BOARD OF TRADE

I was sitting at home yesterday when I heard a commotion outside in the road.When I looked out I saw half a dozen men in Man Utd shirts playing football with a cat.I was just about to phone the R.S.P.C.A. when the cat went 1-0 up.

Due to Global Warming I'm afraid that history is going to have to be rewritten. They've just found the body of Captain Oates,..it's just behind the tent in a squatting position with his trousers around his ankles.

Back in the sixties a young scouser decides to hitch hike across America.Heading for the West Coast he gets a lift but the guy can only drive him part way across the Arizona desert,but tells him that there is a peoverbial "one horse" Town a few miles yp yhe road where he might be able to get another ride. The scouser wanders into "town" and goes into the only bar in the place.The bar is deserted apart from the bar tender and an old Injun nursing a beer at the end of the bar.He chats to the barman who tells him that Injun Joe is a memory man and that if he can ask him a question he doesn't know then he will buy him a beer but if he gets it right he has to buy Injun Joe a beer. Now the scouser fancies his chances so he sidles up to Joe and says he'd like to ask him a football question,Joe replies American,Australian Rules,Gaelic,Rugby or Association?The scouser is a bit taken aback but still reckons he can get himself a free beer,Association Football he replies.Then he asks "Which Team won The F.A.Cup in 1965?" Without hesitation Joe replies "Liverpool beat Leeds United." Now the scouser is a bit upset because he has very little money and he had hoped to hustle himself a free beer so he says to Joe,"Double or quits?".Joe agrees,so thinking he can catch Joe out he throws him a trick question,"What was the score?"Again without hesitation Joe replies,"Nil-Nil at full time,2-1 to Liverpool after extra time".Now the scouser is amazed but realising that he won't beat Joe buys him his beers and departs a poorer but a wiser tourist. Thirty or so years later the same scouser is on a fly drive holiday with his wife heading towards Las Vegas when he sees the turn off to the same town,he tells his wife the story and she reluctantly agrees to them stopping.They go into the same bar and he chats to the bartender asking him if he knows what became of Injun Joe.The bartender tells him it's a very sad story and that Joe became a celebrity on TV with his amazing Memory Man skills but he married unwisely,took to drink and ended up penniless after his fame faded and that although in his nineties is still alive and living on a Reservation a few miles away. The scouser begs his wife to go and meet him so she reluctantly agrees.They drive to the Reservation where the scouser asks the Chief if he can meet Joe.The Chief is a bit reluctant because Joe has become a bit of a recluse but the scouser begs him for the chance to chat to Joe and he finally agrees but warns him to treat Joe with great respect and points Joe out to him sitting under a tree fifty yards away.The scouser slowly approaches him thinking about how he can "break the ice" whilst showing respect and decides to greet him in his own language.He stops near Joe and looking down says,"How!".Injun Joe looks up and replies,"Ian St.John with a flying header,and that's another beer you owe me !".

Nice to see that Moyes looks like taking Man Utd.to the same level as Everton,....mid table mediocrity and if his team selection and tactics for the Liverpool game are anything to go by he's swapped "Dogs of War" for "A Dog's Breakfast".

It's the "Swinging Sixties" and Michael Caine is now an international movie star,so he decides to throw a big party at his new penthouse appartment for all the beautiful people and his showbiz friends.Sean Connery,Julie Christie,Mary Quant and Twiggy are in attendance plus several of the Beatles and The Stones and other assorted celebrities and showbiz personalities. Shortly after Jim Morrison and the rest of the Group arrive but within half an hour Michael notices that they are about to leave, so he asks them why only to be told that they they *don't dig the scene".Michael asks them to hang on a minute and he goes and speaks to a beautiful model who then goes into one of the bedrooms with all of the Group. An hour later a beaming Jim Morrison and the rest of the lads emerge with the girl,"great party,Mike",they all say before joining into the swing of things with the other guests. A much relieved Michael Caine mingles with his guests,but noticing the same young model about to disappear into the bedroom with Ringo shouts across the assembled throng,......."Oi...you were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off !"

