Lyme Regis stations, with the funicular railway

By way of two reports in the Lyme Regis Gazette and Herald.

Report in the Lyme Regis Gazette and Herald (1st April, 1899)

By our staff reporter Ronald Waffle.

Grand Opening of The Bridport, Lyme Regis and Axminster Railway (BLR&A)

Today I was privileged to witness a great day in the rich history of our great town of Lyme Regis. A veritable throng of citizens gathered for the grand opening of our newest railway. The newly completed station buildings, and the first train to arrive, were all gaily decorated with ribbons and festooned with the flags of our great nations and Empire Territories.

At the entrance to the station platform, the ribbon was elegantly cut by Lady Bickersydke, the most gracious wife of Lord Bickersydke, the chairman of the BLR&A. The gathered dignitaries then enjoyed a buffet lunch of Mulligatawny Soup, the main course of Jellied Eels, Chips and Gravy, followed by Spotted Dick and Custard, with copious volumes of local cider, During which, Lord Bickersydke made a lengthy speech. During which he announced the plans for many exciting new tourist attractions, including the Northmoor Funicular Railway which will provide a high-speed link between the two railway stations.

Press release of the new railway line (in green), the Northmoor Funicular Railway (in red), linking to the old station and line (in yellow).

Lyme Regis Gazette and Herald (30th February, 1905)

By our staff reporter John Caramel.

The Northmoor Funicular Railway, recently opened by Mr Northmoor himself, has indeed proved to be as popular as Mr Northmoor promised, if not more so. Our resident artist has painstakingly created a highly authentic colourised engraving of the funicular in action.

Some nervous citizens had expressed their concerns about the safety provisions provided on the funicular. Namely, the very steepness of the descent, and the termination of the descent in case of any unforeseen mechanical malfunction. I was reassured all these issues have been considered; the brakes have been carefully designed to utilise the very latest technology with asbestos linings.

Local entrepeneurs have been quick to respond to potential demand in case of over-excited persons of a nervous disposition, alarmed at the rate of descent, who may have an unfortunate accident of nature. The local haberdashery will be offering a most cost-effective and discrete service, exchanging stained undergarments for new ones, at the very reasonable price of tuppance ha’penny. For impecunious members of the public, the local wash-house will offer a “scrub it yourself” facility.

The route of the funicular railway line has also been carefully chosen.

In the unlikely event of a brakes failure, the resident funicular railway engineer assured me that the funicular carriage would come gracefully and safely to a stop on the upward slope from Jericho up to the local cemetery.

I had the temerity to enquire further: “What would happen if it was a high-speed brakes failure?”

The resident funicular railway engineer grimly assured me that there would be such an almighty noise that the walls of Jericho would come tumbling down, and the occupants of the funicular carriage would reach a high-speed terminal end in the cemetery itself.

Footnote

I've been asked : Are Ronald Waffle and John Caramel real names?

Well, I have to confess I borrowed the names from Bob Mortimer, and one of his legendary appearances on "Would I Lie To You". They featured in his tale, apparently true(!), of when he burnt down the family home in Middlesbrough, by (mis)using Standard Fireworks.

Go to YouTube and search for "bob mortimer fireworks".