BOARD OF TRADE

I went down to London at the weekend for a bit of a break with "she who will not be contradicted". Amongst other things we went to The National Portrait Gallery,very nice. There was a new portrait of Tony Blair on exhibition. It was an excellent painting but quite spooky really because "the lies followed you all around the room".

We played Bonopoly last night. It's like Monopoly but where the streets have no name.

A scouser is driving along when he notices he is being followed by a police car. The police car follows him for a mile and a half before activating his blues and twos and pulling him over. The officer approaches the car and bends down to speak to the driver when he notices a dog sitting on the front passenger seat with the scouser hitting the dog. He asks him why he is hitting the dog and the scouser replies,"because he's just eaten my bloody tax disc".

They say the Adam's Apple is how you can spot a Transvestite. Personally I think it's b*ll*cks.

Apparently if you type into Google,"Lost servant boy.".....,it comes up "Page not found".

Knock,knock. . "Who's there?" "Dejav." "Dejav who?" Knock,knock.

I was in my local last night and got chatting to this transvestite from Lancashire. He had a Wigan address.

Yes but if the Subjunctive Brothers had come in it is likely that there would have been mayhem.

The French may be in the words of groundskeeper Willie of the Simpsons "cheese eating surrender monkeys" but their Navy are a quite differentmatter. Ready and prepared to go into action at a moments notice. One only needs to look at their Navy's Motto to recognize this,"TO THE WATER,IT IS THE HOUR!"

Saw a builders van being driven with two asian guys in the front.On the side of the van complete with telephone numbers and the name of the firm [professionally done] was the logo,"You've tried the Cowboys,now try the Indians" It looked fabulous.

Fan of the JETS here since 1969,well someone has to be,got the shirt and a few bits,bottle opener lighter etc. Their teams always look great on paper,unfortunately on grass they suck! Ah well,one day perhaps but I've been saying that for over 40 yrs now.

There is a video of one running v well with a rake of coaches on a wooden trestle layout somewhere on youtube.Sorry I cant remember where exactly or give you a link

I may have posted this before so if I have my apologies, Did you know that the brewing process create among other compounds etc female hormones and this is so whether mass produced or real ale{actually real ales usually contain a higher proportion of femaale hormones? Which explains why after 6 pints you start talking sh**e and can't park the car!

Many years ago I was defending a young lad at Court.He was standing trial for unlawful taking of a motor vehicle.I met him at Court and went through the evidence against him which was overwhelming and asked him why he was insistent on standing trial when it was inevitable that he would be found guilty.I pointed out to him as someone who was no stranger to the Courts he must realize this.He said that I simply didn't understand and it was not guilty all the way no matter the obvious outcome.I still coulnt understand his attitude so I again asked him why and pointed out that his mates had all come to Court and said that if I'd noticed the make of car involved I would understand why he couldnt plead guilty in front of his mates.The car was LADA and it would have ruined hus street "cred" to admit taking a LADA...true story.

Ask the farmers and the Countryside lobby.

Last week I had to go to the local Asda and went back to my car with a bottle etc for my wife's birthday.I suffer from emphesyma and I sat there with the empty trolley, my door open and was waiting to get my breath back when a car pulled into the next parking space.The driver got out and walked round her car and asked me if I was o.k. I just said that I was ok and thanks and she suggested that she needed a trolley and was happy to take mine back. Understated kindness,it's the British way.

What goes "Clip clop,clip clop,clip clop,...Bang,bang,bang,..Clipotty clop,clipotty clop,clipotty clop"? An Amish "drive by shooting".

A Chav is walking down the street unhappy with life as usual and sees what he thinks is an old tin can which he "wellies" down the road. Suddenly there is a flash and a cloud of smoke and before him stands a Genie,who says to him "I am the Genie of the Lamp and you have Three Wishes". The Chav abuses him and tells him to get out of his way before he causes him a "serios one". The Genie pesists and says that nevertheless he has Three Wishes and must choose. The Chav says that he wants to be married to a beautiful woman and the Genie tells him that his Wish is granted,and he has Two Wishes left. The Chav replies "Yeah right,so make me Rich then" and the Genie replies that his Wish is granted and he has One Wish left. The Chav then says that the Genie better "do one" as he was getting right peed off with all this,but the Genie simply replies that he wants to know his last Wish. The Chav says he wants to be Royalty and the Genie had better "clear right off",the Genie says that his Wish is granted and all of a sudden there is a cloud of smoke and a flash. The next thing our brave hero knows is that he is waking up.The first thing he sees is a beautiful serene woman lying next to him in bed,hardly believing his eyes he looks around him at the four poster bed festooned in purple velvet trimmed with gold braid and the crystal chandelier.His eyes then focus on a sideboard where a Gold Imperial Crown rests on a sumptuous silk cushion. Beside himself with joy at all his Wishes coming true,he hears a tap on the bedroom door and a voice saying to him, "You must hurry Your Majesty Franz Ferdinand we have to be in Sarajevo in an hour".

What is brown and steaming and comes out of cows backwards? The Isle of Wight Ferry!

There was one I recall but I cannot remember where from.Basically it was a zoo with 00 figures and animals etc with an n gauge loco pulling n gauge passenger carrying trucks asa in a miniature gauge railway around the zoo.I think it also had sound,it looked a very handsome railway indeed.

Did you know that Beer(and indeed all alcohic beverages) contain a high level of female hormones? Which is why,after 8 pints you start talking sh*te and can't park the car !

I like Roy and think he's a good manager and in the Italy game apart from fat boy(who apparently plodded round the pitch further than any other player)we looked sharp and dangerous so why change the formation to accomodate someone who was clearly off the pace and everything else?. Tonight we looked disjointed and clueless in attack,yes lardy a**e got a three yard "tap in" but it takes a rare talent to hit the bar from from all of 6 inches! A supertanker turns quicker than he does and as for ball control a p****d up hippo could wrong foot a defence better than him. After the first game they should have parked him on the beach with a carton of fags,a crate of lager and a half hourly pizza delivery. As for Joe Hart I understand he is to star in Steven Speilberg's new blockbuster,"Saving Absolutely Nothing".

Ask the Farmers with their pesticides,so called "land management" and hedges that are so closely cropped that no bird would ever build a nest there. Oh,sorry I forgot the "Countryside is safe in their hands".

Forthcoming broadcast on BBC1 of "Who do you think you are?" Daved Moyes discovers that his Great Grandfather was Capt.Smith of The Titanic