The Forum Jokes Thread

[Baby Deltic]

[CameronL]

This is an old one, but I’ve searched diligently and not found it in the Jokes thread or Things That Make You :), so here goes –

 

One Saturday morning a married couple woke up, and the wife went to the window to open the curtains.

“You won’t believe this,” she said to her husband. “There’s a gorilla up the tree in the front garden!”

“Pull the other one,” he replied. “It’s not the first of April.”

“Come and look,” she said, rather tersely.

So the husband got out of bed and went to the window.

“You’re right,” he said. “What’s it doing there?”

“Never mind what IT’S doing,” she said, even more tersely. “What are YOU doing?”

“What do you mean, ‘What am I doing?’?”

“Well, you’re the man of the house.”

“Hang on,” he said. “Putting shelves up - fine, rewiring plugs – no problem, car maintenance – count me in.  Large savage primates in trees – not in the job description.”

“Well, we can’t just leave it there. It clashes with the garden gnomes.”

 

So the husband did what any red-blooded man would do in such a situation.

 

He Googled gorilla catchers.

 

Funnily enough, there was only one in the local area – “Robinson and Jones, Gorilla Catchers”. He rang them and spoke to the secretary, who said she’d get someone round as soon as she could, but she couldn’t say when that would be as it was a busy time of year for them. The husband  agreed to stay in all day and wait. (He turned  down the “Buy One, Get One Half Price” offer and the loyalty card).

 

Later in the day, with the gorilla still sitting quietly in the tree, a white van pulled up outside the house and a small, wizened, bowlegged old man got out.

 

The husband ran down the path to  him. “Are you Robinson and Jones?” he asked.

“Not quite,” the man replied. “Robinson couldn’t come. He’s on another job. Maybe you’ve been told it’s a busy time of year for us. So you’ve just got me. I’m Jones.”

“I don’t care,” the husband replied. “As long as you get this gorilla out of our tree.”

“Well…. there’s a problem about that,” Jones replied. “It’s normally a two man job, but we’ll be OK if you can help me.”

“I’m not sure about that,” the husband said. “Don’t you need special training?”

“You’ll be fine,” said Jones. Hang on, I’ll get me kit.”

 

He went round to the back of the van and got out a pitchfork, a shotgun, a pair of handcuffs and a Jack Russell Terrier.

 

“OK, here’s what we do,” he said. “You wait at the bottom of the tree with the shotgun, the handcuffs and the dog. I’ll go up the tree with the pitchfork and stick it up the gorilla’s  backside. Now, gorillas  are very sensitive animals and don’t like pain, and the shock of that will make the gorilla  fall out of the tree  and hit the ground with a sickening thud, hopefully stunning it a bit.”

“What do I do then?” asked the husband.

“Nothing,” replied Jones. “This is where the dog comes in. Very highly-trained dog, that one. When he sees the gorilla hit the ground and lie there stunned he’ll rush in and bite it in the b4lls. Now, as I have previously said, gorillas are very sensitive animals and don’t like pain, so when the dog latches on the gorilla will clutch himself with both hands. NOW you do your bit. When the gorillas hands are down there get the handcuffs on his wrists and we’ve got him.”

“It seems pretty straightforward,” said the  husband. “What’s the  shotgun for? Is that in case the gorilla turns nasty?”

“No,” said Jones. “That’s for if  I fall out of the tree. Shoot the bl00dy dog!”

[Compound2632]

Ars longa, vita brevis.

[Baby Deltic]

Hi 

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[Baby Deltic]

[pH]

1 hour ago, Baby Deltic said:

We had a meal with extended family at a restaurant in Cornwall (I have forgotten where) where the biggest table, which we were given, was a round table. While waiting for our meals we had a game of naming knights by characteristics. A few I can remember:

The fat knight - Sir Cumference

The knight in charge of tournaments - Sir Prize

The cowardly knight - Sir Render

The knight who joined the round table by chance - Sir Endipity

The weird knight - Sir Real

The cautious knight - Sir Cumspect

The profane knight - Sir Cuss

The spare knight - Sir Plus

The knight who wore makeup - Sir Face

 

etc, etc ...

[Baby Deltic]

[AndrewC]

8 hours ago, pH said:

We had a meal with extended family at a restaurant in Cornwall (I have forgotten where) where the biggest table, which we were given, was a round table. While waiting for our meals we had a game of naming knights by characteristics. A few I can remember:

The fat knight - Sir Cumference

The knight in charge of tournaments - Sir Prize

The cowardly knight - Sir Render

The knight who joined the round table by chance - Sir Endipity

The weird knight - Sir Real

The cautious knight - Sir Cumspect

The profane knight - Sir Cuss

The spare knight - Sir Plus

The knight who wore makeup - Sir Face

 

etc, etc ...

Don't forget their chef, Sir loin of beef. 

[PaulRhB]

8 hours ago, pH said:

We had a meal with extended family at a restaurant in Cornwall (I have forgotten where) where the biggest table, which we were given, was a round table. While waiting for our meals we had a game of naming knights by characteristics. A few I can remember:

The fat knight - Sir Cumference

The knight in charge of tournaments - Sir Prize

The cowardly knight - Sir Render

The knight who joined the round table by chance - Sir Endipity

The weird knight - Sir Real

The cautious knight - Sir Cumspect

The profane knight - Sir Cuss

The spare knight - Sir Plus

The knight who wore makeup - Sir Face

 

etc, etc ...

Oh we came up with a full ‘Round Table Class’ many years ago

 

[Baby Deltic]

[Stanley Melrose]

36 minutes ago, PaulRhB said:

Oh we came up with a full ‘Round Table Class’ many years ago

 

You forgot the gallant Sir Bastepol who led the Charge of the Light Brigade in the Crimean War . . . 

[KeithMacdonald]

1 minute ago, Stanley Melrose said:

You forgot the gallant Sir Bastepol who led the Charge of the Light Brigade in the Crimean War . . . 

 

And Sir Cumcision

[eastglosmog]

7 minutes ago, Stanley Melrose said:

You forgot the gallant Sir Bastepol who led the Charge of the Light Brigade in the Crimean War . . . 

And not forgetting Sir Tax, to pay for it all.

[Baby Deltic]

1 hour ago, eastglosmog said:

And not forgetting Sir Tax, to pay for it all.

Wasn’t that Sir Charge?

[Baby Deltic]

1 hour ago, KeithMacdonald said:

 

And Sir Cumcision

He was too busy collecting tips apparently.

[Baby Deltic]

[CameronL]

2 hours ago, Stanley Melrose said:

You forgot the gallant Sir Bastepol who led the Charge of the Light Brigade in the Crimean War . . . 

And the inventor of an electrical safety device -

 

Sir Kitt Breaker

[petethemole]

And Sir Lee, the grumpy knight.