I might get into trouble but,believe it or not,Max Miller(The Cheeky Chappie) used to tell this joke the length and breadth of the Country in Music Halls.Given that theatres etc. were strictly censored by The Lord Chancellor's Office and closely monitored by local "Watch Committies" goodness knows how he got away with it,any way here goes..., I went to the Dr's and told him I was feeling bad all the time,so he examined me and said I was working too hard and that I needed some peace and quiet with plenty of fresh air. Anyway I decided to go on a walking holiday in Switzerland,lovely it was. So one day i decided to walk up one of the mountains and I was on this path and it went up and up and up,and after an hour or so on one side of me was the mountain and on the other side a sheer drop of hundreds of feet and it got narrower and narrower so after a while that it was only a couple of feet wide and I got to this curve around the side of the mountain when around the corner coming the other way was this beautiful young lady...long blond hair,wonderful body and totally stark naked. Well I didn't know what to do,the path was so narrow and I was on my way up and she was coming down the other way. It was terrible because the path was too narrow for us to pass each other and I just couldnt decide what was the best thing to do,should I block her passage or toss myself off?

Young female blackbird my backside! It's a Norwegian Blue if ever I saw one,absolute masters of disguise they are.

Chocolate and Cream until 1908 when repaints in all over Chocolate started.In 1912 coaching stock was repainted again this time in Crimson Lake until Grouping in 1923 when once again Chocolate and Cream became the order of the day. Hope this helps.

"Songbird" by Christine McVie(Fleetwood Mac),I defy anyone not to cry,either by the lyrics or the sheer beauty of the song,or both.

Liverpool fan myself but the result of the night is Fulham,Top man Roy Hodgson.

Michael Caine throws a party,all of the beautiful people are there,The Beatles,The Stones,Jim Morrison and the boys from the group,Mary Quant,Twiggy the lot.After an hour or so he sees Jim Morrison and the boys leaving,so he goes up to him and asks what's wrong.Jim tells him that it's a 'drag' and they're going.Caine calls over a beautiful groupie and having whispered in her ear she,Jim and the group go off into a bedroom.An hour or so later everyone emerges with big smiles all round and rejoin the party.Some time later Caine sees the groupie in animated conversation with Ringo and decides to keep an eye on the situation.Shortly afterwards he sees Ringo and the groupie about to sneak off into a bedroom and annoyed he shouts over to her,'Oi,you were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!'

Could the spare bogie be used to replace the much criticised Lord of the Isles bogie?

Very much liked the two Blackpool Lion jokes,very subtle and very funny. P.S.In my old football days we played a Cup game against a team called Athletico Support,they were quite good actually,or maybe we just couldn't stop laughing when we discovered that their nickname was "The Trusses",(true story).

No idea how we did or didn't get on today despite seeing my first game in 1965 and following them ever since. It's not about winning or losing or life or death,it's much more important than that, Inspector Clouseau followed by Mr.Bean(itez). Add a couple of cowboys(probably Mongo and the idiot cook from Blazing Saddles)and my cup of joy overfloweth. We have and,and never had,any right to win anything let alone everything but at least we could have gone down down in a proper way with effort and pride. At least we haven't gone down fighting,unless we next get in Rocky Balboa,even he'd know about as much about Liverpool than any of the above. Almost makes David Moyes look good. p.s.I didn't really mean the last bit but I'm so down I can't be bothered to delete it.

White platform edging certainly predates WW2 and I think it became a Board of Trade requirement.I wondered about this myself some time back but never got to the bottom of the subject. Talking about the blackout in WW2 something I have never seen modelled are the white rings painted on the trunks of trees by the roadside.There are more than a few trees around where I live which still faintly bear evidence of this even to this day.

Re arrange this well known phrase or saying;"boat,missed the." This competition is not open to any employee or relative of any employee of Hornby or any associated Company.

Let us spare a thought for Hornby's Project Manager this weekend,it must be a terrible time of year to be looking for a new job!

Whether it's ??145 or ??166 even if it was laser cut from unicorn horn and had real rocking horse **** in the tender I won't be paying that sort of money. Those who wamt to then fair enough it's a personal choice but I think it's way too much.

Ambulance rushes to Jackson's mansion where they find him apparently lifeless on the bed. 1st.Paramedic says,"Right I think we should use C.P.R!" 2cnd.Paramedic says,"No,you're wrong,we should give him oxygen!" 3rd.Paramedic says,"No,thinking about it you're both wrong,what he needs is heart massage!" Jackson looks up and gasps,"Do ya want to be starting something?" P.S.If I get banned for this Coxswain started it!