The Forum Jokes Thread

[CKPR]

8 hours ago, Titan said:

no, Just Castles and Warships, that's hall, anything else would just be bad manors.

That's the best GWR locomotive pun, barnum.

[Titan]

Is this the page for subtitles?  

[Steamport Southport]

23 minutes ago, CKPR said:

That's the best GWR locomotive pun, barnum.

 

That's because he's both a Saint and a Star.

 

 

[KeithMacdonald]

28 minutes ago, CKPR said:

That's the best GWR locomotive pun, barnum.

 

Barnum circus? No wonder there are so many clowns here!

 

[pH]

14 minutes ago, Titan said:

Is this the page for subtitles?  

Why do you want to know?

 

(And who told you it was?)

[J. S. Bach]

Somewhere I have a OO scale MANOR Class (Bachmann?) that, if I can find it, I will change the name to DUNGFIELD MANOR.

Edited August 17, 2023 by J. S. Bach

[KeithMacdonald]

A set of jump-leads walk into a bar.

The Barman turns to them and says

"You better not start anything in here"

[The Johnster]

Piece of string goes into a bar.

 

Barman says 'get out, we don't serve string in here'.

 

Another piece of string goes into the bar.

 

Barman says 'look, I told your mate and I'm telling you, get out, we don't serve pieces of string here'.

 

Another piece of string goes into the bar, this one's all twisted up and ragged, bit of a mess. 

 

Barman looks at him and says 'You're a piece of string, aren't you?'.

 

The messed up piece of string says 'No, I'm a frayed knot!'.

 

 

Taxi?

[CameronL]

A pork pie walked into a bar and said: "Can I have a pint of bitter please?" 

 

The barman replied: "Sorry, we don't serve food."

 

Then a packet of dry-roast nuts walked in and asked for a pint of lager.

 

The barman pulled it for him. 

 

The pork pie said: "You told me you don't serve food!"

 

"We don't," replied the barman. "Just bar snacks."

Edited August 18, 2023 by CameronL
Added a bit

[Titan]

21 hours ago, pH said:

 

(And who told you it was?)

The BBC ... See Facts (Ceefax)... ring any bells?

Edited August 18, 2023 by Titan

[Bernard Lamb]

[exmoordave]

Bought 2 litres of Tippex today. Huge mistake...........

[exmoordave]

My friend just died, doing what he loved..... surprising tigers...

[exmoordave]

A Welsh lady has just finished renovating our bathroom. Can't remember her name but she's a bonnie tiler......

[KeithMacdonald]

Speaking of puns...

 

A scientist spent a lifetime studying the Sargasso Sea and the weed of the same name. He retired to a small farm on the south coast of the Isle of Wight, down on the shore as near to the sea as he could get, and named it for his pet subject.

It was in the paper:
"Sargassum is the lowest farm of Wight".

 

[KeithMacdonald]

A friend was telling me about an article in Fishing News.

 

The Japanese had done a lot of research into why monofil nylon becomes white and opaque. The essence was that stray current from the boat in the line was causing by electrolysis the deposition of sediments onto the line, much of which was precious metals.

Surely I had seen the Fishing News headline?
"Every line has a silver clouding"

[KeithMacdonald]

Another fishy tale.

 

Two fiishing boats in St Ives, the Sweet Promise, and the Kestrel, regularly leave in the early hours of the morning, before dawn. But the lights and noise was upsetting holidaymakers who didn't expect that. The local paper had picked up the story, but nobody what quite sure which boat was worse.

They couldn't establish whether it was the Sweet Promise, or Kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.

 

[The Johnster]

Country lane walks into a bar and buys a beer. 

 

Few minutes later, main road walks in, and buys a beer; country lane looks a bit nervous of the big fella and sits at a table in the corner.

 

Then motorway comes in and buys a beer, prompting main road to go and sit in the corner by country lane.

 

Then, a thin little strip of tarmac about half country lane's size comes in and buys a beer, and motorway immediately backs away from the bar and goes and sits with the others in the corner.  'Surely you can't be frightened of that little squirt', they say, 'you're a 6-lane motorway, king of all roadways, our hero'.  Motorway says 'thanks for the vote of confidence lad, but I'm terrified of him.  He's a bit of a cyclepath...'.

[The Johnster]

New barkeep in one of Dodge City's roughest saloons, only a kid, bit nervous on his first day.  The boss tells him not to worry, just keep the whisky coming and there's a baseball bat under the bar if you need to knock heads about.  Job's going ok for a few hours, then a cowboy comes in and says, 'quick, everybody, run fer yer lives, Big Jake's a'comin' ter town!'.  The card players scatter, the girls go upstairs and bar their bedroom doors, the piano player climbs inside his piano.  Barkeep asks the cowboy what he should do, and cowboy says 'you stay put, son, cus when Big Jake comes ter town, Big Jake likes ter drink' , then the cowboy scarpers as well.

 

Few minutes later, a dust cloud appears along the trail, gets bigger, and the meanest looking, biggest, nastiest, most f-off looking mountain man comes up the main drag, riding a grizzly bear and whipping it with a rattlesnake.  Festooned with guns, knives, knuckedusters, and a big stick, he pulls up outside the saloon, gets off the grizzly, knocks it senseless with a single punch, bites the head off the rattler and spits it out, and strides into the saloon, ripping the doors off their hinges.  'Whisky, barkeep', he says.

 

'Y-yes sir at once s-sir, take the bottle, on th-the house' the poor kid splurts out.  The mountain man bites the top off the bottle and necks the contents.  'Another, sir?' asks the kid,  'Nope, I'd better be a'moseying along jest about now.  Yer see, Big Jake's a'comin' ter town'...

[Al51]

Working at the Jobcentre has to be the worst job, knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

[CameronL]

30 minutes ago, Al51 said:

Working at the Jobcentre has to be the worst job, knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

Same if you're a human cannonball.

[exmoordave]

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left becuase it was one ting after another.....

[Leicester Thumper]

An enterprising modeller goes to the model shop.

 

"Hello, I'd like a model of an LNER A3 please"

 

"Certainly sir, which name would you like?"

 

"I don't know actually, sorry I can't be more pacific..."

[Leicester Thumper]

If Richard Deeley was a cowboy, he'd have a Flatiron on his hip....

[fulton]

5 hours ago, Al51 said:

Working at the Jobcentre has to be the worst job, knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

I was the other way round, was signing on at my local Jobcentre, then retrained for security, first job was back on the door of my old Jobcentre! suited me for the few years until I retired.