The Forum Jokes Thread

[cromptonnut]

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theatre, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you are allowed only one seat."

The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir, If you don't move, I'll have to call the manager!" said the usher more loudly. The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.

The cop looked at the reclining man ...and said. "All right, what's your name, joker?"

John " he mumbled.

"And where are you from, John"
"The balcony."

[F-UnitMad]

Ok.... NOW we can gloat... & I apologise for my pessimism following the 2nd Test...

In the light of today's cricket result, I have taken the liberty of repeating some one-liners that I was sent by a cousin who resides down under in Oz, when England last beat them in their own back-yard.  The names have changed, but you get the general idea!

 

WHAT do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube? A laughing stock.The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director? A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day? Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: “You lads can bat.’’ Just as quick, Ponting replied: “No, we can’t. We really can’t.”What do you call an Australian with a ch

ampagne bottle in his hand?  A waiter.Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease? The woman who irons their cricket whites.What’s the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen. Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball? He forgot it was chained to his foot. What is the main function of the Australia coach? To transport the team from the hotel to the ground. On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he’s heading out to the middle. His wife replies: “I’ll hold, he won’t be long!”What’s the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car? Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad? The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.  What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?  Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from. What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?  The entire Australian innings.What’s the Australian version of LBW? Lost, Beaten, Walloped.Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?  Because he can get out without even trying.What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket? A bat.What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ? A vacant lot.What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?  At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

Apologies to our friends down-under![/size]

  

One match victory does not an Ashes Series win.

When... IF England win, then we can have a joke from a position of authority.

Otherwise, this "humour" will turn back & bite.....

[Budgie]

That first joke is inappropriate, because Ricky Ponting is not the Australian captain, and hasn't been for some time. In fact, since Ricky Ponting, Australian captains have been Michael Clarke, Shane Watson and Steve Smith.

 

So if you are going to post some jokes at the expense of the Australians, please make them up-to-date ones.

Edited August 8, 2015 by Budgie

[RJS1977]

What's the difference between the Australian cricket team and Eric Morecambe?

 

Eric had LIttle Ern!

[Arthur]

That first joke is inappropriate, because Ricky Ponting is not the Australian captain, and hasn't been for some time. In fact, since Ricky Ponting, Australian captains have been Michael Clarke, Shane Watson and Steve Smith.So if you are going to post some jokes at the expense of the Australians, please make them up-to-date ones.

Are you being serious?

 

It's just humour and it is pointed out at the start that it's a repeat from some years ago, that the names have now changed, but the sentiment remains the same.

[EHertsGER]

One match victory does not an Ashes Series win.

When... IF England win, then we can have a joke from a position of authority.

Otherwise, this "humour" will turn back & bite.....

...now?

[F-UnitMad]

...now?

See my post #3598, just a few back on the previous page...

[gazmanjack]

Wow, reading all this, you'd easily think that England has never won a game before...It's just that the Aussie cricket team wanted to deprive the paying public at Trent Bridge, the right to see a decent game.    After all, the sooner out the sooner the were beers were to be had !   But on a serious note, the Aussie cricket team were thinking of us down under. We really didn't want to spend the whole night in front of the tele... 

 

Cheers, Gary.

 

ps. A well played game by England. Your lot were on form.

[Stanley Melrose]

As it's Australia time I thought I might inject a bit of culture into this thread . . .

 

A good few years ago I was a middle manager in the Finance Department of a multinational organisation's International headquarters.  We regularly had staff assigned to us from our subsidiary companies throughout the world.  One was an Australian whom I shall call, "Alan" because it was/is his name.  Once he arrived and had settled in I asked him one lunchtime about his background and in particular his early career.  He told us that he had worked for the Australian Inland Revenue and had rapidly been promoted to the rank of Tax Inspector.  One of his first tasks was to visit the addresses of tax payers whose tax returns were considered implausible.  One such was the return of a lady resident in the King's Cross district of Sydney who had given her occupation as chicken farmer.  Alan, clutching his briefcase containing the tax return set off to check this out.

 

Finding the address, he knocked at the door and was surprised when it was opened by a rather attractive scantily attired young lady who asked how she might help.  Alan explained that he was from the Inland Revenue and he had come to check some possible inconsistencies in her tax return.  He was invited to follow the young lady as she led him to a lavishly furnished sitting room and invited him to take a seat.  He sat down on a large soft sofa and she nestled down at his side and once again asked how she could help.  Alan replied that her stated occupation of chicken farmer seemed to him and his colleagues highly improbable given the address and what he had seen so far of her living quarters.

 

"Come with me", she said and led the way across the sitting room to a door which she opened.  Within the room was the largest bed Alan had ever seen, with the covers pulled down to reveal satin sheets with loads of pillows, similarly covered.  Alan nervously looked over her shoulders into the room, held his briefcase across his midriff in case he was betrayed by any untoward emotions and gulped.

 

The young lady turned to him and said sweetly, "On that bed I have raised more c0cks than any other chicken farmer in New South Wales."

[BoD]

I've bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas.

It's not her main present.

Just a stocking filler.

[ELTEL]

Just had a email delivered in my junk mail box asking for a £3 a month donation for fresh water in Blackpool

[RJS1977]

Just had a email delivered in my junk mail box asking for a £3 a month donation for fresh water in Blackpool

 

Obviously a scam. Freshwater's in Pembrokeshire (burial place of Dobby the House Elf!).

