The Forum Jokes Thread

[DonB]

Four Guys go Camping

 

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

 

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

 

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

 

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

 

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

 

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"

 

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.

 

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!

 

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did - and then she said, "Do what ever you want."

 

So, here I am.

[luckymucklebackit]

2010 Classes for Women at the Adult Learning Centre

 

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By WED January 27th, 2010

 

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

 

Class 1

 

 

Up in winter, down in summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

Class 2

 

 

Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

 

Class 3

 

 

 

Is It Possible To Drive Past a Tesco Without Stopping?--Group Debate.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 4

 

 

 

Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

 

Class 5

 

 

 

Golf Clubs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

At 7:00 PM

 

Class 6

 

 

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

 

 

 

Class 7

 

 

 

Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

Open Forum.

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

 

 

 

Class 8

 

 

 

Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 9

 

 

 

I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

 

 

 

Class 10

 

 

 

How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

 

 

 

Class 11

 

 

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

 

 

 

Class 12

 

 

 

How to Shop by Yourself.

Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

 

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors..

[DonB]

I have seen this one previously, can not remember where, if on RMweb,...Apologies for repeating:-

 

Banned from Tesco!!

 

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet

and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that

no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel

hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's backside and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

I'm now banned from TESCO!!

 

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

[LNWR lives on]

A short guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big, trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?"

 

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.""This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home." He continues, crying even harder. "Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drank the damn poison."

[shortliner]

Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

 

 

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house- mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

 

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

 

Depending on your age you might do the following:

 

 

In your 20's:

 

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

 

 

In your 30's:

 

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror.. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

 

 

 

In your 40's:

 

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

 

 

In your 50's:

 

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'

 

 

In your 60's:

 

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

 

 

 

In your 70's:

 

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

 

 

In your 80's:

 

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

 

In your 90's & beyond:

 

What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?

 

Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

 

 

[DonB]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

 

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood..

 

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

 

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

 

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

 

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

 

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[DavidBelcher]

A contribution of dubious quality I've been wanting to get off my chest for a couple of days now;

 

Q: What's green and welds rails together?

 

A: Thermit the Frog.

 

I'll get me coat. :icon_redface:

 

David

[tebee]

A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the La Croix D'or restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

 

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Le Croix D'or because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

 

 

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Le Croix D'or because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

 

 

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Le Croix D'or because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

 

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Le Croix D'or because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

[Horsetan]

Overheard on Radio 4 this evening, in the context of a discussion on Iran:

 

"Enriched uranium. Helps boost your natural defences....."

[Diesel Dayz]

The little kid next door just challenged me to a water fight. I'm just waiting for the kettle to boil.

 

 

A POEM

 

I'm a little mouse called Keith

I circumcise men with my teeth

I don't do it for leisure or sexual pleasure

But for the cheese underneath

[Big_Stu]

A duck is standing at the side of the road.

 

Suddenly a chicken approaches him and says, "Don't do it, man! You'll never hear the end of it!"

[96701]

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life.

1. It's important to have a women who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[BOARD OF TRADE]

Michael Caine throws a party,all of the beautiful people are there,The Beatles,The Stones,Jim Morrison and the boys from the group,Mary Quant,Twiggy the lot.After an hour or so he sees Jim Morrison and the boys leaving,so he goes up to him and asks what's wrong.Jim tells him that it's a 'drag' and they're going.Caine calls over a beautiful groupie and having whispered in her ear she,Jim and the group go off into a bedroom.An hour or so later everyone emerges with big smiles all round and rejoin the party.Some time later Caine sees the groupie in animated conversation with Ringo and decides to keep an eye on the situation.Shortly afterwards he sees Ringo and the groupie about to sneak off into a bedroom and annoyed he shouts over to her,'Oi,you were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!'

[BoD]

My wife said I never do anything to make her breathless these days. So I threw her inhaler in the bin.

[wollastonblue]

Welders wanted in Aston area of Birmingham. Must be able to weld roof back onto open top bus.

[Western Stalwart]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night but I fought him of with a vacuum cleaner.

That's right I was Dyson with death.

 

I've got me coat!

[shortliner]

Some amazingly simple home remedies

 

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

 

 

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

 

 

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

 

 

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

 

 

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

 

 

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

 

 

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

 

 

DAILY THOUGHT:

 

 

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

 

[Calnefoxile]

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

 

They asked me what I would like for my birthday.

 

I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

 

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

 

---

 

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations"

 

but none of them rub your d£$% and say "well done"?

 

---

 

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.

 

I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

 

---

 

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.

 

"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

 

---

 

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.

 

It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

 

---

 

Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its b£$$£%^s!!

 

---

 

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.

 

After 8 pints I talk s£$% and can't drive!

 

---

 

Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack?

 

The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.

 

---

 

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

 

"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick b£$%^&*."

 

---

 

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

 

I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

 

---

 

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

 

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

 

"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b£$%^&* and Marge is a skinny bird with big

 

blue hair."

[DavidBelcher]

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

 

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

 

"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b£$%^&* and Marge is a skinny bird with big

 

blue hair."

 

I like it!

 

Another of my toe-curling, too-poor-for-a-Christmas-cracker offerings;

 

Q. What do you call a vampire who's handy in the kitchen?

 

A. Count Spatula.

 

(Exits stage left, having already got coat)

 

David

[Adam1701D]

Celebrity News - Cheryl Cole has fallen over after trying to do her washing at fifteen degrees.

 

[Taz]

Paddy and his mates were on a mystery coach trip.

They had a sweepstake to guess where they were going.

 

The driver won 68 quid!

[DonB]

WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS

 

 

 

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'

- Infantry Journal-

 

 

 

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'

- US.Air Force Manual -

 

 

 

 

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'

- General MacArthur -

 

 

 

 

'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'

- Infantry Sgt.-

 

 

 

 

'Tracers work both ways.'

- Army Ordnance Manual-

 

 

 

 

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'

- Infantry Journal -

 

 

 

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'

- Naval Ops Manual -

 

 

 

 

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'

- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

 

 

 

 

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'

- Infantry Journal-

 

 

 

 

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'

- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

 

 

 

 

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'

-Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

 

 

 

 

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'

-Unknown Author-

 

 

 

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'

- Fixed Wing Pilot-

 

 

 

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'

-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

 

 

 

 

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'

-Unknown Author-

 

 

 

'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'

If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'

-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

 

 

 

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'

-Sign over Control Tower Door-

 

 

 

'Never trade luck for skill.'

-Author Unknown-

 

 

 

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S...!'

-Authors Unknown-

 

 

 

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'

-Basic Flight Training Manual-

 

 

 

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'

- Emergency Checklist-

 

 

 

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'

- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -

 

 

 

 

 

 

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'

-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

 

 

 

 

 

 

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

 

 

 

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

 

The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'

The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

[DonB]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle

when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

 

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a

look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want

to take a look at this?'

 

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

 

So how come I make just $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

 

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... 'Try doing it with the engine running."

[28XX]

Which reminds me of the keyhole surgeon who wallpapered his hall through the letter box.

[BoD]

Which reminds me of the keyhole surgeon who wallpapered his hall through the letter box.

 

I always thought that was the gynaecologist.