iL Dottore Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 I would like to complain about the late delivery of my subscription. As happens more and more often, whenever I await an issue because of a forthcoming topic I am interested in (this issue has an article about the smaller scale [O gauge] - but will it catch on?) the magazine is always late - this time it arrived by the first afternoon post, instead of by the first morning post!. Quite frankly, I begrudge the extra farthing an issue I pay for this so-called express delivery which should allow me to have my issue by the 7 o'clock morning post the day of publication. Whatever next? strikes at the Post Office? However, as expected, RTM is an excellent read. The letters page, as always, carries provocative and and controversial missives. Can you believe that there is a Gentleman in Tunbridge Wells who claims that in the future, our model trains will be made by the coolies in China. What utter rot! The next issue should be a corker. 3 pages on the brand new three rail electric system from Carlisle and Finch, a look at the new modern M?¤rklin factory in G?¶ppingen (devlish clever, these Huns) and a detailed review of the new Bassett-Lowke 15-inch steam locomotive, the Little Giant. Cracking. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ian Posted December 10, 2009 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 10, 2009 Sir, It is with deep regret that I fear that you have chosen a publication that will bring our esteemed pastime into disrepute by its use of illustrations. In this it can only be compared to such populist and low entertainments as the penny dreadfuls that serialise such poor literary works as those of Mr. Dickens. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pinkmouse Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Sir, at here at Britain and Empire Rail Transport Modeller, (incorporating Edwardian Rail), we take such complaints as yours extremely seriously. I called in the boy who was due to deliver your edition in order to administer a sound thrashing, but the young lad concerned, (a junior of of eight years of our father, and of generally sound character), informed me that your house staff turned him away when he attempted delivery this morning. They refused to accept our fine periodical, feeling that in doing so, they might disturb yourself as you were discomposed and bilious from your previous nights activities. We at Britain and Empire consider this unbecoming, and to protect our sterling reputation and after due consideration, will be cancelling your subscription, and seeking suit for damages. Yours sincerely Major General, (Indian Corps, Retired), Lord Sir Algernon Crimsworthy. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwealleans Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Esteemed Doctor, I trust that you will not be prejudicing the Health of Your Patients by placing a Publication Steeped in the Noxious Chemical Blasphemy of the Photograph in such a place as they may inadvertently Access or Peruse it when Attending your Surgeries? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
iL Dottore Posted December 10, 2009 Author Share Posted December 10, 2009 Sir, at here at Britain and Empire Rail Transport Modeller, (incorporating Edwardian Rail), we take such complaints as yours extremely seriously. I called in the boy who was due to deliver your edition in order to administer a sound thrashing, but the young lad concerned, (a junior of of eight years of our father, and of generally sound character), informed me that your house staff turned him away when he attempted delivery this morning. They refused to accept our fine periodical, feeling that in doing so, they might disturb yourself as you were discomposed and bilious from your previous nights activities. We at Britain and Empire consider this unbecoming, and to protect our sterling reputation and after due consideration, will be cancelling your subscription, and seeking suit for damages. Yours sincerely Major General, (Indian Corps, Retired), Lord Sir Algernon Crimsworthy. Sir, your young lad was badly misinformed by my underfootman (who I have since dismissed for - amongst other misbehaviours - annoying the scullery maid). I also wish to inform you that I refute your allegations and my character witnesses (such as Lord A***** and Viscount G****) can attest to my sterling and noble personage. Being of a forgiving nature, I trust that this misunderstanding will be glossed over and my subscription re-instated. Should you fail to do so, I shall change my allegiance (and not inconsiderable influence in the model railway circles that matter) to Foreign and Colonial Railroad Building. I will also instruct my solicitors, Sue, Grabbit and Runne to take appropriate action. I remain, Sir, &tc., &tc iL Dottore Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
