The Forum Jokes Thread

[chris p bacon]

Nor does there appear to be a business named "The Irish Railway Company". If you want people to take your jokes seriously, you really must check your facts!

 

I just accept jokes like these as an amusing piece of wordplay, I didn't realise they all had to be factually correct.

 

I thought it was amusing.

[bluebottle]

I just accept jokes like these as an amusing piece of wordplay, I didn't realise they all had to be factually correct.

 

I thought it was amusing.

 

Seriously, I didn't expect my post to be taken seriously.

[John_Hughes]

The position of my tongue - firmly in my cheek - was clearly not apparent!

[Colin_McLeod]

Nor does there appear to be a business named "The Irish Railway Company". If you want people to take your jokes seriously, you really must check your facts!

 

But that's the very essence of why Irish Jokes are stupid!!

 

 

 

So the foreigners can understand them!!

 

 

(Ducks for cover)

[BoD]

Did you hear the one about the Irishman, Welshman, Yorkshireman and Bedfordshireman ........................

[kandc_au]

Did you hear the one about the Irishman, Welshman, Yorkshireman and Bedfordshireman ........................

 

No!

[BoD]

A man goes to his psychiatrist and complains about a recurring dream of drowning in an ocean of orange pop.

"It's ok", replies the psyciatrist. "It's just a Fanta sea"

[2A-Rail]

After finishing 10 pints I was dangerously weaving in the middle of the road. I thought, "It'd probably be safer to make this cane chair at home."

 

Johnny

Edited November 2, 2012 by 2A-Rail

[Guest]

FOLK WISDOM

 

1. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear

bright until you hear them speak.

 

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

 

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

 

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

 

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting

something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

 

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end,

someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

 

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

 

11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by

those who got there first.

 

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and

he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

 

13. Flash light: A case for holding dead batteries.

 

14 . The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

 

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of

twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

Haha this is brilliant!!!

[QRModeller]

A drill sergeant was inspecting his regiment,

 

"Jones," he calls out to one of the men, "I didn't see you at camouflage training earlier!"

 

"Thank-you sir!"

 

 

 

Matt.

[Richard_S]

My wife didn't believe I could make myself invisible. If only she could see me now.

[Guest]

I used to be indecisive... now I'm not so sure.

[PLD]

FOLK WISDOM

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Haha this is brilliant!!!

 

Quoting a three year old post?

 

Guess you've just proved no 3!

[HitchinLoco]

Two guys go for a job interview back in the early 60s

First guy goes in and notice straight away the boss has no ears so after a few questions, the boss says do you notice any thing different about me?

He said yes you have no ears!! The boss said ok disapointed, send the next person in please!

So as he went out he said to the other guy whatever you do do not mention about the boss's lack off ears, he is very sensitive.

The second guy goes in and again after a few question's from the boss, he is asked the same question about anything different?

Quickly the guy said yes you must have very good eye sight, Well thats very discerning of you the boss says, why do you think that?

Well you cannot wear glasses can you!!!!!

 

Sorry if it is a repeat...

[Guest]

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door...

[iL Dottore]

When I get 'round to it, I'm going to join the procastinator's club...

 

I was self-employed, but I couldn't stand the boss...

 

I had a terrible fight today with Mrs iD, she said she wished I was dead; well, said I, I might just kill myself to get away from you. Good, she replied, I'm going dance on your grave. Be my guest, said I, I'm being buried at sea...

 

Friday evening I didn't drink enough water when taking my Viagra tablet and it got stuck in my throat, I had a stiff neck all night...

 

Speaking of Viagra, last night my girlfriend made us a carrot, oyster and Viagra pie: carrots so we could see in the dark, oysters and Viagra so we'd have something to look at...

 

What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting, and a dog on three legs? Shaking hands, of course...

 

Mrs iD's ugly sister came to visit last week, Mrs iD didn't have to say anything, I knew the ugly sister was coming cos all the mice were throwing themselves onto the mousetraps...

[Sidecar Racer]

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole.

 

One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the

rock to hit bottom.

