Tall Tales

[The Blue Streak]

Greetings all,

 

The other Day whilst perusing RM Web. I realised that there are some cracking stories from the 1:1 railways spread through the various topics.

Sometimes these come from Current or Former railway employees and sometimes those with a connection through their hobbies or interests.

 

So, I thought why not start a thread where people can share a story or a picture about something they've seen or heard about on the railway? It may be humorous or informative or even just out of the ordinary and it may be something you've been wanting to tell but haven't found the right thread to share it. There's no restriction on Location or topic just as long as it's railway related and within the usual RMweb Rules.

 

Hopefully, we get a few juicy stories that are not usually heard by the general public at large. Also, try and remember that sometimes it's best to withhold real names to protect the (not so) innocent if the story involves others (especially those still in the industry).

 

Also, if members want to expand on a topic or add to it or even want to ask questions about the story just go for it ( No Member needs to be "exterminated" for being deemed off topic). Most of all I want this to be a bit of fun (occasionally educational) and if it involves the railway it's on topic as far as I'm concerned.

 

I'll be back in a while with a story that involved a certain "Senior Government Minister" who got drinking with a group of old school Railwaymen at end of the steam era, the result was only whispered about between railway employees for decades.

 

If anyone wants to kick off with a yarn before that feel free.

Edited June 29, 2017 by The Blue Streak

[Killian keane]

I think it was Gooch who said something to the effect of "many is the time I have taken an engine out, seen another coming in the opposite direction, and had to put her into reverse very quickly", not 100% sure where I heard that, if anybody knows for sure that would be helpful

[The Blue Streak]

Well here We go then ...

 

Back in the Days before railways in WA were privatised, The Western Australian Government Railways (WAGR) was a huge operation. It was an important asset to the State and the amount of goods and passenger traffic that ran on an extensive network would have been hard to comprehend to today's casual observer.

 

The State Government of the day would appoint a "Commissioner of Railways" to oversee this small empire. In addition to all the usual duties, the commissioner would also attend various Railway functions, openings and social events through out the state. For this purpose there was a designated "Commissioners Coach" which was quite plush by the standards of the day and which was attached to an appropriate train when He was required to attend an event on the rail network and detached on arrival.

 

This story was told to Me back in the 80's by an old Driver and I heard it again much later from a different source and although each version differed slightly in some of the details, the guts of the story was the same, so without further delay, here it is, I hope you like it.

 

It was the late 60's and the Commissioner was to attend an event at (what was then) a major rail hub South of Perth.
This function was to be held at a large Hall in Town and was among other things to present awards to various employees.
The commissioner's coach was attached in Perth and the He traveled to the Event.

Upon arrival the Commissioner alighted from his coach which was subsequently shunted off the train and left on an empty line nearest the Hall and within walking distance. The plan was, that after the function Our Man merely had to walk across the road and get back into his coach and go to sleep, it would then be attached to an up train during the night and the He would be back in Perth when he awoke next morning.

 

The Ceremony went off without a hitch with most of the rail staff attending and generally it was all very civilised.
Afterwards our man was invited to join the Depot employees for a drink, at which point things started to go pear shaped. The Commissioner was reputed to be a man who could hold his Liquor and some of the Senior "hard as nails" Engine Drivers thought they would put this to the test.

 

As the hours passed, many of those attending went home (some well inebriated) or went on duty if so rostered, until eventually Our Friend and the few Railwaymen still standing declared it a draw. At which point the commissioner, with some assistance, staggered to his awaiting coach and passed out.

 

Some time later when the Up train arrived, the little shunter and shunt crew came to collect our waiting coach to attach it for it's return journey to Perth. The coach was coupled up and hand brake released but (and this is where it gets iffy) for a reason that I was never told, no vacuum brake was put through but the strings were pulled. Nowadays one does not shunt without air through, so wether or not it was practice at the time or if it was a case of someone forgetting, I can't say.

 

Anyway the coach started to roll (so wasn't coupled up properly) and so the crew on the shunter tried to couple up on the move, which also failed and only gave the coach an nudge which really got her going.
So the Coach headed off on it's own accord gathering speed and shot out onto the mainline at quite a rate of knots with the Commissioner blissfully asleep and the little shunter in hot pursuit.

 

Soon enough the coach was well and truly outrunning the poor little shunter which was being thrashed like never before with smoke pouring from it. Finally after some miles  (varies depending on the version told) , the line started to level out and go slightly uphill and the little engine caught up and successfully coupled up on the run. They came to a stop and dragged the Coach back to the Station.

 

The Coach was hooked up and the train left (somewhat behind schedule) and the commissioner woke up the next day (possibly with a hangover) but none the wiser about his trip. Rumor has it that the little engine was never quite the same again and leaked and wheezed right up to withdrawal.

 

 

The incident was discussed in whispers between railway workers and was told to me first back in the late 80's.
I heard it again about 5 years ago from a source not connected with the railways, so the story is obviously out there and after close to 50 years I suppose it's alright to tell you blokes. No names or places though !!!
If the Commissioner ever found out, I don't know.

 

Hope it was worth the read !!!

 

Anyone else got a Tale ?

Edited June 29, 2017 by The Blue Streak

[tomparryharry]

Back in the 1970's, Flying Scotsman ran with the second tender.

 

Rumour has it that the extra room was needed for the extra storytellers that said "My dad/uncle/granddad/budgie/dog/tortoise/goldfish/Auntie Flo used to drive the Flying Scotsman".

 

Ian.

[Mallard60022]

Ukraine 2005. Driving experience (of sorts). One interesting trip up into the Carpathian Mountains I think it was. Double locos back to back with a few wagons for fun. Going up was great with superb views and interesting running, due to rubbish slack instead of coal. On arrival at our destination after about three hours, it was time for 'snap' and about twelve of us gathered in the cab and on the tender of one of the loco's. Traditionally the Ukranian crew(s) shared their snaps and so that's what we all did and it included a substantial amount of Vodka. The crew of what would be the lead loco going back downhill to our base did not drink very much, however the crew of 'our loco' decided they had plenty of extra drivers  and firemen (me and 3 colleagues) + an Inspector and so they drank quite a lot! When we departed for base the fireman went to sleep in the tender and the driver fell asleep in the fireman's seat. The Inspector supervised us in the little bit of loco management we needed to do, (mainly at layover points and halfway we got to be on the lead engine) and we got to drive and fire that extensively as well as sit on the tender having a great time, especially when we passed any places where there were people to wave at. Great fun and all risk assessed of course 

Ar$e

Edited June 29, 2017 by Mallard60022

[The Stationmaster]

Not quite railway but rather amusing in a slightly different way.  Late one autumn evening and a some time after dark it became necessary to switch-in a signalbox which was closed for the night.  fortunately the relief Signalman who could actually catch the turn lived only a couple of miles up the road from where I lodged so part one of the tale was getting him out but all the lights were out at his house and clearly the family had gone to bed which meant he had to be knocked up - a process which got gradually louder as I knocked on the door, the windows, and finally threw gravel at the front bedroom window upstairs.  Eventually his head appeared from the window so the day, or rather night was saved, but by that time have the street had turned their lights on or opened doors and windows to see what was causing the commotion.

 

He was duly left to get himself dressed while I proceeded to the signalbox ready to get it opened up.  This involved, as the final stage, going down a narrow lane off the road and well shielded from the road by trees and hedgerow and of course the inevitable happened - as I swung round the bend into the lane right in front of me was a car facing towards me and with, clearly visible in my headlights, two people clearly enjoying themselves.each other in the back seat.  Now what should one do in these circumstances?  Go and knock on the windows and ask them to move, sit there with headlights on full beam and hope they'd get the message that I wasn't there for the same reason as them, or just sit with side lights and wait?  

 

Clearly their initial thought was that I was on the same mission as them and they had no intention of moving as they'd bagged the spot first so I decided to give them a minute or two and then flashed the headlights at them - several times.  This eventually worked as the bloke leapt of a back door of the car and made his way to the front door - wearing only a  pair of sock and his shoes.  I decided discretion might then be exercised so no more headlight flashing until he duly flashed his and I then reversed to let them out and I could get on down the lane.  No trains were delayed any longer as a result of this although by the time I'd parked and had crossed over the lines to the signalbox the by now fully awake Relief Signalman had caught up with me and we duly opened the 'box - after which came some more railwaylike amusement with what might best be described as a serious bending of normal procedures in respect of Driver's route knowledge.

 

It's an odd things about courting couples but they often seem to have had a habit of settling down to their late night enjoyment on very quiet country lanes which led to isolated railway installations and then being rdely brought back to earth by teh arrival of people opening remote signalboxes or looking for catch points in the middle of nowhere.

[eastglosmog]

I think it was Gooch who said something to the effect of "many is the time I have taken an engine out, seen another coming in the opposite direction, and had to put her into reverse very quickly", not 100% sure where I heard that, if anybody knows for sure that would be helpful

Its a quote from Gooch's diary, given in Rolt's "Red for Danger".

[Killian keane]

Its a quote from Gooch's diary, given in Rolt's "Red for Danger".

Thank you! The strange thing is I've never even read that book!

[pH]

Greetings all,

 

The other Day whilst perusing RM Web. I realised that there are some cracking stories from the 1:1 railways spread through the various topics.

 

So, I thought why not start a thread where people can share a story or a picture about something they've seen or heard about on the railway?

 

I think you'll enjoy some of these from an older version of the forum - http://www.rmweb.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=1474

[peach james]

I know a good one- I'll have to ask if I can tell it though...

[Enterprisingwestern]

Not quite railway but rather amusing in a slightly different way.  Late one autumn evening and a some time after dark it became necessary to switch-in a signalbox which was closed for the night.  fortunately the relief Signalman who could actually catch the turn lived only a couple of miles up the road from where I lodged so part one of the tale was getting him out but all the lights were out at his house and clearly the family had gone to bed which meant he had to be knocked up - a process which got gradually louder as I knocked on the door, the windows, and finally threw gravel at the front bedroom window upstairs.  Eventually his head appeared from the window so the day, or rather night was saved, but by that time have the street had turned their lights on or opened doors and windows to see what was causing the commotion.

 

He was duly left to get himself dressed while I proceeded to the signalbox ready to get it opened up.  This involved, as the final stage, going down a narrow lane off the road and well shielded from the road by trees and hedgerow and of course the inevitable happened - as I swung round the bend into the lane right in front of me was a car facing towards me and with, clearly visible in my headlights, two people clearly enjoying themselves.each other in the back seat.  Now what should one do in these circumstances?  Go and knock on the windows and ask them to move, sit there with headlights on full beam and hope they'd get the message that I wasn't there for the same reason as them, or just sit with side lights and wait?  

 

Clearly their initial thought was that I was on the same mission as them and they had no intention of moving as they'd bagged the spot first so I decided to give them a minute or two and then flashed the headlights at them - several times.  This eventually worked as the bloke leapt of a back door of the car and made his way to the front door - wearing only a  pair of sock and his shoes.  I decided discretion might then be exercised so no more headlight flashing until he duly flashed his and I then reversed to let them out and I could get on down the lane.  No trains were delayed any longer as a result of this although by the time I'd parked and had crossed over the lines to the signalbox the by now fully awake Relief Signalman had caught up with me and we duly opened the 'box - after which came some more railwaylike amusement with what might best be described as a serious bending of normal procedures in respect of Driver's route knowledge.

