The Forum Jokes Thread

2.1k · August 31, 2014

I apologise in advance....

Q) What do you get if you put a priest and Nena in a jungle?

A) 99 Wed Baboons!

QRModeller · August 31, 2014

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EHertsGER · August 31, 2014

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Fond recollections of the more 'pinup' variety of these print-outs festooning the walls of the 'data processing' dept. thank you for that - I feel more grounded and comfortable with my youth now...!

Best,

Marcus

luckymucklebackit · September 1, 2014

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

True story - There is a museum in Kilmarnock called the Dick Institute, and a few years ago this ran an exhibition about Robert Burns. The AA posted signs around the area directing visitors to "Serious Burns at the Dick"

Ouch.

raymw · September 1, 2014

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," said the child bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There is no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There is no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There is no Santa' speech. If you are going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing to live for."

EHertsGER · September 2, 2014

A depressing statistic...

That 50% of marriages end in divorce is a disappointing statistic...

...until you realise that the other 50% end in death.

Best,

Marcus

Edited September 2, 2014 by EHertsGER

RhBBob · September 2, 2014

Just watched repeat of Francesco da Mosto going 'top to toe' in Italy ....

DJ on the radio; ' A recent survey says that 50% of Italians are unfaithful ! So, if it's not you, it must be your Wife !'

steve1 · September 3, 2014

Just seen a man wearing a camouflage jacket. Hope he kept the receipt .

steve

PGC · September 3, 2014

I have a funny feeling this may be a repeat, or at least some of these have been seen before. If so, apologies, but you're going to see them again!!!!!! :jester:

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF THE ENGLISH LANUAGE.........

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THE OWNERS LOCK PETROL STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
(This one took me a minute)

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HAEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ARSETEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY'? THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND!

EHertsGER · September 4, 2014

I have a funny feeling this may be a repeat, or at least some of these have been seen before. If so, apologies, but you're going to see them again!!!!!!

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF THE ENGLISH LANUAGE.........

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THE OWNERS LOCK PETROL STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

(This one took me a minute)

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HAEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ARSETEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY'? THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND!

When those who profess to be the arbiters of our language chose to name the condition of being unable to decipher the written word, why did they decide upon a word that is so hard to spell: dyslexia...?

JZ · September 4, 2014

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CI8UPHMzZm8

Pete S · September 4, 2014

People like that are allowed out on their own?

gazmanjack · September 4, 2014

People like that are allowed out on their own?

Yes they are and they have signs for them too....

http://customisedsigns.co.uk/index.php?main_page=popup_image&pID=2373&zenid=b0802ed4c7c5467abe1ad1cb25ae8a7f :scratchhead:

AndrewC · September 4, 2014

Here's yer sign

EHertsGER · September 4, 2014

Did anyone notice the Car with the NY license plate (sorry, registration plate in English, but, hey I live here, so it's what it is...) - was the dog driving? Welcome to America.

Just remember, these people vote...which explains a lot.....

Bernard Lamb · September 5, 2014

Sad about the loss of Joan Rivers.

She will be remembered for a thousand years.

It will take that long for the plastic on her face to degrade.

Bernard

raymw · September 5, 2014

John_Hughes · September 6, 2014

Did you hear about the new driving school offering to teach you to drive in just quarter of an hour?

It's a crash course.

GarrettTheThief · September 6, 2014

I tried to walk into Target but I missed.

bcnPete · September 7, 2014

Two cows talking in a field...

One says "I just had an artificial insemination"

The other says "you're kidding me?"

First replies..."Honestly...straight up, no bull"...

DavidB-AU · September 7, 2014

photo111.jpg

The irony is algebra is an Arabic word.

Cheers

David

graeme3300 · September 7, 2014

Did you hear the one about the Archaeologist?

His career lay in ruins.

Titan · September 7, 2014

Did you hear the one about the Archaeologist?

Yes, last time eight days ago, page 98, post 2444.

Edited September 7, 2014 by Titan

PGC · September 8, 2014

Grandpa was at a family gathering, with all generations around the table .

Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom .

When he returned , however, his trousers are wet all over .

'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom so I took it out and started to p*e, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back !'

QRModeller · September 8, 2014

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila, morgue?

The Forum Jokes Thread

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