Leaving the Hobby

[BSG75]

Hi Everyone,

 

Well, after 40 years in the Hobby, the time has finally come for me to duck out and give up. I am gutted, but the reality is that losing 4 lots of child benefit has crippled me financially, with increasing train fares and 7 years of frozen wages not helping. Going down the pub - even with my Dad, I don't have any friends - has gone, as have takeaways,  and my car is a 14-year-old landrover. So I don't splurge. The older boys have moved into Army cadets from Scouts, which is good because it is subsidized - a hundred notes for a weekend was getting a bit out of hand. I tried to kill myself at the weekend - I can't let that happen again.

 

I need to start selling my trains before my debts really start getting out of hand. I am gutted, All those times I looked through Brian Haresnapes volumes when I was a kid, wanting to model a down-at-heel Duchess on a fast fitted van train, or a model of "Lion." And now I have them. And now they're going.

 

I know that Child Benefit is an emotive subject - "why should I pay for other people's kids" - but there must have been a better way of doing this change. It's essentially punishing people for going out, spending 4 hours travelling, and working hard to get a job in the higher tax band. Once you deduct a £5,000 season ticket (after tax deductions), we're not all rich. 

 

And now my life is going to be even less rich.

 

 

 

 

[Londontram]

Why not use the money from selling off your stock to build and run a small micro layout like a small industrial shunting plank. that way you can keep in the hobby with very little outlay. go for quality not quantity by super detailing the micro layout. One little 0-4-0 or 0-6-0 and four or five wagons wont cost the earth.

[Corbs]

Please don't try and kill yourself. It would be horrible for those you leave behind.

 

If you need the cash now, that's more important. Remember that you there will always be the chance to buy the same models again in the future. 

[Londontram]

A few people on this forum already know this but 18 months ago I was involved in a serious accident at work which to say the very least was life changing, 10 operations down the line I've already had to loose my left foot and may yet loose the left leg, with that and other complications I'm pretty sure I will never work again. Now registered as disabled and surviving on my dwindling pension and Disability benefits it's a daily struggle but I found while convalescing this forum and the many new friends I've made was literately a life saver. Some people laugh at my bodging on here but I model to within my means but it keeps me connected with the railway scene and I get eminence pleasure from what I do.

   Don't give up there's always other routes you can take and there's always people on here to share them with. Regards Steve

 

Edit - thanks for the support guys but really I'm OK I've come to terms with it and have dealt with the issues

[backofanenvelope]

One who has been through a number of life changes in the last 18 months I can recommend a couple of things 1)Stepchange they will help with debts and money even if you think you know your budget. 2) if it all gets too much, docs, don't try to get through it or give up! they can and will help. Highly recommend the micro layout. And one thing is certain in life... it changes!! Hang in there and here..

[The Stationmaster]

During life many of us go through changes which can affect our incomes and lifestyle - in either direction.  During my working life I had two 'promotions' which hit my income, fortunately when the first occurred I was still single which is probably just as well as my year-on-year dropped by c.40%.  The second time I had a family but fortunately the drop was not so serious but it still meant lifestyle adjustments and reducing what was already minimal hobby spending.

 

As Londontram has said there are ways and means of adjusting your hobby to suit reduced means and anything like that is worth consideration if you really want to stay with our hobby.  And while it might not be of any more value beyond possible sympathy I hold a firm view that those who pay in for such allowances as Child Benefit should not be blocked from receiving it - I'll say no more than that.

[Waverley West]

Please remember there is always hope. Just keep fighting. Keep going. Keep looking for ways to improve your life and turn that corner. What about a career change? House move? Etc. etc. 

 

Like pretty much all of us I expect, I've been through times in my life where I didn't see the point and couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes you just have to live through these times and be determined to pull through and bounce back, even when all seems lost.

 

And, as Corbs says above, don't even think about taking your life again. Even if it does seem an "easy" way out for you, what about those around you - your boys in particular? You owe it to them to stick around. They need you. Their lives would be devastated and you would miss out on the good times that I am sure will return. 

 

Life isn't easy for any of us but it is worth sticking at.

 

Cheers

Dave

 

 

PS As for the trifling matter of railway modelling, what about an incredibly detailed ironing board style layout as suggested above? Seems a pretty darned good idea to me. Sell the stock you don't need. A shunter or even two plus a few wagons will be all you need.

[Robert]

This may sound daft (and maybe even patronising - it's not meant to be) right at the moment, but things will get better.

 

You will need an escape, and a hobby is the best way to achieve that escape.  As others have said, you may need to downsize, but don't abandon the hobby completely.  There are fantastic examples on here of modelling on a non-existent budget.