 

It's an odd things about courting couples but they often seem to have had a habit of settling down to their late night enjoyment on very quiet country lanes which led to isolated railway installations and then being rdely brought back to earth by teh arrival of people opening remote signalboxes or looking for catch points in the middle of nowhere.

 

Been in a similar situation myself, how was I supposed to know a bloody great combine harvester would come down the lane at 2 o clock in the morning?

 

Mike.

[The Blue Streak]

It's an odd things about courting couples but they often seem to have had a habit of settling down to their late night enjoyment on very quiet country lanes which led to isolated railway installations and then being rdely brought back to earth by teh arrival of people opening remote signalboxes or looking for catch points in the middle of nowhere.

 

I've never myself seen any courting couples actually "courting" whilst rostered on duty at night. Although I know a few colleagues that have.

 

I know one particular Driver and his Mate who went out by car on one occasion to Prep and Work and a train that was stabled in a quiet country siding. They swear that on arrival, there was a couple on the top of the engine, being "busy" and possibly not realising in the dark how filthy the top of a Diesel Loco gets.

 

Once down from the unit, the young lady somewhat embarrassed scuttled back to their vehicle absolutely covered in exhaust soot and dirt, the young man in hot pursuit apologising profusely.

 

The nearest I personally have been to such an event, was one night when We took an empty train out for loading. (Well out in the sticks I might add). On arrival at about 0300 ish, I was somewhat surprised to see a fairly large and very drunk gentleman standing between the rails with his pants down and "mooning" us. We were only crawling in and he stayed there "mooning" until We were quite close despite a fair old blast of the horn. Obviously I came to a stand and gave him a bit of grief at which point He tried to wander off, but having his pants still down went face down into the ballast.

 

After a few seconds He gathered himself up and staggered off to who knows where. My Mate and I were laughing our heads off by this time but were still somewhat relieved that We hadn't come in any faster, it might not have been so funny.

Edited June 30, 2017 by The Blue Streak

[Axlebox]

Its a quote from Gooch's diary, given in Rolt's "Red for Danger".

Tursdale Junction mid/late 70s...ECML down freight approaching double amber when it flicked to single amber...emergency stop and whole train reveresed back to previous signal...(Hett Mill level crossing had been switched in and allowed to open thus the change in signals)...it was an LMR loco so perhaps the driver wasn't 100%...or thought he had passed a signal at danger...who knows...

[Killian keane]

Tursdale Junction mid/late 70s...ECML down freight approaching double amber when it flicked to single amber...emergency stop and whole train reveresed back to previous signal...(Hett Mill level crossing had been switched in and allowed to open thus the change in signals)...it was an LMR loco so perhaps the driver wasn't 100%...or thought he had passed a signal at danger...who knows...

"Its a backing signal!" thought Percy

[The Blue Streak]

Back in the 1970's, Flying Scotsman ran with the second tender.

 

Rumour has it that the extra room was needed for the extra storytellers that said "My dad/uncle/granddad/budgie/dog/tortoise/goldfish/Auntie Flo used to drive the Flying Scotsman".

 

Ian.

 

When it turned up in Australia in the late 80's it sounded at times that there were whole trains full of the long lost relatives of 4472's past drivers.

[Mallard60022]

Must have been summer term 1976? Wellingborough Depot. School visit with my class the class I was attempting to teach at that time, (about 35 8/9 year olds +4 adults). Depot Foreman gets us all in both cabs of a 47 and takes us up and down the yard a few times. Happy days. Same day, smaller groups, in the Station Box and genearlly just sitting around for a while eating sandwiches and watching trains and the world going by. I've got a photo of them somewhere; I wonder if they remember that visit? 

