kandc_au

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know – I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb ... But all men are men!

FROZEN CRABS and THE BLONDE A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs, and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up.... So she took them home and ate them and they were simply delicious. Two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some people might think.

Interesting Observation Have you ever noticed? 1. The sport of choice for the poor and under educated is SOCCER. 2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BASKETBALL. 3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY. 4 The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET. 5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And.... 6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.. MY AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a ton of people in the Government playing: marbles!

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPod.' I can tell you, that poor fly never knew what hit it...

Dave, This entry needs to be linked to from the Forums How to section. It is excellent! Khris

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour. Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? " The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. " The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get onto the bed. "

Never force children to pray ! At dinner, a little boy was ordered by his father to lead in prayer . BOY: But I don’t know how to pray . DAD : Just pray for your family members , friends and neighbors , the poor , etc ..... BOY : “Dear Lord,†he started Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream . Bless them so they won’t come again ! Forgive our neighbor’s son , who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed yesterday . This coming Christmas , please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s blackberry mobile phone . And provide shelter , Lord , to the homeless men who use mom’s room when daddy is at work .. AMEN That evening Mom and Dad did not have dinner……

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d' after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai."

Hi Frank, Could I also impose on the info for the way around the bits are connected. All being well I shall be picking up the parts this week. Khris

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow! That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!" Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal. That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Maybe we should post to you first for approval, as I certainly don't have the time to go through 34 pages of jokes to see whether they have or have not been posted before. And my memory is not anywhere new reliable enough to guess where i have seen a joke before either. Khris

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese. However, less widely known is: a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise: a Congress of owls. Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? ? ? Believe it or not ……. a Parliament A PARLIAMENT OF BABOONS! I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out from Parliament at Canberra! You just can’t make this stuff up.

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ************************************* ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER ************************************** DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT ************************************ THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE *********************************** GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE ************************************* THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS *************************************** DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM ************************************* SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ***************************************** ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ******************************************* ELECTION RESULTS : When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT *************************************** SNOOZE ALARMS : When you rearrange the letters: ALAS ! NO MORE Z'S ****************************************** A DECIMAL POINT : When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE ******************************************** THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ********************************************* ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

She's a virgin & they are both waiters. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69". More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

Don't know if I have posted this before or whether some else has! The Haircut One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door. Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

Lastnight, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us,so she pulled out a $10 bill.When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be outdone,another friend pulls out a $20 bill.She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill,and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us,my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. Seeing the way things are going,the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me onto try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble." The lady started taking off her clothes..... Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. .................................... Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus.'

Not a joke but worth a giggle: Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ************************** ?In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ************************** On a Plumber's? truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ************************** On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." ************************** On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak." ************************** At a Tyre Store ? "Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************************** In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ************************** On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ************************** At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ************************** On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" ************************** At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." ************************** Outside a Car Exhaust Store: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." ************************** In a Vets waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ************************** In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up." ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait.." ************************** And don't forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak." ********************** Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"?

The wonders of the ebay mind.... Khris

Nah, They do it here in Oz when there is a sale on! Jack the price up and say it is on sale. And people buy it like there is no tomorrow........... Khris

Unbelieveable when you think you could have bought 4 for what they for 2! Khris

Have I missed something? I have been watching Slaters Toplights of late. Recently some went for 54 quid Last night (Saturday your time) 2 more went for 83 quid each!!!!!!!! Khris :scratchhead: