The Forum Jokes Thread

[CameronL]

A famous ophthalmic surgeon was due to retire, so his colleagues decided to get him a special present - a portrait of himself. One of their number visited a local painter to explain what they wanted. "It's a bit unusual," he said. "We'd like his face painted in the pupil of an eye, to show what a contribution he's made to the field of ophthalmology."

 

The painter burst out laughing.

 

"What's so funny?" the doctor asked aggrieved. "We thought it was a lovely idea." 

 

"It is," replied the painter. "It's just lucky that he isn't a gynaecologist."

[Dave Hunt]

50 minutes ago, jcredfer said:

 

I got a {very polite and quiet} telling off, by the Group Captain, for having very long hair, whilst running a Test Team which tried to infiltrate RAF Units, in order to check their security.  He said that he understood that from time to time, we would use civilian attire for the work and longer hair was acceptable - but - hair well past the collar all round, was pushing it.   I got my hair cut!

 

 

My Squadron boss in Germany in the early 70s once sent for me to attend his office. When I went in he held out a ten mark note so I asked him what it was for. "Well David," he said, "You're obviously too poor to afford a haircut." I took the hint.

 

Dave

[Welchester]

39 minutes ago, Dave Hunt said:

 

My Squadron boss in Germany in the early 70s once sent for me to attend his office. When I went in he held out a ten mark note so I asked him what it was for. "Well David," he said, "You're obviously too poor to afford a haircut." I took the hint.

 

Dave

 

Someone I know was given a birthday present by his employer. He unwrapped it and exclaimed, 'It's a bar of Lifebuoy soap!' 'Yes,' replied the boss, 'you smell.'

[CameronL]

For a long time there has been a campaign to have a "Groan" among the "Like" options. It's here now, well-used and I've been the proud recipient of a few. 

 

But using it causes me problems. I've had more than one terse message from the forum moderator warning me about misuse of it.

 

Mind you, it was the forum moderator of "DCC Help & Questions".

[Allegheny1600]

On 18/10/2020 at 22:11, jcredfer said:

 

My better half has this belief that she wants to go into the wilds to meet real bears.

 

True story here!

When I was a nipper, my parents and I used to winter in Morocco and one year, my rather posh aunt & uncle came with us (in camper vans).

The place we stayed at most regularly was called 'Massa' - this was an area where a river had been dammed several miles upstream, the Atlantic ocean had thrown a sandbar across the river mouth, dunes sprang up and it was a decent nature reserve.

My dad and uncle used to sail downstream most days and sometimes the women would walk the two miles from the campsite.

One day, we ferried mum and my aunt across the river and they walked down the rather wilder side of the river and as they were getting into the dunes, a lynx came running towards them.

My mum was petrified and started yelling and banging the ground with her walking stick but my aunt went forward to "meet" this completely wild animal that is a smaller big cat but still a big cat!

Fortunately, the animal thought better of the encounter and ran away, when later questioned about her actions, my aunt replied "oh, it wouldn't attack me, I'm British"!

 

[Steamport Southport]

6 hours ago, Dave Hunt said:

My great nephew tells me it is fashionable not to wear socks.

 

Dave

 

Depends on what else you are wearing.

 

Socks with trainers has become a no no over the last few years.

 

Sock with sandals should be punishable by putting in the stocks and tickling the feet. Serial offenders will have longer amounts of tickling.

 

 

[APOLLO]

 

Brit15

[The Johnster]

57 minutes ago, Allegheny1600 said:

"oh, it wouldn't attack me, I'm British"!

 

Storms in channel, continent isolated, dammit Carruthers, it's the white man's grave I tell you...

 

Sometime, I miss the Empire!  I miss BOAC, royal blue livery, big silver bird him wing no flap him fly, gaze at the heavens in wonder benighted savages, this is the BRITISH dammit overseas airways corporation, suck on that, Panam, your mere company!  We are so effortlessly superior that we are the only people to have Royal Navy or Air Forces that don't have to explain what country they're from, we even paint targets on the planes to even the playing field for johnny foreigner, in the right spots, over the fuel tanks and the control cables, and we still kicked your fat Nazi arse Hermann, oh, and try to turn up on time for the next World War American inferior colonials, we might need our arses saving a bit sooner next time.  