Phil

Edited June 30, 2017 by Mallard60022

[The Johnster]

Back to the courting couples theme; I was guard on the 00.30 Cardiff-Peterborough parcels to Gloucester one night, and up front with the driver on a Hymek.  The train stopped for about 15 minutes at Newport High Street  on the up side of the island platform to load, and as we came to a stand quite well back from the London end (as that's where the barrows were) a lady and gent of a fairly portly and middle aged persuasion came down the footbridge steps, walked in the opposite direction to ours, and proceeded without much in the way of preliminaries to position themselves for action, she up against the Buffet wall.  The action could be followed fairly closely to it's 'conclusion' in semi sillhouette, they adjusted their clothing, and turned to go, at which point my driver blew the horn at them.  To their eternal credit, and my utter delight, they faced us and took a bow!

[peach james]

I know a good one- I'll have to ask if I can tell it though...

 So, how many of you know someone who has been arrested for running a railway?

It turns out, that if someone gets hurt and you are the closest person involved who might actually be responsible, you too can earn that.

Picture this : a 2' gauge railway running around a busy park.  About 40 years ago, back when say, Alcohol might be freely consumed.  And individual responsibility was still something of a thing.   But, the railway is being run by two lads, probably 19 years old.  There is a Blue and a Red train, so called, because one is...blue...and the other is, wait for it...red.  Now, this being an amusement park, of course, there is a tunnel.  The tunnel is made up of segments of culvert, something like 10' diameter, with no lights in it.  It's on a curve inside, with the two entrances being close enough together that the guard can (and does) run from the entrance to the exit before the train goes through.  The engines are standard for over here, being 4-4-4 gasoline driven locos, Forney style.   At that point, the engines in use were the ever popular Jeep engines.  Here, 

Now, imagine if you will, inside the tunnel- someone decides for whatever reason, to jump off the train...and gets caught between the coach and the wall.  The coaches are not ballasted down, so are fairly light.  If you do something like that, you end up with the train off the track.  

Of course, at this point you have a slightly injured passenger, a slightly derailed train, and a bit of a problem.  Along come the plod, just to add to the joy- who promptly find the most responsible adult (I'm not quite sure how you define responsible !) and start asking pointed questions about "how fast were they going?  Why did it derail?  Are you sure? ) of said responsible adult.  Now, said responsible person says "it will go faster than they go, it won't go off the track regardless of how fast it was going, and the track is fine, get on, I'll show you what we think happened....

So, off they go with the "responsible" adult at the controls, come around to the start of the tunnel at full clip- which is about 15 MPH, vs the service speed of about 5 MPH....ride right through the tunnel, and of course, the whole lot stays on the track.  

It turns out, that if you JUMP off the train in the tunnel, you can push the train off the track, but no matter how ham handed the driver is, it isn't going to fall off first... 

Prompt investigation completed, Mr Plod then released said responsible adult...

And HONESTLY, it wasn't me driving- I was way too young back then. 

James

 

[manna]

G'Day Gents

 

I used to live in Southend, and travelled via Fenchurch St to Kings Cross for work, it was a well know thing for passengers to open the doors and step onto the step below the door so they could jump(?) off near the stairs at Fenchurch St station, one day coming in a little faster than normal, I saw a fellow take a running jump off of the train, but in doing so had miscalculated his speed and couldn't slow down, tearing along the platform he collided with one of the vending machines on the platform, going down flat on his back, now luckily there were a couple of Transport Police watching, they sauntered over to the young fellow, by now totally dazed and with a large lump growing on his forehead, the older constable bent over the young fellow and in a Fatherly tone said 'Do you like Chocolate' where upon the thirty people standing around, almost wet themselves laughing.

 

manna 

[The Blue Streak]

Evening Manna,

I was hoping you'd show up with a story.

It's while I was reading your tale of the Bullion Train and the one with the deer that I thought to start this topic.

[The Stationmaster]

Some of the amusing tall (and not so tall) tales involve passengers - the poor creatures who might have little idea what the real world of railways is like.  Some examples

 

'Can you tell me when the next train to London leaves?' (sometimes with 'please', sometimes without.