 

There was no sound.

 

He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger

rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom."

 

The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped

it in.

 

They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must

be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.

 

One man spotted a railway sleeper nearby. They picked up the sleeper, grunting and groaning,

and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in.

 

No sound.

 

All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past

the men and jumped straight into the hole.

 

The men were amazed.

 

About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they

had seen a goat.

 

One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just

seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the

farmer if this could have been his goat.

 

The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...

 

 

 

he was chained to a railway sleeper."

[Guest]

The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...

 

 

 

he was chained to a railway sleeper."

 

Haha very good... Was wondering where it was going at first (the joke not the goat lol)

Edited November 4, 2012 by Guest

[shortliner]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to

be an optical Aleutian.

 

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a

weapon of math disruption.

 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

Blownapart.

 

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking

into it.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the

other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at

large.

 

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned

veteran.

 

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count

that votes.

 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

 

21. A vulture boards an aeroplane, carrying two dead racoons. The stewardess

looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per

passenger.'

 

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says

'Dam!'

 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the

craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your

kayak and heat it too.

 

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other

says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

 

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root

canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

[Happy Hippo]

A PhD researcher was looking into the sex life of shepherds.

 

To cut a very long story short, she travelled the world found that there was a universal technique involved:

 

Left rear leg into left wellie right rear leg into right wellie..............and thank ewe very much!

 

However, on reaching Wales she found an anomaly in that the technique was:

 

Right rear leg into left wellie; left rear leg into right wellie...............and thank ewe very much!

 

This was an exciting find so she told the Welsh shepherd what all the others did, and could he explain the difference

 

He was stunned and replied:

 

Duw! No kissing?

 

R

[Sidecar Racer]

More shades of Grey .

 

 

 

The missus bought a Paperback

...just the other day,

I had a look inside her bag;

....T'was "fifty shades of grey".

 

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread .

 

In her left hand was a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

 

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

 

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

 

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple of minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

.....I'm gunna dominate ya!!

 

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd know just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

 

She stood there bold and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left *it!

 

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned and with a shout:

"Step on the other one"!!

 

Well my friends, I can't tell more;

About events that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of Grey................

[Sidecar Racer]

Puns for the educated .

 

 

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years

of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star

of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.

"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,

makes no difference who you are."

---------------------

 

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were

avid crown-green bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were

destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells

bowled.

---------------------

 

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,

"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,

"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

---------------------

 

4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the

Medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out

a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief,

telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather

every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the

chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended,

but the malady lingers on."

----------------------

 

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and

found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted

on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized

profusely, saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

----------------------

 

6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one

Slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus

skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.

The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just

goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the

sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

-----------------------

 

7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk

remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated

that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of

constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked

him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these,

you don't need enemas."

[Russ (mines a pint)]

One for the health workers on here!

 

 

>Kevin walked into a doctor's office

and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So

she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him

to have a seat.

>

>Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and

asked Kevin what he had...

>Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down

his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait

in the examining room.

>

>A half hour later a nurse came in and asked

Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a

blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin

to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

>

>An hour later

the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and

asked Kevin what he had.

>

>Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked,

'Where?'

 

 

 

>Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to

unload 'em??'

[DonB]

A few more for you to point out that they appeared here previously, and were not original then! Or that I should check my facts!

----- The The next time you feel that nobody loves you, no one cares, or that no one ever notices you, think of this guy:

 

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . .READ ON!!

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits Just when the clock struck 11:00, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00 At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

 

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

 

What? STILL having a Bad Day?

**A terrorist didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.**

 

There now, Feeling Better?

 

** edited to remove racist overtones!**

Edited November 7, 2012 by DonB

[Sidecar Racer]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.

 

He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

 

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup;

buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this

to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

 

The man was impressed.

 

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos

for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent

all the money on him because she loves him so much..

 

Again, the man is impressed.

 

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000

and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves

him so much.

 

Obviously, the man was impressed.

 

 

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

 

 

Men are like that, you know.