 

True story; in 1966, when I was 14, we had a family touring/camping holiday on the mainland of Europe, a month taking in France, Switzerland, Italy (2 weeks on the beach at Lido de Jesolo), Austria, Germany, and Belgium.  Great holiday, fantastic experiences, massive fun, learned loads, cabbed a Kriegslok in Bonn and paced a Crocodile through the Rhone Valley in Switzerland.  

 

We'd camped overnight at Cortina D'Ampezzo in the Italian Dolomites to start the journey home, and were to cross the Brenner Pass the next day.  Now, this was a problem for mother, whose experience of Alpine passes was limited to the Simplon on the way out, which had absolutely terrified her with the awesome 7.000' drops ([look, mum, the Matterhorn' 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO leave me alone'), and knew about the Brenner from the war, and the fighting as the Germans retreated from Italy across it.  She was, not far short of in panic about the prospect of another wild mountain passage, and curled herself up in the back seat in a sleeping bag with instructions to wake her up in Innsbruck.  

 

If you've ever gone over the Brenner, now with an Autostrada/Autobahn all the way and some spectacular bridges but still a two lane one each way road in 1966; they just were starting to build the Autostrada, you'll know that it's not that bad, the mountains are more like crossing the Beacons which mum was well used to and unbothered by, it's a gentle rise to the pass and not much steeper down the Austrian side.  But the traffic queue for the border post was monumental; you'd have thought the Wehrmacht were still blocking it at the top.  We'd resigned ourselves to a couple of hours at least, Customs is Customs and there's nothing you can do about it, the line of lorries, caravans, motorhomes, tent trailers, and tourist cars stetched ahead as far as the eye could see and I got out and made friends with a lad in a Hillman Minx from Birmingham who had tales to tell of Kings and Snow Hill.  

 

Now, a word about the car.  Father had sensible decided that he family Ford Prefect was not up to the rigours of this trip, and had traded it in for a rather magnificent Riley 2.6 saloon, leather seats, front bench. stick shift, stereo valve radio (1966, remember), front discs, twin ohc, 6 cylinders, 100 all day on a motorway no sweat, a clock (father's pride and joy, and proof in his opinion that this was a proper posh car,, and a proper radiator grille; it 'looked' the part.  A Carabineri came along the opposite direction on a killer green Moto Guzzi, and slowed down to give us the once over.  He then had a radio conversation with someone, turned around, signalled to us to follow him, and escorted the British people in the VIP car up the wrong side of the Brenner road, blue lights and sirens, waving opposing traffic out of the way while mother sat up and imperiously Queenwaved at them.  When the border was reached, the gate was opened for us and both Italian and Austrian guards standing at attention saluting.  Then an Austrian biker cop on a BMW did the same to Innsbruck.

 

That's right, johnny foreigner, and don't forget it.  The empire upon which the sun was always setting, the White Man's Burden.  Actually, I don't miss it that much, really.

 

 

[BoD]

8 hours ago, Dave Hunt said:

 

My Squadron boss in Germany in the early 70s once sent for me to attend his office. When I went in he held out a ten mark note so I asked him what it was for. "Well David," he said, "You're obviously too poor to afford a haircut." I took the hint.....

Did you take the ten mark note too?

[Baby Deltic]

I know its in bad taste, but.....

 

[luckymucklebackit]

22 minutes ago, Baby Deltic said:

I know its in bad taste, but.....

 

 

https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/12979915/harry-meghan-wild-bear-california-mansion/

 

Not enough jewellery on the fingers and wrist.

[Dave Hunt]

13 hours ago, BoD said:

Did you take the ten mark note too?

 

Err, no. I may have been a bit of a rebel but not really stupid with it 

 

Dave

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[luckymucklebackit]

One of members doing a bit of movie work??

 

[Obi-Jiff Kenobi]

2 minutes ago, Baby Deltic said:

I never take a sh... I prefer to give them away.

[Colin_McLeod]

THE NEW BABY
With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. 'May we see the new baby?'one of them asked.
'Not yet,' said the mother. 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Another half hour passed before another relative asked, 'May we see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked, 'May we see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked, 'Well, when can we see the baby?'
'When it cries!' she told them.
'When it cries?' they gasped. 'Why do we have to wait until it cries?'
'Because, I forgot where I put it.'

[CameronL]

5 hours ago, Baby Deltic said:

Does this mean that Scotty saw the Captain's log?

[Baby Deltic]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]

[PhilJ W]