'In 7 minutes sir/madam'

'Thank you. When did the last one leave?'

At which point the reply very much depended on what one might think of the person asking the question, some examples -

'20 minutes ago'

OR

'Sorry mate we don't keep count'

OR (with varying degrees of colourful language)

'Why do you want to know that, you've bl**dly well missed it anyway'

 

Or - and this was remarkably common believe it or not - although the train time varied of course

'What times does the 10.30 to Penzance leave please?'

'Platform 1 madam'

'Oh thank you, oh .....'

 

Or the distinctly awkward moment (again the train time varied)

'I've put my son on the 10.30 to Plymouth and it's gone'

'Yes madam, it should have left 5 minutes ago so it was no doubt on time'

'But it's gone without me and my son is all alone on the train - I only went to the bookstall for a moment and the train went without me (add tears  and cries of anguish)'

'Don't worry madam - would you like your son to be left on the train as far as Plymouth or would you like him to be taken off at the first stop?'

'Can you really do that, how would you do it?'

I need to know which coach he is in ...  etc  ... etc'

 

Lady duly calmed but it always surprised me just how frequently people put their children on a train and then missed said train.

And definitely not involving passengers.

'Have you seen the keys for noil (bullion) van XXX?'

'No, why?'

'They're not on the key board and there's no sign of them'

'What train is it on?'

'Next Bristol, for unloading here'

'Ooops'

Fortunately, and quite incorrectly, the second set of keys were on the same train as the bullion van so it could be opened.  The missing (spare) set had been sent to Bristol in error and came back about a week later.

 

Back to passengers and something I have heard on a journey -

'Does this train stop at Swindon?'

'No, it's going to Penzance and doesn't go that way.  You need to get off at Reading and catch a later train from there to Swindon.'

Can I really do that?'

(in a resigned tone) 'Yes, of course you can because this train stops at Reading.'

 

Or just what you need in a booking office when you're about to close for the night.

'Can you tell me the fare from Larne to London via Stranraer please?'

'Yes but it will take a minute or two and we might not have it.'

'Could you hurry, I think the boat sails in about 15 minutes.'

'I expect it does but that won't affect how long it will take me to dig out the fare, if we've got it.'

'But I need to pay'

'Sorry, I'm not with you' (especially as this conversation occurred in Slough)

'My son is at Larne and he hasn't got any money so I need to pay his fare and they told him you could take the money here and let them know that I'd paid and then he'll have a ticket and can catch the boat.'

("Think bubble" emerges above my head - 'why do these b*ggers always leave it to the last bl**dy minute?)

However the matter was duly sorted and the son caught the boat with a few minutes to spare - I wonder how easy it would be to do that sort of thing nowadays?

 

And back to railway work

'Is that a red light?'

'Not sure, what do you think we should do?

'Wait and see'

[Mallard60022]

Must have been about 1970 or 71. One could still drive into London (from Redhill in this instance) without paying daft fees and also park somewhere for free on a Sunday.  Me, SWMBO and No 1 Son in pushchair arrive at Finsbury Pk D.D. park up and proceed into Depot and start wandering around, mainly up and down the Inspection Level platforms. After about 20 minutes we are spotted by someone who comes rushing up and says something like "..... you are not allowed in here.....". "Really", I respond, "I'm terribly sorry, we were just showing ~~~~ the lovely engines". No hassle, just asked to go before the gaffer sees you or similar. I've probably got a list of the loco's on shed that day...........

Phil

[96701]

I used to work in the M&EE Plant organisation at York in the late '70s and this included specialising in re-railing and recovery equipment. This included wheelskates that were brand newly introduced, and little was known about them. The DM&EE department that designed them didn't know a lot about how they could be applied in the real world, so weren't much help when it came to trying to recover a failed HST Power car at Chesterfield.

 

Some twonk had sent it out from Derby with no lubricant in the drive gear on both wheelsets on one bogie, so it needed two wheelskates fitting which had never been done before.