iL Dottore Posted December 10, 2009 Author Share Posted December 10, 2009 Esteemed Doctor, I trust that you will not be prejudicing the Health of Your Patients by placing a Publication Steeped in the Noxious Chemical Blasphemy of the Photograph in such a place as they may inadvertently Access or Peruse it when Attending your Surgeries? Sir, It is with deep regret that I fear that you have chosen a publication that will bring our esteemed pastime into disrepute by its use of illustrations. In this it can only be compared to such populist and low entertainments as the penny dreadfuls that serialise such poor literary works as those of Mr. Dickens. Frankly, and quite bluntly, Gentlemen, it is Luddite thinking such as yours that has held back our esteemed pastime by refusing to embrace change. Were it not for people such as yourselves, our hobby in this Great country of Britain would already be using electricity and the latest railway company liveries in our modelling, like our Colonial American cousins. Gentlemen, can you not see the advantage of what technology can bring? Imagine a 2 Gauge locomotive, made of the highest quality enamelled tin-plate running on electricity, photo-lithographed in the latest L&SWR company colours. A magnificent sight, but alas not one I'll see anytime soon. I remain, Sirs, &tc., &tc. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ian Posted December 10, 2009 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 10, 2009 Frankly, and quite bluntly, Gentlemen, it is Luddite thinking such as yours that has held back our esteemed pastime by refusing to embrace change. Were it not for people such as yourselves, our hobby in this Great country of Britain would already be using electricity and the latest railway company liveries in our modelling, like our Colonial American cousins. Gentlemen, can you not see the advantage of what technology can bring? Imagine a 2 Gauge locomotive, made of the highest quality enamelled tin-plate running on electricity, photo-lithographed in the latest L&SWR company colours. A magnificent sight, but alas not one I'll see anytime soon. I remain, Sirs, &tc., &tc. Sir, It appears that you are delusional. How would your electrical systems enable you to run two or more locomotives independently on the same trackage? Let alone replicate the sights and sounds of a model steam locomotive in full flight? As for the latest railway company liveries, these gaudy abominations are an afront to any right thinking person. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwealleans Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Doctor, As a Medical man, I should not expect you to be Abreast of Scientific Methods and Considerations, but I have strong connections to the Royal Society, who consider that the use of Electricity in such a Confined and Compressed space as a Gauge O locomotive can only lead inevitably to an Explosion. "Hurrah" say I. "Let such Things Befall those unwary Colonials who choose to Trifle with such Conundra". Personally I consider such things Unworthy of more than the Briefest Contemplation. The rightly identified Gaudy Abomination which is the London and South Western Railway's Livery shall never Darken the Portals of This House, Sir. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pinkmouse Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Sir, your young lad was badly misinformed by my underfootman (who I have since dismissed for - amongst other misbehaviours - annoying the scullery maid). I also wish to inform you that I refute your allegations and my character witnesses (such as Lord A***** and Viscount G****) can attest to my sterling and noble personage. Being of a forgiving nature, I trust that this misunderstanding will be glossed over and my subscription re-instated. Should you fail to do so, I shall change my allegiance (and not inconsiderable influence in the model railway circles that matter) to Foreign and Colonial Railroad Building. I will also instruct my solicitors, Sue, Grabbit and Runne to take appropriate action. I remain, Sir, &tc., &tc iL Dottore Sir, our solicitors have investigated your character references, and I am pleased to attach their findings below: Yours Major General, (Indian Corps, Retired), Lord Sir Algernon Crimsworthy. "Sir, further to your inquiries as to the case we have endeavored to contact both Lord A***** and Viscount G*****. It would appear from preliminary investigations that Viscount G**** has accrued debts of seventy two pounds, five shillings and sixpence at certain lounges in Monte Carlo, and is at present awaiting trial in a case of false suit with a Jemima Watson, an actress and dancer of Middleton Road, Bow. Lord A*****, it would seem, is uncontactable at present, as at very short notice he left the country in order to run a sheep farm in New South Wales. Investigations are continuing with the Governors office, and our representative in the colonies has been commissioned to await him when he disembarks. We therefore cannot substantiate the references given and feel that the case should be brought up with the local constabulary with utmost accord. Yours..." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Chambers Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 :icon_clap: :icon_clap: :icon_clap: :icon_clap: :icon_clap: :icon_clap: :icon_clap: :icon_clap: Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
(The) Youth Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Is this thread all a light hearted joke or is it a full blown arguement ? If its the latter then please calm down but if its the former the cary on its most entertaining Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
