Sidecar Racer

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.

"My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.

My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter", asked Larry "Giving up?"

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Larry quickly replied, "BBC1, ITV,, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes" said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom .."

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from

a bottle of Tippex.

I woke this morning with a huge correction.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's

group The Monkees.

I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a

couple of Swan Vesta's,

his little face lit up when he tried to walk..

Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his

cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen,

ungrateful bleeders.

All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes

to go to!'

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's

voice from the kitchen,

'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'

I said ..... 'Thank you luv, I'll have chicken please'

She replied, 'You're having soup you fat nasty man, I was talking to

the cat!'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a

prawn cocktail.

I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity,

get me out of here!'

Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a

dead Beatle for the last thirty years

Top

Sorry I may have cornered the market in starlings.

Not if this is anything to go by .

http://www.flixxy.com/amazing-starlings.htm

Confucius did NOT say

The Pastor's New Teeth

The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of his congregation, he responded:

"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore, it hurt to talk."

"The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot."

"The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't shut up."

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..

He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and

coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied.

!

!

I'm with the Inland Revenue.'

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to

putta 5-a people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says

unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.

Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are

thereforea breaking tha law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I

vont to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2

guys in a Fiat Uno"

My dad caught me smoking when I was 14 and made me have the whole pack to teach me a lesson.

I wish he'd caught me with a girl guide.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cornwall . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cornwall . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

A blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.

Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.

I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

An old man of 80 walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through

Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,

Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”

The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

£10. a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found £110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was £10, not £110".

"I know," said Grandpa.

"The hundred is from Grandma!"

Little James was playing with his train set in the front room in front of the fire while his mum was busy in the kitchen.

"Choo Choo " she heard him shout and thought isn't that nice.

A little while later she was shocked when she heard James shout" All the prats getting off the train, Bl**dy hurry up !"

and then she heard him shout " All the pillocks getting on, get your fingers out !"

She ran into the living room grabbed James by the collar and marched him to his bedroom saying "Don't speak like that,

You can stay in there young man until you learn some manners !"

A couple of hours later James comes downstairs and says "Sorry Mummy"

His mum gave him a cuddle and said "That' alright but you must not be rude again"

A short time later he was playing again. " Choo Choo" she heard him shout and then he said "

To all passengers disembarking have a nice day"

Then she heard him say " Will all passengers boarding, please mind the step"

That's my boy she beamed.

Then she heard " And to all the passengers who experienced a two hour delay,

blame the fat lady in the kitchen !"

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah

and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with

43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and

leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake w**** at her making the

'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your w**** and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire w**** size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake w**** at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed.

A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous.

The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign.

The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.

Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.

As the policeman turn to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor

looking scared to death! He asked the driver,

"What's wrong with them?"

The driver replied,

"We just turned off Highway 105."

A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess

and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess

and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!"

The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer

and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"

A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Curious to see what’s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside.

Someone inside pokes him hard in the eye and everyone starts inside chanting,

Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

Irish interview technique

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin . A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'

You put down, ‘Neither do I’.

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question

and gently tapped him of the shoulder to get his attention. The driver

screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the

curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking

driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out

of me..."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said "I

didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so

badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely

my fault, today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a

hearse for 25 years.

The old man had died.

A wonderful funeral was in progress and the local priest talked at length of the good traits

of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children,

“Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your dad.”

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the

Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing.

We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.

You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided.

The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided.

You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays.

The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're kidding me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'