For centuries, the Kung bushmen from the deserts of southern Namibia have known what to do if a drought threatened their crops: dance in clockwise circles while improvising harmonic chants at the edge of the village to implore the sky gods for rain. Now, unfortunately they are facing both mortification and hunger as an older generation of men with two left feet try to join in.
‘It’s excruciating,’ 19-year-old goat herdsman Mpumpomelo Nujoma told an anthropologist. ‘These 50-something old fools just sit around doing nothing much all year, then when we need rain, there they are shuffling about out of synch, deluding themselves that they are impressing both the village girls and the spirits of our ancestors. And considering we live our entire lives stark naked, it just isn’t going to happen, is it?’
Since the 1950s, the 90,000-strong San, Sho, Barwa, Kung and Khwe tribes of southern Africa have gradually abandoned their hunter-gatherer lifestyles and settled in villages. This makes them vulnerably dependent on unpredictable weather patterns, hence the development of a complex series of rain dances. ‘Dad rain dancing’ is seen as totally counter-productive. Many of the older men perform their dances on a hillside, contrary to all tradition, yodelling cliché-ridden lyrics out of tune in 4/4 time and rapidly getting out of breath.
‘In many cases, they spin anti-clockwise, which could actually be driving the rain away, even if the sight of a 54-year-old attempting some breakdance moves he learned off an American tourist should logically make the sky want to cry,’ Nujoma said.
With no rainfall in the past five months and the threat of crop failure looming, Nujoma admitted that bold measures are needed. ‘The sages tell us of a kingdom far away called ‘Scotland’ where, strange to say, it actually rains more than you would want it to,’ he said. ‘We are therefore clubbing together to send my useless old uncle to attend a ‘ceilidh’ and learn to ‘Strip the Willow’. I hear you are even encouraged to drink fermented crops first, so the silly old goat should love that.’