The Forum Jokes Thread

[Brush47337]

Don't think I got this one from this site.

Aoplogies in advance if it is already here - the wee fairies in my head are not as sharp as they used to be and sometimes they lie to me now.

 

A high School janitor is fed up cleaning lipstick off the bathroom mirror. The little 15 year old Princesses had a habbit of applying lipstick and kissing the mirror leaving big smoochers for him to clean off. Sometimes 15 a day. No matter how many notices he put up - they just ignored him so he asked the head teacher for help.

 

The Head teacher asked all the girls to come into the toilet to see how difficult it was for the Janitor to clean. You can imagine the faces the princesses pulled listening to the poor Janitor. So the Head teacher asked him to show them how hard it was. He dipped his mop into one of the WC's and washed the mirror clean...........!

 

The mirror kissing stopped over night.

 

Some are teachers .....others are educators.

[DonBradley]

Puns for Educated Minds

 

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Diesel Dayz]

The nurse at the old folks home who gave the men viagara. Stops them rolling out of bed at night.

[Jon Fitness]

Two fish in a tank.... one says to the other, "Who's driving this thing?....."

[DonB]

Chicken Surprise

 

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

 

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

 

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

 

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

 

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

 

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You're going to hate yourself for this!............

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

[70022Tornado]

The Coach of the Nigerian Football Team was so disappointed at the Teams performance that he has offered to refund all costs, airfares, accomodation etc. to anybody who went to South Africa to watch them.

 

All he needs now are your bank details.

 

70022

[bcnPete]

Holidaying in France seeing cows grazing suddenly reminded me of the old classic...

 

Two cows were talking in a field....

 

First Cow: I've just had an artificial insemination

 

Second Cow: No.....I don't believe you

 

First Cow: Honestly...straight up, no bull...

 

 

 

Hat, Coat, Udders....

[ian]

A man was fed up with his wife. He didn't have much money, but he had a plan. He took out a large insurance policy on her and then started looking for someone to do the deed.

 

Eventually he met a shady character called Arty. Arty was happy to dispose of the troublesome spouse for £10,000. The husband explained that he wouldn't have the money until his wife was dead and he collected on the insurance.

 

Arty was reluctant to do the job without payment up front, but he needed the money too so he offered to do it if the man gave him as much as he could now, and the rest when the insurance paid up.

 

The man searched through his pockets and found a solitary pound coin. Arty shrugged, pocketed the coin and agreed the he would kill the man's wife when she went shopping the next day.

 

The next day the wife, unaware of her fate, went shopping at Tesco. Arty followed her around the store. She picked a new top from the clothes section and nipped into a fitting room to try it on. Arty slipped into the room and strangled her. She slumped dead to the ground, parting the curtains as she did so, revealing the murderer to a surprised shop assistant as she did so. Arty had no choice but to strangle the shop assistant as well, bundle both the bodies into the changing room and make for the exit.

 

Unfortunately for Arty the whole incident had been captured on the store's CCTV system and the police arrived before he managed to walk nonchalantly to his car. Down at the police station he confessed to the hit and the deal that he had done with the man's wife.

 

The next day the local paper had the headline....

 

 

 

 

 

 

.... Arty Chokes Two For A Pound At Tesco

[Buhar]

Man walks into a bar, orders three pints and downs them steadily one after the other. Next day the same happens; on the third day the barman asks "Why do you always order three drinks?". One's for me and then it's one for each of my brothers, Frank and Jim.

 

This goes on the same for a couple of months then one day he only orders two pints. Shocked, the barman asks if he's had a bereavement, "No it's just Frank's gone teetotal."

[Diesel Dayz]

A white horse walks into a bar and asks the barman what whisky he had. The barman replies ' I've got Bells, Teachers, Glennfiddich and one named after you'. The horse replied 'Ok I'll have a glass of Cyril then'.

[Brush47337]

4 quick jokes from the last couple of days on Radio Scotland.

 

1. Tribute to the Late grat Bob Monkhouse time.

 

When asked on the Parky show if he was afraid of dying he replied

 

.........." no I am not afraid of dying......it's the day after I don't fancy......... you are sooooo stiff all over..."

