shortliner Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 TGIF I couldn't resist even though it isn't Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Q: What do you call a punk-rock gardener? A: Joe Strimmer! steve Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to join her, he replied, 'It's Lent.' In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bernard Lamb Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 A number of UK Banks have banded together to express their gratitude to the British people for helping them out in their time of need. They have commissioned a limited edition commemorative pencil sharpener which will be offered to selected customers in gratitude for the billions of pounds profit they got out of us last year. It's designed to remind us of the friendly and, even intimate relationship the banks have built up with the British public. Bernard Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
62613 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Then there was the dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap on his head.................. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sailor Charon Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 [Monty Python] That's not an anagram, that's a spoonerism. [/Monty Python] [And yes, it did make me laugh] Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
St. Simon Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Hi, My dad used to refuse to commute, that's why he was fired as a train driver! Simon 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sailor Charon Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I used to be a stenographer, but then I thought, "Hey, I'm not going to be dictated to..." 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 During World War II, one of the least well known yet most effective weapons deployed by the Allies in the Battle of the Atlantic was the Green Paint Discharger. When a convoy escort vessel suspected that a U-boat was lurking below the waves, it would execute a search pattern over the area while discharging oil-based green paint over the stern to cover the water surface. When the U-boat came to periscope depth to reconnoitre, the periscope was coated with green paint, and its commander, thinking that he was still under the surface, continued to rise. The Allied ship waited until the U-boat got to 500 feet, then shot it down with its anti-aircraft guns. Not a lot of people know that... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gdaysydney Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Borrowed from another forum - a cartoon about model railways Model trains 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidB-AU Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 It was bound to happen... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 It was bound to happen... Eh? steve (baffled) 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidB-AU Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 The US military operation against Libya is called Operation Odyssey Dawn. Several comedians have said the name sounds like a Yes album. Cheers David 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Ah! Thanks David. All clear now. steve Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Taz Posted March 30, 2011 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 30, 2011 A policeman with a sniffer dog came up to me the other day and said "my dog tells me you're on drugs" "Me!" I said, "you're the one with the talking dog!!" 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted April 5, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 5, 2011 A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg. test line. It's a good all around combination,and it's on sale this week for £44." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor."Oh, that sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?" "The Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted April 5, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 5, 2011 A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest asked. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment..... 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.' 'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying... Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them... After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence... Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered! 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted April 13, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 13, 2011 I went for a walk around the cemetery today I saw four undertakers walking about with a coffin they were still there three hours later Hello I thought - they've lost the plot..... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted April 13, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 13, 2011 A plea from the nice people at Screwfix Customer Services "Our web-site shows a tool catalogue - not a dating agency" !!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted April 14, 2011 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 14, 2011 I went to the cash point today the lady infront asked me to help her check her balance I gave her a good shove and she fell over! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 Hi, Another Airline one: Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg ............................................................................................................................................................................................... ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. ....................... Simon I think I found these jokes a bit funnier when you posted all the same ones back in October last year, Simon... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Highlandman Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded " i have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home. " Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Highlandman Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out! "Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window! " The bartender does nothing. So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again. "Jesus! He just jumped again! " The bartender ignores the man. So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink. "How did you survive that jump? ".. "I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float. " So the guy quickly orders a 'floatie' drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and... SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk! The Bartender then say s, "You know, Superman...you can be a real jerk when you're drunk. " 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
St. Simon Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 I think I found these jokes a bit funnier when you posted all the same ones back in October last year, Simon... Hi, oh, did I, opps, sorry! I thought I hadn't posted them! Simon EDIT: Now deleted, see page 9, got to think of a joke to replace them! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 Some years ago, an Edinburgh man phoned his wife from London to tell her that he'd finished his business and that he'd go for a meal and catch a show before getting the sleeper home. She said that was fine, but would he mind buying her a travel ironing board she'd seen advertised which could fold up into a suitcase. This he promised to do before going on to enjoy his evening. Later he arrived at the station just in time to catch his train and was pointed to the last remaining berth. Carefully undressing in the dark so as not to disturb the other travellers, he climbed to the top berth and was surprised to find the berth opposite occupied by a woman. "Oh, I do beg your pardon", he whispered. "That's quite all right," she replied, "there was a mix up with the bookings and the two gentlemen in the lower berths kindly waited in the corridor while I got into bed." They carried on a whispered conversation which grew more intimate, and the emboldened businessman suggested that they could talk more freely if he came across to her berth. "Oh, that would be nice", she simpered, "but how will you get across without disturbing the other two gentlemen?" "Well, he said, I just happen to have something here that, when it's ready, will stretch all the way from my berth to yours..." At that a voice from down below expostulated: "Well !! - I don't believe it - and anyway, how is he going to get back afterwards?!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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