country means a 50/50 chance of making it back home in one piece where everything that can either slither, crawl, jump, leap or fly represents the 50% that makes sure you don't. Then there's the magpie season where squadrons of these winged assailants attack every thing that moves and every thing that doesn't.

 

No wonder the Aussies have a wild sense of humour !

 

Allan

Allan,

Have you heard about the notorious drop bears?? Beware!

Graeme

P.S. Check out . . .  https://australianmuseum.net.au/drop-bear

Adrian,

          Further to the excellent references given by Mark and DoubleDeckInterurban above, another quite useful site is: http://www.signaldiagramsandphotos.com/ .

Mark Bau's 'Victorian Railways' site  (http://www.victorianrailways.net) is an absolute goldmine of useful information and photographs and is highly recommended.

Another source, complementing Peter Vincent's site, is by Rob O'Regan: (http://www.robx1.net/)

In general terms, the VR largely followed UK practice for safeworking and signalling, left-hand running on double lines, and steam locomotives. Initially there were several private

companies building some suburban lines and a country line to Geelong, but they all eventually failed leaving the Victorian Government to take up the reins to expand the rail network. The VR itself dates from the early 1860s, with lines reaching Geelong in 1859, then a line northwest to Ballarat in 1862. The line to Bendigo also opened in 1862. Victoria was expanding rapidly, with huge population growth and wealth after massive alluvial gold discoveries from 1851. By the 1860s and onwards most gold-mining around Ballarat and Bendigo and elsewhere

was underground with mining companies to the fore. The Phoenix Foundry in Ballarat, as engineers to the mining industry, was also pivotal in building locomotives for the VR from 1873 until about 1904, along with Newport Workshops (opened 1889, but did not build its first loco until 1893.) Initially, locos were fully imported from Geo. England &Co; Slaughter Gruning in Bristol, then later from companies like Beyer-Peacock and Kitsons from Leeds. The VR had an odd arrangement for building locos later.They would import 'pattern' engines from the UK which were then duplicated by Phoenix Foundry to the numbers specified in contracts.The VR also dabbled in some US-built light-lines Baldwin 4-6-0s which were also 'pattern' engines in 1883, then a hulking Vauclain compound 2-8-0 in 1899, plus only two typical US 4-4-0s from Rogers in 1877. Sensibly, the VR also was a relatively early adopter of the Westinghouse automatic air brake. All the CMEs were from UK railways, and Richard Speight from the Midland in the 1880s was Chief Commissioner and introduced a lot of sensible, practical standardisation of boilers, valve-gear parts, etc.

      One obvious difference from the UK is that railways were used to open up areas of Victoria for development, hence lots of lines radiating out from Melbourne, but with very few cross-country linkages. If you're interested, there's a recently published book: 'The Phoenix Foundry - Locomotive Builders of Ballarat' by Bob Butrims and Dave Macartney- Australian Railway Historical Society (Vic Division) 2013 - ISBN: 978-0-646-90402-3 (hardback). The ARHS website is: https://www.arhsvic.org.au/ - also quite useful.

I hope this helps.

Regards,

Graeme

Before the trouble starts

A bloke goes into a pub on a hot summer’s day and says to the barman,

“Please, give me a beer before the trouble starts!” So the barman obliges.

The bloke downs the beer pretty quickly given the heat of the day, and says once again to the barman,

“Please, give me another beer before the trouble starts.” Once more the barman obliges.

“That’s starting to hit the spot,” says the bloke, “but I’m still gasping. Give me another one, please, before the trouble starts.”

The barman pulls a third beer and gives it to the bloke. “Now, when are you going to pay for these three beers?”

“Ah!” says the bloke, ”Now the trouble starts!!”

A Dietician was giving a lecture to a large crowd on good eating habits.

"Can anyone tell me," he asked,"which food causes the most grief, even years after you eat it?"

An elderly fellow in the front row put up his hand and replied,

"Would it be wedding cake?"

What starts with ‘F’?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious pupils.

The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'
 
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!'
 
Ms.Brooks had finally had enough.  She took Harry to the Principal's office.
 
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the Principal. He told Ms. Brooks that he would give the boy a test.  If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.
 
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
 
Principal:  'What is 3 x 3?'
 
Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
 
Harry: '36.'
 
.... and so it went with every question the Principal thought a bright third grader should know.
 
The Principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said,  'Now, after all that, I reckon Harry can go to the third grade'.

However, Ms. Brooks was still skeptical of the little devil and said to the Principal, 'Not so fast; let me ask him a few questions'.
 
The Principal and Harry both agreed.
 
Ms. Brooks asked, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
 
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
 
The Principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets', to the Principal's great relief.....

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

By now, the principal was sitting forward with his mouth hanging open...
 
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
 
Now the Principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum'.
 
Ms.  Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
 
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
 
The Principal was now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asked the last question......

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'
 
Harry: 'Firetruck'.

The principal breathed a huge sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put the little bleeder in fifth-grade.   I got the last seven questions wrong myself!"

About 30 years ago the school where I taught had an excursion to Rickett's Point near Beaumaris on Port Phillip Bay, Victoria where there are lots of rock pools of huge interest to 8 - 9 year old Primary students. We had done a lot of preliminary work regarding the kinds of creatures we expected to see, and above all, the safety aspects - particularly if we came across a blue-ringed octopus. The kids all had to wear old runners (trainers??) to avoid any cuts to feet, together with kitchen tongs to pick anything up, and straightened-out wire coat hangers to move any loose rocks.

Of course, who managed to dislodge a rock with his coat-hanger but the most impetuous lad in my class . . . and out shot a blue-ringed octopus! They are absolutely amazing creatures as the blue rings only show up when they are agitated.They are not very big, about the size of the palm of your hand, but absolutely deadly nevertheless. It then zoomed across the pool looking for another safe spot  for itself in the shadows, the only thing it was interested in doing. I was filming with the school's ancient and very bulky VHS video recorder slung over one shoulder, the camera in one hand trying to capture the shot of the rings appearing, and seizing the lad's arm as he quite naturally reached forward with his hand!!! Luckily I grabbed him in time and I did manage to capture some of the octopus on tape and it was invaluable as a follow-up later at school to reinforce the message of not to be scared, but be very careful indeed. We all learned a tremendous lesson that day, myself included, and especially the young lad who nearly came to grief. Even the next day it was obvious his interest was sparked by events and his maturity seemed to improve quite markedly after that. Life - definitely a continuous lesson!   

Graeme

Fish Supper

As part of community service, some Christian institutions were trying to relieve the plight of the homeless during a cold and wet winter.

A monastery had opened its doors and was giving needy people free dinners on a dreary, rainy Friday night.

One old bloke entered the monastery dining room and had fish and chips for dinner. He rated it as the best he'd ever tasted.

"I'd like to thank the chefs who prepared this wonderful meal," he said to the Brother in charge of the dining room.

"By all means. Come through to the kitchen."

The old fellow was introduced to the chefs, Brother Michael and Brother Francis.

"I'm very pleased to meet you and wanted to say thanks for such a great meal. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

"Well," said Brother Michael. "I'm the fish friar,

and Brother Francis here is the chip monk!"