Tom D

The Maker of Canada Dry Ginger Ale is in trouble over their slogan "Drink Canada Dry", apparently drunks from around the world have been flying to Canada, as they consider this new slogan to be a personal challenge!!!

Hi Dave, Congratulations on the one million views, thanks for posing your photos, have really enjoyed viewing them. All the best Tom D

A new study aimed at women found the following results..... 10% of women said their ars* was too thin 10% of women said their ars* was too fat 80% of women said their ars* was ok, and wouldn't change him for anything

The new book "Understanding Women Volume 1" has now been released........

Hi David, Have really been enjoying all of the photos you have posted, thanks for taking the time to do this. I noticed that you are getting closer to the millionth visitor, hopefully you have enough photos left to reach that milestone. TomD

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course. A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!' The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?' The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 'Hallo, Mr. Hollande!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy Harland down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!' 'Well Paddy Harland, Hollande replied. How big is your army?' 'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!' Hollande paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.' 'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Hollande asks. 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.' Hollande sighs, amusedly. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.' 'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.' Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!' Hollande was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided,surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!' Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hollande! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.' Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Hollande. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (apparently true story) Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.. The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. You're going to love this....... Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:........... "Defrost the chicken."

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'Hello says the Lab' 'You talk!!?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I didn't like to see you standing there all by yourself!' Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mum?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'are you giving up?' Larry's class were on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photograph of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.’ Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.’ Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mum!’

After all we've heard about the differences between Wenger & Mourinho, I was surprised to see this video clip, perhaps the media has it all wrong........wouldn't be the 1st time https://www.facebook.com/eyefingermedia/videos/988673107838326/

For those who think they are technologically challenged, this video should give you hope, although the commentary is in German, the video says it all. A daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the kitchen. She asks: " Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new iPad we gave you for your birthday?" http://www.snotr.com/embed/8965

A Mother accompanied her teenage daughter to the Doctor’s, as her daughter was plagued with severe vomiting. The Doctor, pronounced that the young woman was pregnant. The Mother, coming from a very strict upbringing was stunned at this news, and when she was able to overcome her shock, immediately began interrogating her daughter, as to the sordid details. The daughter wilted in the face of the Mothers questioning, and swore that she had never committed any sexual acts that could have caused her pregnancy. The Mother, torn between the clinical views of the Doctor that her daughter was pregnant, and the views of her daughter that this could not possibly have happened, turned to the Doctor for reassurance. The Doctor, wise in the ways of the world, and teenage daughters, walked to the window, and stood staring out of it. After quite a long time, the Mother finally asked the Doctor what he was thinking. The Doctor bemusedly said, “Well, the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and I would hate to miss that!”

Just seen this sign outside the local church...... 'and on the 8th day God said, ok Murphy you take over'

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.” The man said “ You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife". The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home". The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. "The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."

A small Island off the coast of Scotland had a population of around 200, their souls were ministered by the resident Vicar, & Priest, who, because the Island was so small, were able to travel the Island efficiently by bicycle. One day, as the Vicar was cycling down the road, he sees the Priest walking toward him. “Where’s your bike?” Asks the Vicar “It’s been stolen!” Replied the Priest “I can’t believe that, said the Vicar, we know everyone on this Island!!” The Priest replies, “When I got up this morning, my bike was gone!” “Well I have a solution for you” said the Vicar, “This Sunday, when you perform your Sermon, preach the 10 commandments, and when you get to the commandment “Thou shalt not Steal”, stop and look around the congregation, the guilty person will be so overcome with guilt, they will be sure to return your bike!” “That’s brilliant!” said the Priest, “I’ll do it!” The next Monday, the Vicar is cycling down the road, and he sees the Priest cycling toward him. “So the sermon worked?” asks the Vicar “In a way it did” replied the Priest “What do you mean, in a way it did?” asks the Vicar The Priest replies, “Well I started to preach the 10 commandments, and when I got to “Thou shalt not commit adultery”, I remembered where I left my bike!”

Redneck Vacation Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" "I'm taking Earlene with me."

Only a farm kid would see it this way! When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.... A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant." The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A trucker, who had been out on the road for three straight weeks, stopped at a brothel outside Vegas. He walked straight up to the Madam, plopped down $500.00 and said, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich. The Madam was astonished. She said, "OK, sir, but do you know that for that kind of money you could have two of my finest ladies, plus a three-course meal??" The trucker replied, "Listen, sweetie. I ain't horny, I'm homesick!"

Sad Story out of Toronto Canada A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Toronto courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.

Mothers....... The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." "Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home.. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?" Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York ." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York ; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come." So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ??" The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor." Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?" Mama says immediately, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?" Mama replies: "I don't like her."

A Doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives we should always finish things we start. Since we could all use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I’d started and hadn”t finished….. I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a boddle of Baileeeys, a butle of wum, the mainder of Valiuminun scriptins an a bux of choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite nuw. Sned thisss to all ur frenz who neeed innner piss, an tel um u luvum!

The Grandfather was charged with looking after his Grandson while the mother was out shopping. Granddad was more than happy to sit in his lounger outside, watching, while his 6 year old Grandson played in the garden. The Grandson managed to locate a rather large earthworm and remove it from its hole. Upon seeing this, the Grandfather quipped “I will give you $10 if you can put the earthworm back into its hole”. The Grandson, was intrigued by this challenge, and more than motivated by the possibility of $10, so after giving some serious thought to the matter, he disappeared inside, only to reappear a few minutes later with his older sisters hairspray. By giving the earthworm a few coats of his sisters’ hairspray the worm became rigid, and the boy easily dropped the rigid worm back into the hole. The Grandfather was very impressed with his Grandsons ingenuity, and forked over the $10. The next day, Granddad was tasked gain with watching over his Grandson, as he went outside, he pulled out his wallet and paid the boy $10. His Grandson was aware that Granddad sometimes forgot things, and being the honest boy that he was, said “Thanks Granddad, but you already paid me yesterday”. Granddad responded, “That’s not from me, its’ from your Grandmother”!