jeff alvey Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fender Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 a man walks into a shop, goes up to one of the employees and says, "I'd like some guitar strings, a pick, an instrument cable and a book on how to play guitar" the assistant replies, "you're a drummer, aren't you?" "how can you tell?", replies the man "this is a travel agency..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 (edited) Why do I feel the urge to sing 'do do dedodoo, dedoodoo dedo dodododo' every time an American says 'Phenomenon'? Edited December 21, 2015 by EHertsGER Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted December 21, 2015 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted December 21, 2015 I don't know. Why do you feel the urge? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
108 Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 Why do I feel the urge to sing 'do do dedodoo, dedoodoo dedo dodododo' every time an American says 'Phenomenon'? Yup. I saw what you did there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeff alvey Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted December 25, 2015 Share Posted December 25, 2015 Merry Christmas everyone! Thanks for all the advice, perceptions, knowledge and fun I've had here in 2015! Best, Marcus 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian Smeeton Posted December 25, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 25, 2015 On THIS thread. You've got to be joking! Regards Ian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeff alvey Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted December 30, 2015 Share Posted December 30, 2015 THESE NEW YEAR SALES ARE DOING MY HEAD IN,WENT TO BOOTS THEY DONT SELL BOOTS,WENT TO CURRYS THEY DONT SELL CURRYWENT TO SELLFRIDGES THEY DONT SELL FRIDGES,AND THAT VIRGIN MEGASTORE,WHAT A FKN LET DOWN THAT WAS !!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Claude_Dreyfus Posted December 30, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 30, 2015 The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 THESE NEW YEAR SALES ARE DOING MY HEAD IN,WENT TO BOOTS THEY DONT SELL BOOTS,WENT TO CURRYS THEY DONT SELL CURRYWENT TO SELLFRIDGES THEY DONT SELL FRIDGES,AND THAT VIRGIN MEGASTORE,WHAT A FKN LET DOWN THAT WAS !!!!!!! And the Co-operative aren't! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted December 31, 2015 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 31, 2015 And the Co-operative aren't! My wife reports that New Look only have the same old stuff! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted December 31, 2015 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted December 31, 2015 And the guy in Hattons was not wearing one. I would put on my coat and hat but that would spoil the joke. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 (edited) Sorry, can't resist this one. How many 'Ox-bridge' graduates does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, they stand there perfectly still with their arm outstretched, and the world turns around them, and screws it in. I thought it was 'screws it all up', but I was too thick for Oxbridge...I went to Bristol, where they have two Universities. Always prefer a pair of.. Must be something that rhymes with 'punt' in here somewhere...they have a lot at Oxbridge. Punts. Edited January 1, 2016 by EHertsGER Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParkeNd Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 For people who can remember the disappeared shops since about mid 1960s. A man went into Timothy White's and after hunting around for a while was approached by a staff member who asked if she could help. "I'm looking for a packet of Durex but don't seem to be able to find anything like that". The girl smiled helpfully and said "Have you tried Boots?" The man looked a bit surprised and said "But wouldn't it leak through the lace holes?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 On a similar note a lady with a massive goes into a drapers and asks for a 32DDD bra, the shop assistant replied "we don't stock anything that large, have you tried Binns" the customer replied "yes, but they don't half rattle about" Jim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamiel Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 (edited) Recycling an old joke. Actually a comment I made of Facebook a while ago, but looking the TV listings the last few days.......Q. Why is tonight's TV schedule shaped like a boot?A. Because you couldn't fit that much sh*t in a shoe Edited January 3, 2016 by Jamiel 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeff alvey Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted January 3, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted January 3, 2016 For a number of years people have been proposing an honour for Barbara Windsor for services to innuendo. Nice to see they have finally given her one. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted January 8, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) DEAR DIARY - DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait! -------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man. ----------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 3 At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive. ----------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 4 Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband. ----------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 5 Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked. ----------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 6 Today I saved 2600 lives.... Twice !.! Edited January 8, 2016 by Sidecar Racer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted January 8, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted January 8, 2016 My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for a week. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamiel Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) From 'The Poke', (via @terrifyingposts).Thomas the Tank Engine: The crystal meth years. Edited January 9, 2016 by Jamiel 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RhBBob Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 We know a song about that, don't we 'Promise I made, starting to fade .................' Not too subtle I hope ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Thomas the Tank. I recently wanted to sell my Thomas the Tank Engine train set at an antiques shop today. The shop assistant said, "You would get more money if the fat controller wasn't missing." I said, "You're probably right, my wife is good at haggling". What is the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank? Thomas came out the other side of the tunnel. "Sorry kids" 'Thomas the tank' is not available and will be replaced by 'Ben the replacement bus service'. I just put diesel in a petrol car. The owner is going to wonder why a Thomas The Tank Engine toy is doing on their dash-board. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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