 

Because the wheelskate wheels are exceptionally small, they run very fast, so the bearings can overheat. I was deemed competent to accompany the loco hauled HST power car from Chesterfield back to Derby at 10 mph on plain line and 5 mph over points with a stop every 20 minutes for me to check the temperature of every bearing at 20 minute intervals with tempilstiks. (Google it, they still exist).

 

It took bleeding ages to get to Derby, and we were lucky enough to be taken into the RTC at quarter past ten at night which meant that me and the driver just about made it into the local for 10:30 last orders. I don't recall the name of the pub, but I think it was on the corner of Deadman's Lane and London Road. 

[96701]

Another occasion with wheelskates saw the need to recover a failed Class 31 from Tyne Yard because the centre wheelset had seized. Again, nobody had tried a wheelskate in this location, so I was tasked with the job of seeing whether or not it could be fitted there. Armed with a General Arrangement of the bogie and drawings of the wheelskate,  I confirmed that it could fit without impinging too much on the behaviour of the other two driven wheels. Guess who got the job of going from York to Tyne Yard to meet up with Gateshead breakdown gang and fit the wheelskate in the depot? 

 

I set off from York one morning in heavy snow in a trusty Vauxhall HA van.I was driving up the A1 in the slow lane with one set of wheels in the rut left by lorries at about 40 mph. The lorries that overtook me threw snow over the windscreen and the bonnet of the van. I got to Tyne Yard. A bloke asked if I wanted a brew, then went on to say that no milk had been delivered because of the bad weather. No problem, black tea is fine. Off he went and returned with a mug of hot water - no tea bags left.

 

I have never dealt with wheelskates since.

Edited July 3, 2017 by 96701

[The Johnster]

Cardiff (Central by then) in the mid 70s; I'm working a mystery excursion from Rhymney (as we spelled it then) as far as Gloucester and sworn to secrecy about even that...

 

(Woman of the slighty bossy type looking for her reserved seats in...) 'Excuse me, I say, you, you there, yes, you, is this 'A' coach?'

 

(Me, and the muse had taken me) (bewildered and slightly concerned look deployed) 'Yes, madam, this is a coach.  That noisy thing is a locomotive and we are standing on a platform'.

 

Stupid question, fair play.

 

 

Now we are under way, and I'm walking through the train.

 

(Passneger) 'Where we going, then?'

 

(Me) 'Dunno, mate'.

 

(P) 'Aw come on, we won't tell anyone'.  Yeah, right.

 

(M) 'No, really, I don't know, I just know how far I'm going and someone else'll take over, honest.  And it's spoil the fun if I told you that, so I'm not gonna'.

 

(P) 'Alright, do us a favour, then, ask the Driver when we get to Newport, he's bound to know, isn't he?  I'll give you a can of this warm flat beer...'

 

(M, beginning to really enjoy this now) 'Well, not really, as such....' Cue, time the pause,  the panic sets in at the thought of a train with 600 or so passengers doing over 70mph being driven by someone who doesn't know where they are going; 'he doesn't need to, he just sits on the engine pulling levers and things, and the engine follows the tracks, and the rest of us usually just sort of turn up a few seconds later'.

 

I liked Mystex.

 

 

Barry Island on a hot August Bank Holiday Monday; I'd never believed that that many people could be crammed onto the 2x 116 sets I've just worked in.  The station staff have heroically locked themselves in the office, and I have to take the tail lamp off the back and put it on the other end while half the Valleys is pouring off the train.  There she is, Mrs Woman, built like the mountain at the end of her garden, with the whole street's kids in tow for a day at the seaside.  She stands like a rock, immovable and unmoved, in the centre of a maelstrom of kids of all ages, sizes, and appearances, all bouncing up and down and shouting thusly, 'Mam, Mam, can we go on the shows', 'Mam, Mam, can i 'ave ice cream', 'Mam, Mam, I wantsa Candy Floss', Mam, Mam, Billy's peed 'iself again', Mam, Mam....' you get the idea.  I slink along with my tail lamp trying not to look as though I'm involved with the railway, but it's no good, she's spotted me, the only railway uniform in sight since the driver's hiding in the cab til the coast is clear; the world's full of bloody heroes today!