 

RMweb is an also an incredible resource and the people on here (even though I haven't met the vast majority) helped me through an incredibly difficult part of my life a few years ago.  Whatever you do, don't opt for suicide - get help before you contemplate that again.

 

Take one hour at a time at first, then one day at a time.

[Phil Bullock]

And never forget there are many like minded friends to be found on here.

 

Phil

[PGC]

I sincerely hope this doesn't sound patronising, if it does, apologies.

 

About 12 years ago, in the space of 18 months I went through a very acrimonious divorce, the loss of both parents which also resulted in me having to move house. In the new house I was on my own and I was also being victimised at work so life was not very pleasant. One day I got home and phoned a friend to tell them I can understand why people commit suicide, but personally I am of a very optimistic nature and really don't think I could actually do the deed.

 

Life does change and it can get better. My life shows that. The things that helped me most were the two very close friends I had who were usually at the end of the phone, but mostly Samaritans. I would suggest calling them - I found it a real help when feeling down to be able to talk to an anonymous voice at the end of the phone.

 

Hope that helps, but don't give up. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes you feel as though someone's turned it off, but it will come back on again and one day you'll walk in to it.

 

Phil

[Andy Y]

 I tried to kill myself at the weekend - I can't let that happen again.

 

 

Please don't; as Waverley said it isn't something you'd want to do to the kids nor would they want you to. Even if you are facing that just remember that you can't do it that day. Even if you don't know what to say or how to get past it dial the Samaritans; they know what they're doing better than any of us - 08457 90 90 90

[jjb1970]

I have nothing to add to the wise words of everybody else other than to re-inforce them. There are people out there who can help. Debt counsellors and people who can help to re-schedule or even write off certain debts can be a huge help. People like the Samaritans, don't be ashamed to admit that you need help and use the counseling services that are there exactly to help people. Model railways are a hobby, you never really "leave" a hobby, it just goes into abeyance sometimes, in the greater scheme of things it should not be the central priority of anybody's life and if you go away and turn things around then the hobby will always be here to come back to.

[emt_911]

I can only echo what has already been said.

 

Until 6 months ago I'd gone through enough changes in my life over an 18 month period to consider giving everything up and just disappearing.

 

Being honest with people who knew me, contacting various support networks and more than anything else, communicating with RMWebbers got me through it and life is definitely improving albeit slowly.

 

If you feel that you want to talk, but feel unable to contact the likes of Samaritans, please feel to PM me with contact details and I am more than willing to take as much time to listen as needed 24/7

[Titan]

This may or may not be helpful.  I have wondered what I might do should I feel that I wanted to end it all.  Trouble with killing yourself is there is no reset button.  If it turns out that it was not the best thing to do then its too late to change your mind. The reality is that you don't really want to end your life, you just want a different one, free from your current troubles. And the person in the best position to make it different is you. Giving up the very things which may give you some respite from the rest of the world is not a good idea, you want to focus on the good things in your life and keep doing the things that bring you some happiness.  Get some financial advice, it is more than likely that you may be able to consolidate your debts and pay them off over a longer time reducing your payments and getting some breathing space, without having to resort to selling stuff.  Once you have a plan and a way forward then that will considerably reduce your worries, and that will make a substantial difference to how you feel. 

[108]

Been there. Got the (useless) medal. PM me.

[skipepsi]

Two things be truthful with the children 'we are skint' is easy to understand. if you have an excess of debt and a mortgage look for an IVA which can reduce debt and interest charges. A union or professional association might be able to help. You needn't ask how I know.

[edcayton]

I have also considered the suicide option as my health has declined. I'm not going to for the foreseeable future because whilst I think the kids could cope if I died (they are 27 and 24 now), I don't think they would if I took the DIY option. In any case I'm too much of a coward-or is the ones who do it who are the cowards?

 

Can I suggest that you look in on the Early Risers bit of the forum. They are a very supportive bunch and have helped each other through a lot of crises. Trains are (almost) banned!

 

HtH

 

Ed

[muddys-blues]

Hi BSG, speak to the Samaritans, go see your Doctor they can get you some Counselling, you do need to talk to somebody impartial to your circumstances, at this moment in time you probably feel like you are in a whirlpool being sucked down by life, but please go and talk to somebody, it helps, and slowly but surely once you have confronted the problems bit by bit you will start to climb back up ... and in time you will shudder to yourself of why you even considered it.

