kandc_au

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Jor huzban he say so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Jor hozban did" Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???" Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed." Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did." Wife: "So how much do you want?"

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does! Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint? Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen. Next time take me to a vet!

SEX AFTER DEATH A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: " Marion .... Marion " "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?" "No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 ...45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ...... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.. Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi, Alex

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.... "Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise That won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied. She ran out of the room.

Simply UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!! Khris

One would hope you could do better with the overseas post as well....it was a tad OTT....

Yep, gives the feeling of you walking down the street as in real life. Khris

Perth Radio - Daily Question Competition to win a CD: Announcer - "What category question would you like?" Caller - "Sport please." Announcer - "What's the name of the race that stops a nation?" Caller - "Aboriginal." SILENCE……

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.... God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little 'Meals on Wheels' you have been sending over are delicious."

Asenior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip. An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!' The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down. A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies? About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles. 'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver. 'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'

Hence the saying: SWMBO She who must be obeyed! I rest my case Your Honour

After an alleged visit to the “Pleasure Parlourâ€, Federal Politician Craig Thomson allegedly notices green lumps on his willy, So, off he goes to the doctor’s . “That’s serious†says the doctor. “You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?†“Yes†says the man, nodding seriously. “Well†says the doctor, “You’ve got brothel sprouts.â€

Gina Rinehart...Richest woman in Australia, earning some incredible amount/minute. This is her first plane of Migrant workers to work her mines.

Will do. The top is the main concern. Once the strip is glue there it will help. I use Tetra, which is basically an MEK that also us suitable for ABS plastics as well. Would never have thought to use superglue. I am assuming the sodium bicarbonate would also give a bit of gap filling quality as well....am I right? Khris

They're not the B set ones. Composites I would say. to me the hardest part to get right is the Toplight section. There is little enough room as it is and with the joins it weakens the area. I know I should be building the controllers for the layout to double check the wiring, but hey....this is fun! Khris

Below is the link to a post, I posted in Hints and Tips for making the Toplights on Toplight Coaches. If you read it you will find my first attempt is missing in action.....Still under something to keep it straight. That was over 12 months ago and I am yet to find what I did with it......some wives do have them and my wife has me http://www.rmweb.co....king-toplights/ I will post images etc here so I can keep track of them and what I post etc. I have used suburban body shells as the basis and while they may bulge a bit, they do look the part for a reasonable kitbash. Two bodies to make 1 coach. The images below really tell the story: Compartment side. I have removed the material above the door vents for the length of the coach that has the Toplights. This equates to a 60"strip that needs to be put in after the cuts. This is the corridor side that has still to be completed. Compared to my scalpel work this paper cutter leaves me for dead....hopefully i will live long enough to have these completed and the layout completed and the yard and garden etc, etc etc

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

Danny is driving down a back road in Alabama .. A sign in front of a restaurant reads: HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL Lobster Tail and Beer "Lord a'mighty," he says to himself, "Thems my three favorites!"

Disaster: Amazing photos show great detail. The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings. One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings. Probably scared the **** out of them.

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast' Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

It was finals week and four college seniors decided they had worked hard enough. Instead of studying for their last final, they went to a party. They were having so much fun, they lost track of time and missed the final. The next day, they went to the professor and begged for a makeup final. To explain their absence they said their car had blown a tire on the way to the exam. The professor agreed to let them take the test later that day. The test time came and the professor put each young man in a separate room and handed out the test. It was a single sheet of paper with one question: "Which tire?"

YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his ###### hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week." Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

No matter what your job, you should always try and make it interesting