NIK

I was hired to improve the mime artists union but they wouldn't think outside the box let alone leave it.

Why can't you buy the Tardis?. It had and will have a sitting Tennant.

USA news: Joe Biden's dog has left the White House after 11 biting incidents. A spokesman added: Joe Biden no longer bites after forgetting where he left his teeth.

Our nearest sewage works had an open day to allay local's fears. We went through the motions but exited relieved.

Oh no its not.

Hi, Locos slowing down then speeding up or stopping could be down to slipping in the transmission between the motor and any worm driven gear train. I've experienced slowing down and stopping with a Bachmann Class 25, a Heljan Class 35 and a Hornby new style HST. I'm guessing in my case its probably the interference fit between the horizontal shaft and the worm that is causing problems. In the case that was mentioned of a loco that was shuddering that is what my Heljan Class 35 was doing - one of the two bogies was trying to haul the jammed bogie along the track. Assuming the shaft through the worm of the other bogie was slipping badly that would cause the bogie to lock. In fairness to Hornby the HST worked fine until it derailed at full speed. I assume some wheels hit the test track baseboard, locked up and a worm shaft was loosened from its worm. In fairness to Bachmann and Heljan those two failures were amongst a much larger collection of locos mostly Bachmann and Heljan that have not had such problems plus I use locos for automation tests that repeatedly put the locos under stresses (including fast accel and decel) they might not see on a model railway layout. I was puzzled at first by the mention of increasing the voltage on DCC fitted locos exhibiting slow downs but for heavy locos with two power bogies the above proposed failure mode it makes sense. Within limits a higher DCC voltage can result in the peak current through the motor being higher and the torque higher. So that provides more torque to the other bogie and also increases the speed of the failing worm shaft so possibly more dynamic friction to allow the worm to turn as desired. Regards Nik

I hired a surveyor but he wasn't on the level.

US Fact: Did you know its illegal to cause a stampede at Buffalo University? - I do now.

Did you know the King of France bought some Dauphin friendly Tuna?.

Hi, The open day seemed to go well with more club layouts being shown than in recent open days. Beggarwood ran reasonably with only one point having to have an adjustment to the servo mount (it was a warm day). Typically it was a facing point that provided access to three fiddle yard sidings so it needed a quick fix. I picked up a second hand Bachmann Blue=Grey 4 CEP with Howes DCC Sound for £250 from one of the trade stands. Not sure what I'm going to do with it - Beggarwood has no level crossings or public foot crossings so use of horns might be limited - perhaps I can suggest a trackside work team be added to the layout so that sounding of horns on the mainline might be justified. The sound chip does seem to have auto brake squeal so maybe the 4 CEP could be used on ECS moves to and from the carriage sidings. Beggarwood is now up for two months so probably there will be a lot of members allowing them to stretch their legs. Today a newish type Hornby HST went round the layout in 20.56 seconds at max DCC speed step. We are going to get a surveyors tape to measure exactly how long one circuit of the layout is so we can work out the scale speeds. Regards Nick

Hi, Beggarwood Lane has just been put up for one of our clubs (BNHMRS) twice yearly open days. The latest open day is today (search for BNHMRS online). Test locos have been run round but its quite a complex layout so some of the less well used tracks may not have been checked yet. Members will probably be running whatever stock they would like to give a good run round. Probably wont be using the goods yard for a couple of reasons one of which is the chap who normally shunts his spratt and winkle fitted goods stock is going to be in the other hut raising funds for the club by selling off surplus model railway items. Regards Nick

Tim Vine did one thousand of his famous pun filled jokes in a gig for a bird charity. He left no Tern Unstoned.

I've been binge watching. Might try and swap my binge for a TV.

I sicked my humon spall chocker. Holp?.

I used to know a joke about a lift. It worked on so many levels.

Talking of Basingstoke (if one has to)- Basingstoke and Deane Council have put up road signs saying their area is the birthplace and home of Jane Austen: 'Mr Darcy, it has not escaped my notice that you seem to have a generous number of roundabouts on your estate of Pemberley' 'Indeed Miss Bennet, and I would venture to suggest we have the largest collection of chavs in captivity'

Hooray for Hollywood. Paul is now toted to be the next Bond, in a remake of a Piers Brosnan era bit of the franchise - The World is Not An Oeuf.

