PGC

So don't any of them lose their footing and fall down the steps (accidentally, of course!) Phil

No, NIMBY!!!!!!!!!! Phil

As an example of what I mean in posting 2628, Tony visited the Barking club when I was a member and took photos of some of the layouts, one of which is the picture below of Marshwood, an O gauge layout. To me, this is so believable because of the addition of the interesting skyline above the railway. I'll let other people decide. Phil PS - I trust Tony doesn't mind me attaching this photo, he took it for a prospective article in BRM, I believe it never appeared but I left the club 10 years ago. If Tony would prefer, I will delete the photo.

As an earlier posting said, opinions on editing photos are personal, and for me, the last photo doesn't work. Even in East Anglia, where big skies are famous, there are items such as trees etc. behind the railway, so having the sky coming right down to the railway all the way across is certainly better than the fence, but my feeling is that it could be made better still. Phil

I don't understand the point of streamlining a Sentinel. It's not as though the steam would get in the drivers eyes at speed, like on an A4. It does look pretty, though - hurry up and release the kit, please, Robert. Phil

This is a very nice build indeed, David. I'm almost finished my build, but it's an old Nu Cast white metal kit that I've "modified" ! It will look all right, but an etched one like yours would be nicer. I look forward to seeing picture once it's painted etc. Phil

Hi Clem Lovely modelling - I am in the process of finishing an all third set. You don't say what material you used for the glazing nor how you did it. Reading between the lines of what you have written, I suspect you cut every window rather than a single strip of glazing material behind the windows, is there a chance you could expand? Not trying to top the list of models that have taken a long time to complete - about 1980 I asked a friend, who specialised in modelling buses, if he would build a Brackenborough bus kit for me. About 5 years ago the kit was returned to me and is still in the same state I gave it to him almost 35 years ago! One day I may get to finish it, but it'snot on my list of priorities. Phil

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apologies if this has been asked before - I did a search and couldn't find anything. Are Kean Maygib products still manufactured, and if they are, how does one get hold of them? I have a Norwich 'phone number, but whenever I try calling it, I get no answer. Thanks in advance for your help. Phil

An ode for those who lie the gadgets! I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife. It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive "It's sixty Kilometers an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five". It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake. It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear And taking this into account, it specifies my gear. I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort? Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed! Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, I could turn the off.

Not sure if this is considered a joke, but it certainly made me burst out laughing. Watch right ot the end. Phil

I went to an all boys school where hockey was played. A mile or so up the road was an all girls school were hockey was also played, so we always had two matches, one at home and one away, against the girls. I only played in one of the games, and how I managed to avoid any broken limbs is beyond me. It's not just the game that's dangerous, it's also the players! Phil

Not by my standards, it's not!!!!!!!!!!!! Phil

The version I heard was: A man and a woman had been married for more than 30 years. On their wedding day, the man put a shoe box under the bed and told his wife that if she truly trusted him, she would never open it, For all of the years they'd been married, the wife had trusted her husband, but on their thirtieth wedding anniversary, curiosity eventually got the better of her and she opened the box. Inside, she found three empty beer cans and a stack of money totalling £95,000. That evening, the couple went for a romantic dinner, and the woman found a very sensitive way of telling her husband what she'd done. He didn't appear upset, so she ventured further and asked what the empty beer cans were for. His reply was that every time he'd been unfaithful, he'd put an empty beer can in the box to remind himself never to be unfaithful again. The woman was quite taken aback by this but still had the composure to say that in view of his appetite for s3x, to be unfaithful just three times in thirty years was quite astounding and totally acceptable to her. The husband was quite touched by this, the meal carried on and a short whiie later the wife asked about the money. The husband replied "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre!"

Be happy when you have two arms and hands There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide so he got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. The first man asked "Why are you so happy anyway?" The second man said, "I'm NOT happy. My ba!ls itch."

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night, so I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears". "How much do you charge?" "Fifty pounds per visit", replied the shrink. "I'll sleep on it", I said. Six months later the shrink met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?", he asked. "Well, fifty pounds a visit, three times a week for a year is £7,800, but a bartender cured me for £10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car." "Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, the shrink said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!”

Grandpa was at a family gathering, with all generations around the table . Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom . When he returned , however, his trousers are wet all over . 'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned children. 'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom so I took it out and started to p*e, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back !'

I have a funny feeling this may be a repeat, or at least some of these have been seen before. If so, apologies, but you're going to see them again!!!!!! FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF THE ENGLISH LANUAGE......... 1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR. 2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. 3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? 4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. 5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE. 6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? 7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP? 8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? 9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? 10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?" 11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? 12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? 13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? 14. WHY DO THE OWNERS LOCK PETROL STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM? 15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED? 16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? 17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT? 18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES? 19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS? 20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? 21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. 22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute) 23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY? 24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? 25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? 26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY? 27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? 28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT? 29. WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HAEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ARSETEROIDS"? 30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? 31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? 32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED? 33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD? 34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY'? THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND!

I fear that this may ring truer for some of us than we dare like to admit! A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Bridgnorth because the waitresses had big busts & wore mini skirts. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Bridgnorth because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Bridgnorth because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Bridgnorth because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Bridgnorth because they had never been there before.

You've got to have a Positive Attitude. On Thursday night he gradually came to. Stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious car accident. She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.” He somehow managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your t!ts, then?” Now that's Positive Attitude!

A cowboy, who had just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I've had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

HELGA'S DIARY OF A HOLIDAY ON A CRUISE SHIP DEAR DIARY - DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, and short sets. Really, really excited. Our local WI group - The Late Bloomers - decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait! ---------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man. ---------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 3 At the pool today. Did some quoits, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive. --------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 4 Won £800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband. ---------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 5 Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me that if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked. ---------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 6 Today I saved 2600 lives. Twice.

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .. There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.' It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning.. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.. A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP!

Yes, it's that time of year to prepare for the return of Little Johnny. Roll on September; if this is how he starts the term, I'm sure he's going to be on fine form for the rest of the year!!! A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?' Little Johnny raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... 'I think the man would have said - 'Well, F*ck Me!! A talking pig!'

Q: So why do elephants paint their testic!es red? A: So they can hide in cherry trees. Q: So what's the loudest noise in the jungle? A: Giraffes eating cherries. Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? A: So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard. Q: Have you ever seen an elephant with the soles of it's feet painted yellow hiding upside down in a bowl of custard? A: Proves it works then!!!!!