Edited August 10, 2015 by RJS1977

[ELTEL]

Or even the I O W

[Bernard Lamb]

                    

 

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

 

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.

 

It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

 

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

 

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he has never able to do the deed.

 

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

" If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

'When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

"If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland.”

 

Bernard

[Tom D]

For those who think they are technologically challenged, this video should give you hope, although the commentary is in German, the video says it all.

 

 

A daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the kitchen.

 

She asks: " Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new iPad we gave you for your birthday?"

 

 

http://www.snotr.com/embed/8965

[shortliner]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

(Or the uncertainty of the English language)
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

 
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and

then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up..

----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah.. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'

------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

..........................................................................

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even
more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[Simon G]

That first joke is inappropriate, because Ricky Ponting is not the Australian captain, and hasn't been for some time. In fact, since Ricky Ponting, Australian captains have been Michael Clarke, Shane Watson and Steve Smith.

 

So if you are going to post some jokes at the expense of the Australians, please make them up-to-date ones.

 

 

Are you being serious?

 

It's just humour and it is pointed out at the start that it's a repeat from some years ago, that the names have now changed, but the sentiment remains the same.

 

As the original poster of the Ricky Ponting "jokes", I did point out in the post that they were from some time ago, and were sent by someone in Australia.  If you wish to be detail correct, Steve Smith was not the captain when I made the post on 11 July. 

 

Thanks to Arthur for his response.

 

As it happens I nearly posted again after England's abject performance at Lords along the lines of 'getting to the Root of the problem, and correcting the Ballance of the team, using Broad bats with more Wood, and getting a Buttler to give Cook a wakeup Bell'.

Edited August 13, 2015 by Simon G

[Pacific231G]

Are you being serious?

 

It's just humour and it is pointed out at the start that it's a repeat from some years ago, that the names have now changed, but the sentiment remains the same.

I hadn't seen them before and I'm still chuckling especially, for some reason, over the OXO cube one. 

[DonB]

BRAINS OF BRITAIN

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:  What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant:  Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman:  No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

 

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:  Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:  Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:  There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:  Leicester

 

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White:  Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:  I don't know.

Stewart White:  I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant:  Arm

Stewart White:  Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:  Strong.

Stewart White:  Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:  Louis

Stewart White:  Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:  Frank Sinatra?

 

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:  France.

Trelinski:  France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:  Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:  Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:  Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski:  Just guess a country then.

Contestant:  Paris.

 

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:  Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: -  Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:  The Conservative Party.

 

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark:  For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:  I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:  What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:  Goosey?

 

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter:  What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant:  I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO?MANCHESTER)

Phil:  What's 11 squared?

Contestant:  I don't know.

Phil:  I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:  Is it five?

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:  Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:  Forrest Gump.

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:  On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:  Er. ... ....

Richard:  He makes bread . . ..

Contestant:  Er .. .......

Richard:  He makes cakes . . ..

Contestant:  Kipling Street?

 

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:  Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:  Barcelona.

Presenter:  I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:  I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:  What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:  The Pacific.

 

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:  Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant:  Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

 

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:  What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:  Magna Carta?

 

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien:  How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:  Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER .. Three?

 

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:  In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller:  Japan.

Chris Searle:  I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller:  Er ....... Mexico ?

 

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat:  How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause):  Fourteen days.

 

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:  In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:  Holland?

Daryl Denham:  Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant:  Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:  No.

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:  What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:  Er... ... ....

Phil Wood:  It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . .

Contestant:  Blimey?

Phil Wood:  Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..

Contestant:  (Silence)

Phil Wood:  OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..

Contestant:  Walked?

 

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes:  What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant:  Nostalgia.

 

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright:  Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:  Jesus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jamiel]

I am not entirely sure who said this, but it really does sound like the late (and absolutely wonderful) Les Dawson. If someone can post the correct quote, and who said it I would be grateful, but to the best of my recollection.....

 

"She had a face that launched a thousand ships, not that she was beautiful, but more that she looked like she had been bashed repeatedly against the side of the QE2."

Edited August 13, 2015 by Jamiel

[Sasquatch]

Mrs. S. asked me to pass her lip balm and I gave her the 2 second cyanoacrylate by mistake. (not hard to do whilst wearing bifocals listening to white reggae, punk oi fusion after several strong Belgian trappist ales).

 

She still isn't talking to me!

[Jamiel]

Edna "I've got terrible trouble with my two dachshunds, my female is on heat, and I can't keep the male away from her."

Hilda "Just put the female upstairs, that should sort it out."

Edna "How will that help?"

Hilda "Have you ever seen a randy male dachshund trying to get upstairs?"

[Catweasel]

Edna "I've got terrible trouble with my two dachshunds, my female is on heat, and I can't keep the male away from her."

 

Hilda "Just put the female upstairs, that should sort it out."

 

Edna "How will that help?"

 

Hilda "Have you ever seen a randy male dachshund trying to get upstairs?"

 

A Folk Singer by the name of Les Barker did a song about just this problem.

[cromptonnut]

A Folk Singer by the name of Les Barker did a song about just this problem.

 

Indeed he did.

[Thorness]

It all began with an iPhone.

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

I explained that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. (This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.)

I should be out of the hospital next week.