Missed Hits - Film and TV Titles that would be sure fire flops: A Pie Amongst Friends Get Caterer Jurassic Prank The Taking of Peckham 123 Tarzan the Legend of Basingstoke A Nice Dream on Elm Street American Cycle Path Raging Flea Hotdog Millionaire Snow White and the Severn Wharfs Spiderman: Into the Plughole Lowlander West Sid Story Braefart Mad Max: Furry Road What’s Vole Got to Do With it OK Man: The Movie The Postman Always Stamps on Your Parcel Twice The Rockford Sandpapers Canon Petrochemical A Man Called Horace This Sporting Lift Dysentry Dull As Last Lucozade in Halifax Last of the Summer Swine Hippy Valley Z Car The Honourable Ford Consul The Sweedy Dreadfully Long Encounter Howards Crescent The Harry Hill Mob Saturday Night Torpor Those Magnificent Men And Their Flymos Milton Keynes Or Bust Monty Python’s Fly Circus Do not adjust your settee The Life and Loves of a Devilled Kidney Later with a bloke from Holland The Morecambe and Lancaster Show Avengers Assemble a Billy Bookcase Quatermass and the Pig. Question Tim Rutland Weekend The One Ronnie When the Boat Stays Put The Camomile Lawnmower Whose Linen Is It Anyway? The Cook, the Thief, His wife and Her Liver Ant Day Afternoon The Silence of the Lamb Mince The Character Assassination of Jesse James High Nun Two Moles for Sister Sarah His Grill Friday Its a Wonderful Lift In the Sheet of the Night Thats what happened to the Likely Lads A Matter of Lifebuoy and Dettol The Life and Death of Colonel Sanders I don’t know where I’m going Cinema Purgatorio Seven Sams Far From the Madding Crud The Mare of Casterbridge The Wicker Basket Tess of the Dormobiles Lorna Dounreay Not so Easy Rider The motor mower diaries Das bath The Bribe of Frankenstein A Zoom Call with the Vampire Rumpole of the Baileys Irish Cream The Quatermass Results and Conclusion The fifth light bulb element Fiat Club The Lord of the Ringtones Schindlers Lisp The Codfather Batman Biggins The Dark Day The Dark Knight goes to sleep 12 hungry men The 400 Tickles OK lands An American in Penge OK Fellas The Usual Actors Once Upon a Time in a Vest Django, pull the chain Please Look Now Weevil Dead The Extra Cyst Forbidden Plane Four Weedings and a Watering A Hard Days Nightie Godz Better Raiders of the Lost Aardvark Apocalypse sometime Good Will Shunting How the Vest was won. Singing in the Ruin Lawrence of Suburbia Citizen Kevin Imitation Metal Jacket Indiana Jones and the Stairlift of Doom Unicycle Thieves. Taxi Passenger The One Commandment The Greatest Tory Ever Sold The Shoe Shops of the Fishermen The Antisocial Network Once Upon a Time in Hollyrood M*U*S*H Ganacheville The Shape of Roger Waters The John Hurt Locker Zero Dark Chocolates There Wont be Blood No Country for Gary Oldman Million Dollar Baby Wipes A Tale of Two Villages Mulholland Drivel The Wolf of Walsall Inglorious Spelling Mistake Moulin Beige 12 Years a Slav Brokeback Hillock City of Cod The Big Slurp All About Evening 2B or Not 2B The Wrongman Show Clutter Island The Treasure of the Sierra’s Glovebox The Great Escape Key The Elephant Shrew Harry Potter and absolutely nothing else The IOU of Fear Mad Max: Beyond the Thunderbox Mr Smith Goes to Wash The Best Years of Our Livers Glad He Didn’t Eat Her A Bridge Hand Too Far Analyse His Tupperware Town The Dirty Baker’s Dozen Let the Left One In The Public Enema Ferris Bueller’s Day Care 3:10 to Yuma Replacement Bus Service Dustbusters The Aviator Sunglasses Being John Major The Last King of Scotch Tape Raid on Aunt Ebby The Grate Escape Empire of the Daily Mirror Dirty Rotten Sandals Its a Sane, Sane, Sane, Sane World Its All Gone Pete Best Scarf Face Kind Hearts and Coronaries Rust Man Top Gum Blade Sharpener Gran Tormentor The Over the Top Ning The Curious Pillowcase of Benjamin Button Colin of The Dead Fear and Loathing of Johnny Vegas Trading Plaices Annie Pantry North by Northampton Straw Dog Baskets Cape Love The Maltese Budgie Good Morning West Ham The Lady Knitters The Day the Earth Kept Spinning Ben-Him The Distinctive Charm of the Boeuf Bourguignon The Alike Couple True Lice Train Man The Hunt for Redcurrants Guardians of the Galaxy Bar The Night of the Hillman Hunter The Bedside Table of Dr Caligari Guess Who’s coming to Dagenham I am a Fugitive from a Chain Store On the Water Cooler Slightly Tepid in Alex

I'm so un-hip I thought Ariana Grande was a posh coffee.

'Fox News - because you can't handle the truth'

After news come out that a three inch long worm was found living in an Australian woman's brain, Sun readers are assured it can't happen to them.

A mate was the guest at the local amateur comedy autopsy club. Within half an hour he was in pieces.

Evidence is building of PTSD amongst railway staff and passengers - Portillo Traumatic Sartorial Disorder. One driver said Red, Yellow and Green make me react according to my training - but not all in the same outfit. Passengers are reminded the chances of seeing Michael Portillo on a train are slim - especially on Trans Pennine.

Will you welcome please to the TV personality ball Mr and Mrs Appropriate Behaviour and their son Ian.

After Landrover announce the building of electric batteries in the West Country speculation mounts as to whether they will be savoury at one end and veg at the other.