'CHARD Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Is this thread all a light hearted joke or is it a full blown arguement ? If its the latter then please calm down but if its the former the cary on its most entertaining Fie! Tis an arguement full blown alright. May I humbly request, young 57011, that you make haste and 'Report' this avuncular thread to the attention of the 'Moderators' lest it frit the horses. Light hearted jokes? Damn your eyes, we give such things short shrift hereabouts. Regards Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
coachmann Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Sir, We are at a loss as to why the esteemed Editor assumes everyone is interested in the North Eastern Railway. The September 1899 front cover engraving was a tribute to the well known 5 inch scale model of the 'Sunderland & Seaham Harbour Railway', but it seems the editor just had to give pride of place to his North Eastern Worsdel-von Borries compound 0-6-0. NER locos on the S&SHR....It'll never happen by jove. As for DCC being the drive of the future, we say the Swiss company of Ern Zebidee should stick to making alarm clocks instead of exporting their DCC Dedicated Clockwork Coils to England. We depend on your august publication to keep these inebriants in their place. Springs will never take off. Finally, we trust you will remind Hornblock that their push along 30 years old models such as the Beattie 2-4-0T and Stirling Single are overdue for a retooling. Bachwomann has been using high pressure loco drives for years. As an aside, we must be eternally thankful this company rejected Webb's compounding overtures last year. I remain obstinately yours, General C. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mod2 Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 May I humbly request, young 57011, that you make haste and 'Report' this avuncular thread to the attention of the 'Moderators' lest it frit the horses. Rest assured, Mr 'postrophe Chard, that said Horses and indeed all other manner of creatures of the Neighbourhood be they Equine Quadrupeds or others of a like or similar description have been duly tethered and blinkered. Indeed, the aforementioned Moderators themselves shall verily be turning Ye Proverbial Blind Eye. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwealleans Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 'Pon my Soul, Sir Moderator, there'll be a Shilling for you and a posset of Goose Fat if you'll call at the Kitchen door by and by. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
iL Dottore Posted December 10, 2009 Author Share Posted December 10, 2009 Sir, our solicitors have investigated your character references, and I am pleased to attach their findings below: Libellous Material Removed Sir,You leave me with no option but to transfer my allegiance to Foreign and Colonial Railroad Building and notify my solicitors. I remain, Sir, &tc. &tc. As for DCC being the drive of the future, we say the Swiss company of Ern Zebidee should stick to making alarm clocks instead of exporting their DCC Dedicated Clockwork Coils to England. We depend on your august publication to keep these inebriants in their place. Springs will never take off. Oh I agree Sir, clockwork, no matter how good - even if DCC ("Mutton Dressed As Lamb", methinks) will be swept aside by Gauge 2 and Gauge 3 Enameled Tin-Plate Locomotives running on a 3-rail elektricity system. And as for the NER, surely no Gentleman would ever dream of modelling such a company. Model the GWR, a company run by Gentlemen of the highest calibre!Elektricity - The Future of Model Railway Transport Modelling! I remain, Sir, &tc., &tc. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ian Posted December 10, 2009 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 10, 2009 ..., surely no Gentleman would ever dream of modelling such a company... Indeed no gentleman would ever dream of modelling any such thing. A gentleman would bid one of his servants to acquire, construct and operate the models whilst he observes and directs. A fie on your artisan leanings sir! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pinkmouse Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Sir, We are at a loss as to why the esteemed Editor assumes everyone is interested in the North Eastern Railway. The September 1899 front cover engraving was a tribute to the well known 5 inch scale model of the 'Sunderland & Seaham Harbour Railway', but it seems the editor just had to give pride of place to his North Eastern Worsdel-von Borries compound 0-6-0. NER locos on the S&SHR....It'll never happen by jove. I remain obstinately yours, General C. Sir, as the editorial representative of our esteemed publication, I must take issue with your comments regarding any regional predisposition. If I may may refer the gentleman to our most recent editions, covering The Yarmouth and Norwich Railway, The Chester and Holyhead Railway, and the exceptional folio addendum considering the history and simulation of the billing regime of The Surrey Iron Railway. Perhaps one might suggest that if the esteemed correspondent wishes to read missives appropriate to those lesser railways that consider passenger traffic to be the equal of the the services supporting the "Engine of the Empire" that is the North, than he should peruse the periodicals for the younger gentleman, perhaps Metropolitan Mortimer would appeal to his predilections. Yours Major General, (Indian Corps, Retired), Lord Sir Algernon Crimsworthy. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
60B Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 From the desk of A. S. Phix esq. President of Reynald & Son's, Suppliers of Minature Guage Passenger and Freight vehicles. Sir, I have managed to make contact with Lord A*****. He appears chipper in his New South Wales and is currently deciphering the jargon in "00 monthly" It would seem he is brought out in dry heaves at the thought of such a small scale and will continue working on adapting his 5in guage system he perfected in deepest Berkshire to give some of his sheep exercise as horses are sparse in NSW. But I have it on his authority he is planning obtaining a steam locomotive to enable him to sell his beloved animals to wealthy animal lovers. I also noted a particular female on the farm. I have met the gentleman before and knew immediately it wasn't his wife nor one of his daughters. Without speculating, is he having an extra-martial affair? I am in correspendence with Lord A***** and would be happy to pass on any messages or question. Sincerly A. S. Phix esq. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burkitt Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 PRINTED MAGAZINES ARE OUTDATED TECHNOLOGY STOP TELEGRAPHIC COMMUNICATION IS THE FUTURE STOP I NOW GET ALL MY MODELLING READING FROM MODEL RAILWAY TELEGRAPH NEWS STOP IT IS DELIVERED MONDAYS WEDNESDAYS AND FRIDAYS BY BOY FROM TELEGRAPH OFFICE STOP WITHIN A FEW YEARS ALL MODEL RAILWAY PRESS WILL BE TELEGRAPHIC AND PRINTED MAGAZINES WILL BE NO MORE STOP YOURS ETC MR P H BURKITT-GRAY STOP Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
coachmann Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Ye gods. Since penning a missive to your magazine it has come to light the editorial representative, Major General, (Indian Corps, Retired), Lord Sir Algernon Crimsworthy, is a Fellow of the Knight of Light Greenies along with Salisbury, the British Prime Minister, and a bill has passed through the chamber allowing the North Eastern Railway to absorb the 'Sunderland & Seaham Harbour Railway' in the Year of our Maker, 1900. Talking of minor railways, we feel space could be made in your periodical for Mr.Brunels line even though it cannot make its mind up which gauge to use and all the engines look alike. Oop Yours, Major C. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ian Posted December 10, 2009 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 10, 2009 All this talk of steam locomotion is vexing to those of us who follow the only relaible means of plateway and railway power, the horse. I would humble request that as many skilled artisans as can be spared are devoted at once to the task of creating a minitaure operating replica of these fine beasts. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
60B Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 All this talk of steam locomotion is vexing to those of us who follow the only relaible means of plateway and railway power, the horse. I would humble request that as many skilled artisans as can be spared are devoted at once to the task of creating a minitaure operating replica of these fine beasts. Sir, we already have scale versions of Horses: Shetland Ponies. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
coachmann Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Sir, We agree the Horse Era should not be forgotten, indeed it is timely to remember our heritage at a time when one of our German friends, Herr Rudolf Diesel, has published a book on a thermal engine to replace the steam engine. Perish the thought. It will undoubtedly not progress beyond a box on wheels. Major C, F & G. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
br2975 Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Sun Hill Police Station 10th. inst. To the Superintendent Sir I humbly report that at 7.00pm in the forenoon I attended with much haste the home of Major General, (Indian Corps, Retired), Lord Sir Algernon Crimsworthy, at Forster Square, Belgravia W1. . This was following report of a melodramatic disturbance created by a female member of the house staff found to be in 'the family way' after a liasion 'over the brush' with an underfootman of the same household. . Enquiries by Sergeant Bloodknock of the Irish Special Branch elicited a Fenian influence on the incident, arising out of a plot to electrocute a train loaded with members of the Orange Order this coming July, 12th. assisted by two American symapthisers Finch & Carlisle who escaped capture and as I set pen to paper are believed aboard the steamship " U.S.S. Rendition " outward bound for Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. . Just how one would impart electricity into a railway locomotive and its carriages our forensic colleagues have yet to discover. . An illustrated handbook was recovered from the home of the Major General, and, whilst its scientific content is beyond the mental agility of any officer here at Scotland Yard it is suspected the tome contains much of relevance, and was found alongside the retired gentelman's newly acquired flushing water closet - hidden inside an edition of the copiously illustrated medical journal known hereabouts as "Health and Efficiency". . I shall of course keep you appraised of any developments. . I remain your most humble of servants. . Inspector CORNER (of the Yard) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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