Tangoman69

"Hello, is that the cricket club?" "Yes." "Could I speak to Mike please?" "I'm afraid he's in at the moment. I'll get him to call you back when he's out."

Once, in a Moscow hotel, I was stung by what I thought at the time was a dodgy looking wasp. Although now I suspect it was the cagey bee...

I saw a deal on eBay. “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Max”. I thought: “There’s no way I can turn that down”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of We're Doomed.

I just bumped into Phil Spector's brother Crispin. He's head of quality control at Walkers.

My new girlfriend works down the abattoir. She's a stunner.

"Women are terrible with directions, aren't they?" I said to my wife. "I don't really know where you're going with this." she replied.

Great news! Some of the old favourite singers and bands have re-released their greatest hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their ageing audience. Some examples: Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker" The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want" Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising" Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts" The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication" The Troggs: "Bald Thing" Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein" The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now" The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone" ABBA: "Denture Queen" Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

Thanks John

Looking for some advice, which day is generally the busiest day of the York show? wifey has her 60th the following week, so trying to nudge her for a shopping day in York

** Beware ** I ordered Chinese locally (won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!! I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out. I was driving at the time so I pulled over, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the ginger beef! I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ... And there it was ... ... A Peeking Duck!!!

In one!!