 

'Oi, yew' (thick Valleys accent as expected), 'wot time'sa tren back, then?'  Now, the train I've just brought in has come from Merthyr, but several hundred happy trippers have joined it from a platform 7 at Cardiff Central that was black with people, and they might have come from the Rhymney Valley, or the Rhondda, or come down to Abercynon from Aberdare, or even one of the Gwent Valleys, I don't bloody know.  But I'm game for a laugh, so i look her dead in the eye as if I wasn't terrified of her and say, 'back where, love'.  That'll stump her, that'll show who's in command of this situation, that's established my authority, and next time she'll ask the question properly, such as including a clue as to her point of departure.  Score 1 all.  

 

But I've reckoned without her low animal cunning, and she comes straight back quicker than Boris Becker returning a serve, with 'back 'ome, of course' (tone inferring my complete stupidity).  Well, yes, obvious now she's said it, I haven't thought this through, have i?  Score 2-1 to Mrs Woman, and I'm on the back foot, now, and floundering a bit.  Come on, lad,, you've got an English O level, you can run rings around her, well, not literally, you cant's run that far, look at the size of her, but, come on, courage, mon brave.  Aha, this'll put her in her place, 'where's home then, lovely'.  Worth 2 points easy, 3-1, game set and match to me, stitch that, Valleys girl, but no, she's drawing breath to come back, oh no, oh hell, '24 Albion Street'!

 

I am beaten; not just beaten, destroyed, demolished, wiped out.  She has employed the sort of unbreakable logic that cannot be taken issue with, I asked a question and she's given me a devastating answer.  And she knows it, you can see it in her face, the sweet taste of complete and utter victory; I've got nothing I can come back with for that.  Score, as much as you like to her; me, nil.  Conceding defeat, I just say 'half past six'; there are trains to all the Valleys between then and 7 in the evening on a Bank Holiday timetable, everything that can turn a wheel is running on the Valleys, and wherever she and her brood of offspring are from, they'll get home in time for supper.

 

 

Later in the day, working one of those trains between 18.30 and 19.00 ex Barry Island back up.  It's still hot, and there's an air of contentment about the train; we've all had a grand day out, all the windows are open, the younger kids are sleeping, everything smells of sand, sun oil, and chips, and I'm trying not to stare too obviously at a van full of giggling teenage girls in bikinis that weren't worth the bother of putting on (to be fair, I was a lot younger myself then, and not as good at dealing with such matters with the sang froid that I now have.)   Life is good, everyone is happy, I've had 8 hours of rest day overtime rate, and I've recovered from my defeat earlier,  I am looking forward to Cogan Tunnel, where I'm going to turn the lights off just to hear the scream; they're expecting it and it'll be a terrible let down if I don't.  As I say, the windows are open, as are the van doors and I'm making sure nobody goes out of them, but I can hear this going on in the saloon the other side of my compartment wall; 'Billy, don' lean yewer 'ed out that window, or big tren'll come along and knock it off'.  To be fair to Billy, every window has a few heads hanging out of it, and nobody's reading the notice saying not to, so they aren't about to be taking any notice of me, either.  'Aw, but, Mam, all the other kids are doin' it, an' I'm too 'ot'.  'Or right then, but don' say I never warned yew'.  A few seconds pass and a down train passes, just at the spot where horns are blown for a footpath crossing between Dinas Powys and the tunnel, no Eastbrook in those days. 'Mam, Mam, big tren knoked my 'ed off, Mam'...

 

Barry Island Bank Holidays had their moments as well!

Edited July 2, 2017 by The Johnster