 

2. When Parky asked Morcome and Wise what they would have been, had they not become comedians..... Eric answered....

 

.........."Mike and Bernie Winters"......ouch.

 

3. More of a scottish one this but it might work if you say it out loud.

 

...... Did you hear about the poor motorcyclist who had a bad crash in which both his testicles were cut off?

He managed to glue them back on with a tube of Bostic.

 

4. What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman.....?

 

One is a super hero............ the other is an instruction.

 

 

There you go Four for the price of 1 from me.

 

Stuart

[48666]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

 

So the Minister asked the congregation ?

What did you learn from this demonstration???

 

 

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!

[AndrewC]

<ethnic origin solely for the implied accent>

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

 

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, bacon bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pig flesh.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees a not a bacon tree.

 

 

Ees

 

 

Ees

 

 

Ees

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Ees a ham bush...."

 

[Claude_Dreyfus]

Two parrots sitting on a perch.

 

One turns to the other and asks....

 

 

 

 

..."do you smell fish?"

[coachmann]

After my recent operation I was given Ferrous Sulphate Tablets.

"What are they doctor"

"Iron tablets"

"I don't like them"

"Have they made your stools black?"

"Worse than that.....When I wake up in a morning I'm facing north!"

[Brush47337]

Wee Jimmy was staying at his Grans.

 

After a couple of days he said to her......

 

................."Gran........have you seen my wee bag of tiny pills with L.S.D written on them.......?"

 

Gran shouts back.....

 

.......................... "sod the pills.......... have you not seen the dragons in the kitchen.........?"

 

[DonB]

Just a small variation from the usual in this thread.......

 

The ultimate barbeque meal delivery service..........

 

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l6ca2snRY51qz7ptzo1_500.jpg

[Taz]

Some very sad news. The bloke who owned Odeon Cinemas has died.

 

His funeral is on Friday @2:10, 4:20, 5:50, 6:40 and 7:30

[PhilJ W]

The guy who invented the Jack-in-the-Box has just died. It took a week to lower the coffin into the grave!

[Brush47337]

Must have been a bad week

The guy who wrote the Hokey Kokey also died this week.

They dropped the coffin at the church and when they tried to put him back in well.....

 

..........They put his left leg in .... ...then his right arm........then frankly it just got a bit silly after that.

[bcnPete]

Some very sad news. The bloke who owned Odeon Cinemas has died.

 

His funeral is on Friday @2:10, 4:20, 5:50, 6:40 and 7:30

 

:lol: Enjoyed that!

[shortliner]

 

 

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

This is a hoot ..... sad, because it is TRUE ...... but a hoot!!!!

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

 

In order to continue getting-by in parts of UK where they speak Estuary English we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

 

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes...

 

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and calling for room-service somewhere in London.......

 

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

 

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

 

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joow ish to oddor sunteen???"

 

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

 

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

 

Guest: ".....What??"

 

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

 

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

 

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

 

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

 

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

 

Guest: "What?"

 

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

 

Guest: "I.... don't think so."

 

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

 

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

 

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

 

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! Ah! I've got it! Fine....Yes an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

 

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

 

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

 

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

 

RoomService: "Copy?"

 

Guest: "Excuse me?"

 

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

 

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

 

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

 

Guest: "Whatever you say."

 

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds.."

 

Guest: "You're welcome"

 

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' "......and you do, don't you!

--- -- And you thought you didn’t speak a foreign language!!

[ian]

Teacher: Now John, if you had four sweets and I gave you three more, what would that be?

 

Pupil: That would be very nice of you Miss.

[Buhar]

Mum, I don't want to go to school today.

 

Give me two reasons.

 

I don't like the teachers and I don't like the children. Now you give me two reasons why I should go.

 

One, you're 48 years old and two, you're the headmaster.

[shortliner]

An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:

 

Dear Dad

 

 

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

 

 

 

Your son, Nasser

 

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

 

My dear loving son

 

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us.

 

Go and get yourself a train too.

 

Love, your Dad