 

Please just take a look at your Children, they need there Dad there for them .... it leaves a hell of a mess when people commit suicide, they will spend a lifetime blaming themselves, a Friend of mine did it a couple of years ago and his Family are shattered by it, so many unanswered questions ... please go and get help, for your sakes and everyone else who loves you so dearly.

[BlackRat]

Having had to deal with numerous suicides you realise that it's a permenant solution to a short term problem.

 

There's no coming back.

 

Not sure how you would lose 4 lots of child benefit in one hit, perhaps you need to speak to the people that work in that arena.

 

Most of us have been through hard times, some very hard, but you will come through it.

 

Like some have suggested, cut your cloth and go for a micro layout, a recent and great thread showed what could be achieved for £100, which could be funded by the sale of some of your stock?

 

And what about that Landy.........not the cheapest of cars to run?

 

And judging by the replies.......you have plenty of pals on here.

['CHARD]

On the bus home and in tears of support having read this cry for help.

 

Never give up. If your health gives you a better than evens chance of ten years more then you owe it your children to find a way through this temporary situation.

 

Hobbies count for nought really in the scheme of things. But the fortitude with which we tackle adversity will set the scene for your children's future.

 

Seek professional help. But don't ever, ever give up. You're worth far more than that.

 

Edit: Tell you something - kids would much rather have flawed parents who bear the scars, than no parents who can't share their real life experiences.

[jamie92208]

Having had to support a loved one who was suicidal for several years can I offer a few thoughts.

 

Never feel that suicide is a cowardly act, however when someone who is in a bad place they often think that theya re the main problem and it thus becomes a positive option.

 

As many above have said please try and get some help and talk to people who can help.   Also if possible share with your kids.  They are much more resiliant than most people think and will know that you are hurting and will want to help.  I shared with my kids when my wife was ill and they were quite young.  They all (in their 30 now) tell me that they gretaly appreiated being told the truth at the time.

 

I also went through a bad time some yeas ago and as well as a loving and supportive family and church another great source of help and support was my friends at the Model Railway Club that I belong to.   The more support networks that you can tap into the better.

 

I do hope that you get the help that you need and please keep in touch on the forum.

[laurenceb]

If you did kill yourself your children would blame themselves. A friend of mine took his life in October and the ripples of shock are still widening.As others have said help is out there. Please for your childrens sake.

[Neil]

Suicidal thoughts, feeling that you have no friends and financial worries would be classic symptoms of clinical depression. Please seek help, there are fantastic treatments available, medication, talking therapies or a combination of both. Your GP should be your first port of call, they will be able to help you access whatever treatment and support you need.

[wombatofludham]

I attempted suicide in 2002 and failed.  I lost my career as a consequence and ended up in debt for the first time in my life.  Fortunately, and to this day I don't know why, I sought help from my GP who was on the ball, and by the afternoon of me first seeing my GP I had been assessed by a psychiatric nurse and given a care plan including both therapy and prescription medicine.  After a year I negotiated an early retirement package, eventually sold my house and moved to a smaller place paid for in cash out of the equity and had cleared my debts.

 

Eventually I even got round to building the exhibition layout and did my first big show at RMWeb Live.

 

The point is that seeking help isn't a sign of weakness or inadequacy.  Far from it.  I'm completely open about my past as keeping quiet about it does no-one any good.  The majority of people who go through depression or suicidal impulses respond to medication and therapy, can reset their life and rebuild it.  A small number - and I am one of them - develop treatment resistant depression but even then, the treatment and techniques I was given by my therapy and medication has enabled me to manage my condition.  Depression is no longer the stigmatising condition it was just a few years ago, and all sorts of triggers can cause people to develop anxiety or depressive conditions in all walks of life.  I would urge you to go and see your doctor, and accept any treatment, medicinal or talking therapies, they should offer.  It will take time but once you have stabilised your thoughts you will be able to face your problems, if necessary with the help of others, and rebuild your confidence and wellbeing. 

 

If you had a broken leg, or a life threatening illness, you would see your doctor, and accept any treatments and try everything available to get better.  Depression is an illness just the same, it's invisible and that can sometimes make it difficult for others to see you need help, but it is possible to regain some kind of control over your feelings and life with help, once you take that first big and frightening step to talk to your GP.

 

[totonlover]

I can only agree with the statements already posted,

 

many well put,   Having been both a "victim" of suicide- losing a brother in law and been on the other end of an attempt in my late teens I have unfortunately a lot of experience in this matter.  

 

Just look at the replies on here?  

 

You say you have no friends but obviously THIS community cares for your well being.  We might not be FRIENDS as such but we do care. 

 

This first step is to talk to some-one, anyone even complete strangers like us.

 

I hope you feel better soon, Good luck